so i am officially abandoning this blog for another at www.xanga.com/seal181. goodbye
sean

so why this safe distance, this curious look

why tear out single pages when you can throw away the book. why pluck one string when you can strum the guitar...you played the flute but no one was dancing. you sang a sad song and none of us cried~torches together-mewithoutyou

i have to confront this. doug whitlock was an old friend from when i lived in springfield. the day after his brother geoff graduated he died in a car wreck. a horrible thing. we sent a sympathy card, and then i tried to push it out of my mind because it was painful to think about. its so sad. yesterday at my first service here at rushville his death was brought up in both the morning and evening services. i almost cried in the morning service. its not that i was ever incredibly close to doug, even at springfield i didnt spend much time with him, though joel did. at the time i thought he was a know it all. but he was a good guy. a model person, someone you wish you were. he was brilliant and kind. for some reason this is more sad than timmy dawkins death. i was better friends with timmy, i spent more time with him, but i knew he was going to die young. he suffered from every ailment that a body could suffer from, so i guess i had braced myself for it. but doug, he was strong and vibrant. he was going to change the world. everyone had expectations for him. rose, one of my bosses said last night in her sermon, while we mourn over the brevity of their lives, we should also rejoice in the blessed lives they lived in christ. and while that is cheerful, it brings little solace to me. i want a reason for his death. i dont want it to seem as if it was in vain. the old have lived their lives, and it is time for them to go. the young are only supposed to die for a cause. their sacrifice is important to the furtherance of something. and the only reason i can find for dougs death is that he died because some idiot 90 year old who shouldnt have been driving in the first place, pulled out in front of him either because he was too blind to see him or just didnt look. and the dmv prolly only gave the old man his liscense because they felt sorry for him. so i guess that shit just happens sometimes, and thats a part of life that we must come to expect, if not embrace. so what am i to do.
sean

ive suffered a swift defeat

ill endure countless repeats. the gift of memory is an awful curse. with age it gets much worse, but i wont mind.~stability-death cab for cutie

its been awhile, but ive finally got settled here in rushville IL. tuesday i moved into the cabin on the campground outside of town and was pleasantly surprised. in the midst of thousands of spiders, roaches and other bugs was a nice cabin which is bigger than either of my dorm rooms have been. since im rather simple ive got all my stuff on one of the halves, including the futon that im sleeping on. i decided not to sleep on one of the three beds on the other half of the room. its even got a kitchen which would be nice if i actually knew how to cook. but theres plenty of room, so if anybody would like to visit me, just email me and ill hook you up. yesterday i went into work at 830 am and left at 930 pm with a half hour lunch hour. so 11.5 hours on my first day of work. luckily the two pastors left for conference today so im holding down the fort. and by that i mean im typing out this thingy. and i definitley wont work another 12 hours. my assignment for the time that rob and rose are away was to create a rule of life, kinda like the franciscan or benedictine rules. mines fairly simple. I, sean allen, will:
-dialogue with god daily through prayer, scripture, and meditation
-be aware of the way in which god interacts with the world
-serve others with compassion and vigilance
and -in all things seek to be the flesh and blood of Christ
hopefully i can keep this rule
better get to doing something else
sean

i listen to the wind of my soul

where ill end up, well i think only god really knows.~the wind-cat stevens

im about to head out, just waiting on my guys to leave. another year over, and 3 more months til my last one starts. its been a weird year, which is completely underestimating how strange it actually was. nothing like i had pictured, but i guess thats how life is. life throws you screwballs all the time, but its not like you can change it. sometimes its for the best, sometimes its pointless. randomness is one of the most underrated parts of life, it keeps it interesting to say the least. john told me that it is his goal for next year that all of the janssen "patriarchs" to make out on festivus' couch. its such a beautiful couch. most comfortable place in the world. many a nights i fell asleep in that thing. maybe if josh stops complaining about me being single and hooks me up with someone, but im not doing a random makeout session to fulfill johns dream. next year is joey and lisa's last year rding janssen, so im going to look into doing it the year after i graduate. that would be awesome. going back home to be in charge. buzz wants it too, and hes tighter with chris and pedro, so who knows.
the year in retrospect
1. international relations with neumann, joe, wilding and jared.
2. growing while i created my exodus project. i learned a lot about myself
3. having surgery to fix my broken wrist
4. getting to know becca, lynn and amanda and josh caddell
5. growing closer to ian, chester, wilding and joe
6. learning to enjoy aspects of school that have to do with academics
7. meeting with the pastoral board
8. lots of jr. high drama
9. walks with ian
10. writers block in any attempt to write for fun
well im going to get the guys moving if they havent already. im not really sure how often ill be able to update over the summer. it seems my internet always sucks. have a good summer.
sean

so clear like the diamond in your ring

cut to mirror your intention. oversized and overwhelmed, the shine of which has caught my eye and rendered me so isolated, so motivated.~dashboard confessional-vindicated

im on the edge of something. i dont know what it is, but its there in the pit of my stomach and the back of my brain. itching, but not coming to the surface. just shallow enough to bother me, but not enough to get solved. i think my subconscious is figuring it out for me, and will eventually reveal it to me. i need some existential detectives to help me. how am i not myself. haha. i think it has to do with intimacy but not really sure. gnight
sean

the bluest iris that id ever seen

she vanished like a dream, sinking back into the ground. singing maybe im ashamed and maybe i wept real tears. but maybe she was hiding because she wanted to be felt.~be still child-mewithoutyou

today was a wonderful day for the most part. one of the better that ive had in the past few weeks. it involved diplomacy, marios pizza and 2 movies. life aquatic and i heart huckabees, both movies ive wanted to see for a long time but hadnt had the chance to. the people couldnt be beat either. i watched it with ian, russell, katie, josh and chase at russell's apartment, or whatever it is. good guy he is, incredibly intelligent, maybe i should hang around him to see if any wears off on me. joe and i shared victory in diplomacy. i stabbed richard in the back real hard to end the game. joe got david real good too. i felt kinda dirty doing it too. it took me 4 turns to get the courage to actually do it, and i probably could have had a better chance early on, but it worked anyways. i helped orchestrate joes turn on david and it was brilliant. he took 3 or 4 supply posts in the turn before you build, so david had to take them off the board. he went from 8 to 4. then he and richard conceded right away, which wasnt as fun as trying to fight it out for a couple turns. oh well. gnight
sean

i tried my best

to keep my distance from your dress, but called response overturns conviction everytime.~title track-death cab

my mama huston prophets final

Message to the American Church, especially to myself

When will justice come, O Lord. The eyes of the blind cannot see. The bodies of the poor are not clothed. The afflictions of the sick are not healed, and they continue to persist in this day after day. Grant them, Father, Your mercy, grant them Your grace, grant them hope. If hope does not come from You, then where will they find it? It is in your promises of healing, of clothing, of feeding that they continue on. And yet they are ravaged by the world, while hope slowly dims. Grant us Your kingdom here on earth, we have waited for so long.
You who sit in these pews every week, you who ask the Father’s blessing upon your meals, you who claim life through the resurrection of the Father’s Son: HEAR A MESSAGE FROM THE LORD. Long have you claimed My blessing, calling yourselves My children, but you would think a father would know his children, and the children would know their father. I do not know you and you do not know Me, so how can you be My children. Repent and return to My ways, and I will let you live.
Have you so easily forgotten the Word of the Lord? My Son, whom I sent to you, My perfect Testament. Did he not feed the hungry? Did he not heal the sick? Did he not care for the widows and orphans? Did he not free the oppressed, and show compassion to the broken? Did he not forgive sins, even those who mocked him and nailed him to a cross? Was his body not broken? Was his innocent blood not shed for you and for many for the remission of sins? How have you forgotten that which means so very much to Me?
You do not feed the hungry. Thousands lined up to be fed by him. Instead you horde your treasures to be lost later on, or waste it on rubbish which will fail to bring you joy. And all the while you step over the poor man in the street begging for food. All the while the food pantries run low. All the while you gorge your untamable appetites for possessions, wasting your money. You have forgotten and ignored the hungry and poor for far too long. Repent and change your ways, or the food in your bellies will turn to worms. Repent and change your ways, or the possessions you hold on so tightly to will be ripped from your fingers. Repent and change or you will die alone.
You do not heal the sick. Hundreds fought their ways through the crowds to be touched. You did not see the pain that ravaged them while the cancer spread through their bodies. You have not watched the life slip from the man dying of AIDS. Your hospitals are full, but you have not gone. All the while you obsess with who was voted off Survivor. All the while you read about the love lives of the celebrities who you will never meet. You obsess over that which is unimportant and passing, while ignoring the sick and dying who will carry your compassion on into eternity. Repent and change your ways, or the time which you take for granted will slip away from you. Repent and change or you will die alone.
You do not care for the widows and orphans. The children were bounced upon his knee. He mourned with the widows at the death of their loves. You pity the children, but do not take them in. You cook the widows a meal and send them on the rest of their lives, mourning over the loss of their husband.

Wail Of A Widow
Though the rain falls upon us
That is not what chills my bones
The sight of you being lowered into the pit
Takes away my breath
I look back on the years we have spent
And the beauty of our union fills my mind
The closer we became
The more our love blossomed
Every second passes by in my dreams
From our first glance to our wedding kiss
From our first house to our children
The life we lived will console me through my nights
But what solace will accompany the sun
Only time will tell, my love
Only time will tell

Where are your tears? Where is your compassion? You do not provide for them. So obsessed were you, and so self-absorbed were you that you did not see they were crying. All the while you obsess over whether your boss will ask you to work overtime. All the while you worry whether you will have enough sick days to enjoy another vacation. All the while you worry whether your children are following what you are telling them to. They look at your lives and get confused by your sermons and how you ignore them. Repent and change your ways, or your children will not heed your words. Repent and change your ways, or you too will be ignored when you become widowed. Repent and change or you will die alone.
You do not free the oppressed, or show compassion to the broken. In his wake the demons fled their slaves. In his compassion he picked the prostitute off the ground. You live in a culture of brokenness. It runs rampant, running and ruining lives, while hope is lost on the general population.
Living On The Fringe
Living on the fringeA link at the end of the chain, useless and barely connectedHanging on for dear life, nothing to live for but just let goLiving on the fringePeering over the edge, my arms hug the jagged cliffThe ledge dissolves beneath my feet, nothing to hold me up so just fallLiving on the fringeThe appendix of society, existence without meaningImportance lost in the shuffle, nothing to do but disappearLiving on the fringeA buzzard by the road, watching life pass by
Waiting for things to die, nothing to eat so just starve
My Son did not overlook those wounded. I am the Father who welcomes back the son eating with the pigs, and you are the brother who despises him and looks after his own well-being. All the while you rejoice in your brothers’ broken state, giddy with excitement at their inadequacy. All the while you turn to your self-centeredness, ignoring their plight. Repent and change your ways, or you will be broken under the feet of your gleeful “brothers.” Repent and change your ways, or you too will lose hope. Repent and change or you will die alone.
You do not forgive, dwelling on how you have been wronged, and how others have wronged. What is too much grace and love? I understand the difficulty of forgiving, for I have been wronged more than any other. Was he not wronged? Did they not persecute him, mocking and lying about him, spitting and jeering, whipping and killing him? And yet, with his last breath he breathed forgiveness upon them, cleansed of this atrocious act, despite their lack of regret. It is in grace that a person receives what they have no right to, and it is in love that grace is given. This is the nature of the gospel, and to question grace and love is to question MY VERY NATURE. Repent and change your ways, so that I may call you My children.
REPENT AND CHANGE YOUR WAYS, you who call upon my name. Look at the problems which plague your brothers and sister, notice them and show compassion. No longer shall you step over the drunken bum, or shut him up with a dollar. No, you must reach out to him and care for him. Nurse him through his hangover, guide him through his rehab. Seek to restore him, and he will be eternally grateful. No longer shall you scorn the single mother, or push her into the background to save face. No, you must reach out and care for her. Throw her a baby shower, stay with her in the hospital, buy diapers for her child, and watch the child when she is worn out. Seek to restore her, and she will be eternally grateful. No longer shall you reject the homosexual, dehumanizing them to the role of an animal. When you do this you smear the face of God! No, you must show them love since the rest of the world rejects them. Hug them when they cry, listen to their fears. Seek to restore them, and they will be eternally grateful. No longer shall you ignore the plight of the minorities, relegating them to second-class status. No, you must fight for their rights and their protection. Do not let the world roll over the marginalized, stand up alongside them and My face shall shine down upon you. You must seek equal opportunity in education and the workplace. You must fight the economic cycle which condemns the minority to a life of struggle. You must not stand idly by while they are portrayed as sub-human through media or small talk. Seek to restore them, and they will be eternally grateful.
You who are weak, marginalized, hated and scorned, hold fast for I will bring you hope and restoration. Rain will fall upon the land that has famine, the desert flowers will show off their beauty. A glorious sunrise shall rise up over you, chasing away the dark night that you now lie in. The glory of the Lord will be seen in your restoration. I will strengthen the feeble hands, and steady the knees that give way. I will say to those with fearful hearts, “Be strong, do not fear; I will come, I will come with a vengeance; with divine retribution I will come to save you.” For I am the Lord Almighty, creator of heaven and earth, author of grace and love. If my people hear my voice and follow my commandments, I will restore them to their rightful place.
Our Father, Blessed Giver grant us peace during our anguish so we may not fall into Satan’s traps grant us hope despite our doubts so we may continue to search for Your face grant us love despite our fears so we may not be paralyzed in the face of adversity grant us grace despite our stains so that we may be lifted up as an offering to you En nomine Patri, et Fili, Spiritus Sancti

what did i do that you cant seem to want me

and why do we lie here and whisper goodbyes. where can i go that your pictures wont haunt me. what makes it so easy for you to be walkin by~walking by-something corporate

so somebody filled the key hole of one of my guy's door with superglue. this is the crap i have to deal with on a regular basis. i cant wait until i get to be one of the bastards, and not have to work with them. we were talking about harry the janitor today. that man can get you any piece of information that you ask him for. but he cant clean a bathroom to save his life. kinda funny. he moves from one lounge to the next watching tv. i dont know if ive ever actually seen him inside the bathroom, besides when he follows me in there when we are talking. hes retiring at the end of the month. he definitely hasnt been treated the greatest by students or by the school. ill miss him next year. maybe i can get him to clean our apartment, but idoubt it.
im trying to analyze whether bush should be criticizing putin for his undemocratic ways, and im not getting a definitive answer. sure putins being a bit of an autocrat, but its part of the development of democracy. each nation is different. especially in this third wave of democratic reforms. id even argue theres a 4th one starting with bushs intervention in iraq, and how its affected the rest of the middle east as well as ukraine. so weird, democracy has not existed for the thousands of years of civilization, but once it has started it is spreading like fire. everybody wants to be a somebody. in 225 years since the american revolution, democracy has spread to every continent and is continuing to spread. thatd be a nice topic to study for my senior thesis. i dont think im really allowed to call it an honors thesis, since im rather far from being an honors student. i remember when i was eating at the colemans house freshman year for david birthday and gene kamp asked me whether i wanted to be in the honors program. sarah laughed. i did too and then told him i didnt qualify. he told me to work on it, and maybe i should have. but i didnt and here i am. neumann wrote on my last paper that im doing better work. im rather proud of that. hes one of the few teachers who has ever invested in me. neumann and comrade keogh. keogh taught me to love history as a living thing. he also wanted me to go to brown like he did. not quite. most have brushed me off as talented but lazy. or a trouble young man trying to find his place in the world. haha. who isnt. i guess females are troubled young girls, but whatever. richard told me that his kindergarten teacher told his mother he would never amount to anything. what a stupid lady. probably one of the most brilliant people ive met. his mind is as sharp as anyones, and never forgets anything. they said the same thing about andy, and hes studying with some of the worlds greatest biblical archaelogists. look what happens when you brush someone off, they usually have the last laugh. and then your posterboys are hopped up on drugs and fallen under the pressure of the expectations. funny how time has a way of sorting things out. "im ok with being unimpressive. i sleep better at night." great quote from garden state, but i dont know how many people agree with it. idont know how much i do. i mean who wants to be average, or not good enough to stand out. i guess your not bad enough either. everyone lives for their existence to be affirmed. i mean you can think whatever you want about yourself, but we each have this burning desire to be noticed. to be acknowledged. to be loved. or hated if love cannot be achieved. no one wants to be a face in the crowd, because its better to be hated than to be ignored. being ignored, seen as part of the backdrop, is the hardest thing to accept. it means you are no better than the grass you walk on or the paint on the walls, and the existence of those things are less than meaningful. so you are nothing more than atoms and cells, any meaning that you ascribe yourself is synthetic if not seconded by others. thats the feeling you get from being ignored. thats why children will scream and punch other kids if overlooked by family or teachers. heck, even dogs understand this. if you pay too much attention to one, the other will try to push out the other to be petted. not even dogs want to be part of the canvas. its incredibly important that we are present to those we come into contact with because everyone is a broken individual, seeking nothing more than compassion. some are more willing to accept it than other, but that doesnt change the fact that theyre broken. it is through our presence that we will be able to minister to each others needs.
gnight
sean

when we laugh indoors

the blissful tones bounce off the walls, and fall to the ground...I loved you guinevere, i love guinevere, i loved you~we laugh indoors-death cab

some good ol' Yeats
He wishes for the cloths of Heaven
Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths, enwrought with golden and silver light, the blue and the dim and the dark cloths Of night and light and the half-light, I would spread the cloths under your feet: But I being poor have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

Last night i decided that my favorite flower is the calla lily. something about it is so pure but sensual. the flower is one leaf that curls around at the joining of the stem to make a bell shape. it is usually white with a yellow center. dont ask me why i was looking up flowers, ive never given much though to flowers, but last night i just started looking at them. i think i was looking at the movie adaptation, which set me on the path. i just didnt end up looking at orchids. or perhaps the mighty sean has fallen into sentimentality or love or both. haha. dont plan on it.

i was going to save my new favorite poem, but why not impart beauty upon you now.
Beautiful Dreamer
beautiful dreamer, wake unto me, starlight and dewdrops are waiting for thee; sounds of the rude world heard in the day, lull'd by the moonlight have all pass'd away! Beautiful dreamer, queen of my song, list while i woo thee with soft melody; gone are the cares of life's busy throng. beautiful dreamer, awake unto me! beautiful dreamer, awake unto me! beautiful dreamer, out on the sea, mermaids are chanting the wild lorelie; over the streamlet vapors are borne, waiting to fade at the bright coming morn. beautiful dreamer, beam on my heart, even as the morn on the strealet and sea; then will all clouds of sorrow depart, Beautiful Dreamer, awake unto me!
~Stephen Foster
and apparently mama huston paid me a compliment today. im not sure that you can get much better than that. gnight
sean

and if it was just how you wanted

youd be glued to his bones and his brainstem. and changing your image and attitudes wont bring him back into your bedroom~amputations-death cab for cutie

today was one of the best prophets classes weve had, if not the best. mama huston gave us our final exam question which is for us to send a prophetic message to america. she was ranting about how in obadiah the edomites stand by and then join in the attacks on judah, so god was going to wipe them out beyond all recognition. she likened america to the edomites, mainly bystanders who do not act to help, and i completely agree with her. i am that man. i have this incredible sense of justice within me that seeks out the marginalized, but when i am confronted with it i fail miserably, just standing by watching. we are called to act on the behalf of those being beaten, those who are ignored. ive always been drawn to liberation theology. the fact that you can minister to people who are being treated as subhuman is what the christian faith is about, but when those same people are being raped, tortured and slaughtered by the thousands giving them a cup of water does little to calm their fears or bring them hope. something innate within me wants to lash out against the offenders with violence to save those being killed. i have no doubt in my mind that if i was in sudan ministering to the refugees and the junjaweed drove into town, i would have a burning desire to pick up whatever kalashnikov is lying around and attempting to use it. on the other hand there is this doubt in my mind, wondering whether that would be truly right to take the life of the offender. at the present moment if put in that situation i think i would fight now and ask for forgiveness later.
sean

i was a basket filled with holes

and she was the sand i tried to hold and ran out behind me as i swung at some invisible hand~paper hanger-mewithoutyou

i went and got fitted for a tux for wildings wedding today. he and i drove to fairview heights, im not sure why we went all the way there. sarah said we could have just got it done in greenville at victorias. oh well, it was a good time. i was expecting to be taken to some back room by a tailor and strip down to my boxers and smoke a cigar like in the movies. but i didnt. the lady just wrapped a measuring tape around me at the counter of this place while i stood fully dressed and in full view of the rest of the mall. i was kinda disappointed, i guess i expected too much from a simple experience. wilding, ian and i were walking back from dq discussing foreign policy when ian stopped us and asked when we became the people we were. i mean we would never have talked about foreign policy or at least had an intelligent conversation about it freshman year, maybe even last year or semester. he was looking for a specific moment in time when something clicked, but i told him that there was never that single moment, and we will continue to evolve in our knowledge. chase just came back with a water balloon launcher he found on the ground. talk about being excited. its like when i was 7 gazing upon the HeMan sword with action noises that went off when you swung it. i didnt get that for christmas that year, causing me to question and conclude that santa is not real. sad thing for a 7 year old to ponder, but it needed to be done since he didnt get me the one toy i ever really wanted. i wish i had marvin the paranoid android as my friend. he would cheer me up.
sean

i find it kind of funny

i find it kind of sad, the dreams in which im dying are the best ive ever had~mad world-tears for fears

i had an experience. i cant even explain it, but i did on the way back from watching donnie darko in tower. i was completely and utterly aware of everything around me, and i melted into the world around me. it started when i looked at the pink bush in front of burritt. the color was so vibrant, a hot pink in the midst of browns and greens. there was a couple sitting at the whispering wall and i could sense the joy as they sat and talked. on scott field there was a number of people, none of which i knew, but i felt like i did, especially the children. 2 little girls were running around laughing, the littlest one had curly blond hair and was 2 or 3. she squealed and she ran in a circle. 2 others were kicking a purple ball back and forth while a gc girl rocked back and forth with a crying infant. i noticed how tall the trees were. i saw the shade, and then it was over. my senses still seem heightened, but not to that extent. ive had heightened sense before. usually when my life or someone elses has seemed in danger. i think thats mainly hormones your body releases to focus as a survival instinct. at those moments you are shaken. this wasnt like that. it was pleasant. i heard a phrase, i think its from the tao that is "being in tune with the universe" and that seems to be a good way of explaining it. i dont know how else to.
sean

the cure for pain

is in the pain, so its there that youll find me. until again i forget and again you remind me~cure for pain-mewithoutyou

thank you all of you for the birthday wishes that you sent me, i was flooded with them, mostly due to randy's campaign to let everyone in the student body know. it was a very good birthday, which was topped off by a few of us going to dennys. chester randy ian katie jacob chase matt and danny all accompanied me to dennys, where the waitress lavished free food upon us. ian implanted some interesting questions in my head on the ride up there, but im worn out and am just going to go to bed. thank you again for the chorus of happy birthdays that you all rained down upon me.
sean

i always thought you made a better door

than a window, but who am i to tell. i can hardly wait to pull this blindfold over my eyes.~airtight-so many dynamos

i went home this weekend, and had a great if not so restful time. pip and i went to see kung fu hustle, which of course was pips choice. it wasnt as bad as his normal ones are, i actually enjoyed it. the stuff was completely unrealistic, but that added a comedic tone to the movie. i wanted to see hitchhikers guide to the galaxy to see if its as good as the books, though ive never actually read the book, just listened to it on book on tape. but thats not pips kind of movie. any time u have to use your brain to get something hes out. haha. he got a 10 out of 150 on his research paper and the teacher wont let him redo it. thats like a .6 percent. he went from an A in the class to an F and probably cant bring it up. i started laughing which probably wasnt the best response, but then i changed it to outrage at the teacher to sympathize with him. empathy isnt one of my strong suits, but i can pull it out when i need to. i doubt i have any non-strengths, (weaknesses) because i am just amazing at everything. bow to me. if u want. maybe. gpa and gma came to eat with us and he is doing better than last time i was home. the surgery and sickness really took a lot out of him, but he was actually able to mow half their yard on saturday. he smiled a lot, which has been unusual for the past several months. hes not the kind of man to like being helpless in a bed. gma of course picks out his clothes to wear, has for years, and he wore this old buttondown shirt that was definitely from the seventies. there were some rainbow stripes and then stripes of this blue and white design. it was amazing. keith and i teased him about it. i think that might be the first time ive actually teased him, it felt kinda weird doing it and i prolly wont do it again.

david, do you have force powers. i didnt know if wizards passed on their genes to the future generations, because that would be amazing if you did. have you ever seen mall rats, the force is definitely strong in silent bob. but ud be a wizard and not a jedi, but u think a wizard could conjure up things like force powers. randy and i are nearly the same person, sort of...its kinda weird how many of the same strengths you share with others. i wonder if there is anyone who has all 5 of my strengths and in the same order. just thinking about it makes me feel inadequate. im not an individual like this culture has been telling me for nearly 21 years. i am not an original snowflake. i am the crap of the earth. sorry, fight club reference. i need to watch that movie again. its been almost a year i think. its beautiful, having brad pitt and edward norton. two of the hottest people on the planet in my opinion. today the kids performed a play for us at church. it took them 3 months to work on, but they did everything for it. even created the characters and wrote the script, which i found amazing. i definitely didnt have the creativity to do taht when i was 7 or 8. i guess theyre 9 or 10 now. lose track when u go away for college. mara recited a verse from luke 6 which says "blessed are you when men men hate you, when they exclude you and insult you and reject your name as evil, because of the Son of Man. Rejoice in that day and leap for joy, because great is your reward in heaven. For that is how their fathers treated the prophets." she went on to say that christ suffered and died and we will do the same when we live a gospel life. she said christ was rejected and beaten and we should expect that same treatment. all that from a 10 year old girl. wow.
sean

is that what you call a getaway

tell me what you got away with, because ive seen more spine on a jellyfish, ive seen more guts in 11 year old kids~seventy times 7-brand new

its 2:34, weird but not as weird as looking at the clock when its 12:34. i always seem to do that too, like some burning instinct within me to look at the clock when my body thinks its that time. i see it probably 4 or 5 times a week and i dont look at the clock all that often. this summer when i worked construction i usually took my break from 12 to 1230, so it seemed like i saw it every day this summer. that should be a holy minute or something. like how the poles would keep vigil for the minute that pope john paul II had died. i wonder if theyre still doing that. he had to be the most important pole ever, i dont know to many others. maybe mike krzyzewski, also known as coach k from duke, but hes not really internationally known.
i havent really written anything of substance for the past few days, maybe thats because im not of much of it but i dont know how bad a thing that is.
David, i dont want to dismay you, but i do not have input as one of my strengths. in fact i dont really have any thinking strengths whatsoever, well i guess context is considered one. my strengths in order are:
1. Adaptability-im not really sure i consider this a strength in the way that i use it.
2. Developer-i try to bring out the best in people
3. context-i see how things develop
4. includer-i seek out the weak ones
5. relator-i understand you...i just dont care
four of them are relational skills. go figure that my real strong suit is people, considering i hate them all. except for you david. of course. it may just seem like im intelligent, because im dumb enough to believe anything i say making it hard for people to differentiate between the truth and what is false. or maybe im just a liar. its hard to say. and im rambling on about things that dont matter. gnight
sean

and when i see you

i really see you upside down. but my brain knows better, it picks you up and turns you around. if u feel discouraged that theres a lack of color here, please dont worry lover, its really bursting at the seams.~lack of color-death cab for cutie

jared spanked me today in football, 35-14. i had beat him 4 straight and 8 of the last 9, but today he shut me down in every facet of the game. He used some of my own no mercy tactics to completely humiliate me. im proud of that.
david, dont worry, an incubus is a demon which sneaks into rooms and has sex with the women. he ends up making the woman hate sex for the rest of their lives. children concieved from sex with an incubus are thought to be witches or disfigured. it was speculated that the great wizard, Merlin, was the offspring of a woman's encounter with an incubus. lucky for you and i, the incubus are not homosexual and will not violate men. however there are female demons called sucubus which do the same thing to guys, though for some reason i cant see guys hating sex. vile creatures.
im too tired to write anything
sean

the servers wore crosses

to shield from the suffering plaguing the others. styrofoam plates, cafeteria tables, charity reeks with cheap wine and pity~styrofoam plates-death cab (maybe my favorite song ever)

i would like to congratulate david with his intense study of the phonetical differences between sean and seal, though the spellings are so closely related since the first three letters are shared. these questions are extremely thought provoking and i would like to provide a fulfilling answer to davids questions, based on etymology, or the study of the origins of words. seal has two major meanings, one being the animal and the other is the act of closing up. experts are unsure where exactly seal the animal name comes from, though it is immediately derived from the old english seolh, which is based on the swedish sjol. this swedish is thought to have its root in an unknown finnic-ugrian word. Seal, the verb on the other hand, has its basis in the wax used to close envelops, which is found in Latin as sigillum or signum. Old English for seal is insegil, which shows the evolution from sigillum to seal.
Sean on the other hand is of Irish-gaelic origin, a language which formed outside of the grasps of latin and the mutt germanic languages. in irish gaelic the se is always pronounce with a "sh" sound, thus creating the shawn sound that my name encompasses. the reason that sean and seal are so different in their pronunciations despite their similarities is that they are from two different languages altogether, while using the same roman alphabet. hhhh, goodnight
sean

when ive heard enough

i tell myself that weve learned our lesson, but i dont want to walk away from emaline~emaline-ben folds

last night was the megachurch mock in vespers, and a lot of people took it more seriously than the people who put it on meant it to be. perhaps if it hadnt been during the normal vespers time there wouldnt have been as much of a problem, because people were planning on their normal worship time and were faced with a mock of it. overall i thought it was excellent, and being that it was the only presentation that i attended it was the best one in my opinion. haha.

but most importantly as i was walking down the steps following vespers i looked at the refreshment table set up by the group...and kristin was serving drinks. i was blown away. at first i thought i was just mistaken and it was someone who looked like her, but then she looked up and saw me. i helped her clean up and we got to talk a little, not much, but she said that david was doing really well. apparently he is the best young hockey player in hungary and some nhl scouts took a look at him a couple weeks ago and said he was really good, and just needed to grow a little bit. that is freaking awesome. and of course kristin is coming to greenville next year. i hope to be able to hang out with her while shes here. it sounded like their whole family was going to be around for the summer, definitely going tobe here for sarahs wedding. itd be good to see jerry and jan again. i have a lot of respect them, they are selfless and just good people.
sean

when i was sinking down

beneath gods righteous frown, christ laid aside his crown for my soul. to god and to the lamb, who is the great i am, and when from death i am free ill sing~wondrous love

holy fire which burns so hot within the heart of man. i dont know where ive heard this, if i have, but it keeps running through my head and i was trying to finish a poem for it, but i couldnt get past that line. my entire prophets class was spent dwelling on it trying to figure out what it means or what meaning to ascribe it. and then the routine argument came. if you havent ever had a mama huston class you wont understand, but every period there ends up being an argument between those who hold different mindsets. more often than not i end up tuning it out because i grow tired of people trying to force others to change to their side without actually listening to the other side. both sides do it and it frustrates me to no end. and today i started to, until mama huston said something to the effect that we, the body of christ are involved in what christ did here on earth. it was said that christ became like us so that we may become like him, in essence christ lived the life of a man, so we may be the children of god. by being the children of god we are now the body of christ present on earth and are to continue out the things that christ did while he was living on earth. this is why jesus is called the word in john 1. he is the ultimate example of god, being god, and was therefore the very law of god himself. he is THE testament. while the scriptures were written as godly mens observation of god working in the world, the life of christ is gods commandment. he is the word. and we not only should desire to emulate christ, but must for he is the "way, the truth, the life." this way, this truth, this life isa life of service, of humbling yourself to those you come across in this life. it is a life of sacrifice, of pain and struggle, it calls us to be humiliated, to be walked over, and to respond with compassion and "go and sin no more." it is a life of the innocent atoning for the sins of the guilty. it is this desire, this burning need of redemption which is the fire that burns so hot within the hearts of man.

so why is it wrong to offer grace, to offer compassion. what is too much grace and love. i understand the difficulty of forgiving. i have wronged and been wronged as any other in this life, and cannot say that i am always the most gracious of people. however when a person offers this grace and love to a person, who am i, WHO AM I to question it. who am i to deny what is freely being given out of a pure heart. if only a person would label me as too gracious or too compassionate my heart would be overjoyed for i would be doing the same as christ. as he was dying he breathed "forgive them for they know not what they are doing." these men who had scorned and whipped, humiliated and ultimately killed were forgiven of this atrocious act. it is in grace that a person receives what they have no right to. and it is in love that that is given. this is the nature of the gospel, and to question grace and love is to question the very nature of god. grace is not necessary, especially when the cut is still tender. however when that grace is given, who are we to question it and to call for its removal.
sean

the glove compartment is inaccurately named

and everybody knows it, so im proposing a swift orderly change. because behind its doors theres nothing to keep my fingers warm, and all i find are souvenirs from better times~title and registration-death cab for cutie

ill death cab your cutie. sorry that was retarded, i apologize wholeheartedly. anyways, im sorry for frightening you david, but thats just what you have to expect from an omnipresent being such as myself. im always there, watching you. kinda freaks me out. and john, you cant be any more correct, as usual. the mans always trying to keep us down, so damn the man.
so i just finished a review of my nutrient intake for hpr tomorrow, and i really dont eat as bad as a i claim. i dont think. i mean i may eat crap but i get pretty much all of my needed nutrients, except carbs. but nobody does that anymore. i even got 2000 calories, actually an average of 2294 per day, so i do eat after all.

today was rather different in the fact that i actually talked to people that i hadnt really known much before today. in chapel i sat next to THE nicole tucker, who i had not had the priveledge of knowing prior to today, and she commented on the fact that my feet were stained green. i didnt have to guts to tell her that i just hadnt taken a shower from the day before, and any stench she came upon probably was from me though i had just sat in my room the working on papers sunday. then after classes i sat on scott field for a long time with rebecca langley who i had never actually talked to outside of class. josh, amanda and katie joined us after awhile, and i must say i enjoyed the breeze and the people. in addition to that, i continued conversing with megan, which i have come to like in the past week. she may be blonde, but shes not actually dumb. haha. overall today was a good day, which i wouldnt have any other way.
hhhh...im going to bed
sean

he has cleared all his things

and put them in boxes, things that remind him that life has been good~fred jones part 2-ben folds

charity threw my sandal in the trash and it went to the bottom and i couldnt reach it. so i had to go and get new ones. unfortunately they didnt have my normal type in my size so i had to get a different one that has a strap that goes between your big toes and the ones next to it. it rubs, which doesnt feel very good, but i guess its good to get a change once in a while.

a friend of mine who was completely broken told me it was it times like those that broke him that you found out who your real friends were. it was when you really need them that they actually prove themselves as your friend. i think im beginning to see who is truly who i thought they were and who is surprising me in either direction. some have reacted to him completely adverse to what i had expected and it is despicable to me. i can barely gaze upon their faces without a burning within me. on the other hand there are a few who truly have the right to act horribly to him and they have passed on it to show him love and compassion, which has been a blessing to me unlike any other. i have heard all of these speeches lately about how christ would act in this situation and that, but the speeches are somewhat dead in practical aspects, and here are these two people mainly who have not spit in the face of god but instead took the beatings and crucifixion of the son and made it theirs. pronouncing forgiveness to him who truly needed it. bless them father for they are the children of god. it pains me to see those who expound so greatly on the need for the church to extend grace and mercy to those who have failed, reject those who have failed when they actually present themselves to these people. it shows all the great ideals they had are bullshit after all, but in the end i guess i must attempt to show them grace and mercy as i feel they should though it sickens me.

character and integrity i have heard is what you do when no one is around, and when no one will find out. even more than this, i feel it is when you have made a mistake and have owned up to it. passing on the buck is a normal occurence in our culture especially. i am as guilty of it as anyone. it is easy to run away from the consequences of your actions, but true repentance will never come about from that, and with that true forgiveness is incredibly difficult. let us seek true repentance.
sean

then the months stack up

like an additive crutch, as if the drinks werent enough~state street residential-death cab

so ive spent about 5 hours staring at judges 19 doing a paper on it. such a horrible passage. this levite is bringing back his concubine after she ran away and while he is staying at this house the townspeople demand that he come out so they can rape him. he sends his woman out instead and goes to sleep. they rape her and murder her, and the levite comes out the next morning to take her home after shes been ravaged all night and finds her dead. shit. thats all i can think. one of the greatest tragedies i have ever heard. reminds me of the child torn apart by the hunting dogs in front of his mothers eyes after the general releases them on him for hitting one of the dogs with a stone in the brothers karamozov. that has been burned into my memory, and this passage wont leave either. kinda pathetic how we act towards one another, myself as much if not more than others. i hope if i ever do something like one of these stories that someone will torture and murder me, because i would deserve it. it got me to thinking, lately there have been a number of rapes by soldiers in darfur and the native men are unable to stop it. how horrible would it be to stand there impotent while your child or sister or mother or even wife was taken advantage of. my rage is boiling up within me even thinking about it. father convict me when i am dehumanizing people, i smear the face of god when i hurt your children. bless them
sean

she stared for hours

so obsessed was i and self-absorbed that i didnt see that she was crying~carrying cathy-ben folds

so im going to copy the lists everyone else has been doing because im bored and have no life

10 random things about me
10. right now im wearing an indian skirt that ian brought me back from his trip, i cant figure out how to sit down without showing off my underwear...so i am showing off my underwear
9. when im at home by myself i walk around naked before i take a shower...its a rather freeing experience
8. sometimes when i stay up late at home ill watch the infomercials, most often the pilates one. i then try and follow along with the 10 second clips of the exercises to see if it works.
7. i hate asking for help when i really need it, but i have no problem asking for directions or where stuff is in the store like other guys.
6. ive never used preparation h, but i want to after i see the preparation H guy on conan...i think his songs are funny
5. my dad has always stressed being courteous and following etiquette...and i think a lot of it has rubbed off
4. i aced advanced math in 2nd grade, and then failed high school math. i must be getting dumber
3. i get my sandals for 6.99 at walmart, 5.99 when the "sandal season" is over...like theres an actual no-sandal season
2. i got in trouble for watching a fight when i was in 5th grade, one of the people involved in the fight, the cathy dosen, implicated me in it. i still despise her when i think of it, i hope she lives in a trailor and has 12 kids...maybe i should let it go
1. i dont own a credit card because i worry that i would overspend, and i dont want to get in any more than i already am for college, though i know i need one to build up my credit
Nine places ive visited
9. Siesta Key, FL
8. Washington D.C.
7. Topeka, KS
6. Turkey Run, IN
5. Detroit/Canada
4. Cumberland, KY
3. Costa Rica
2. Rushville, IL
1. Pere Marquette, IL
8 things to do before i die
8. backpack around Europe
7. build a cabin
6. get married to a beautiful, compassionate girl
5. have 2 or 3 kids
4. pastor a church that looks after the poor and needy
3. live in the country so i can walk around in the woods and fields naked if i want
2. have a nice vegetable garden
1. camp in alaska
7 ways to win my heart
7. being able to take and dish out a teasing
6. lay out under the stars at night with me and talk
5. throw around the frisbee on a nice day
4. visiting with the lonely person in a crowded room
3. picking up a child after they fell and consoling them
2. catching my eye and staring into them for a second or two
1. swinging on a swing and talking
6 things i want
6. some birkenstocks
5. 10 acres with house, 2 weeping willows in front of the house and a creek running through the land
4. to explore with lisa on a 4wheeler
3. diplomacy board game and 6 friends to play with
2. to only have to take classes that interest me
1. for my great great grandfathers shotgun to be passed on to me so i can put it over my fireplace
5 things im afraid of
5. getting a papercut on my eyeball
4. driving in heavy traffic
3. that ive missed the best chances of my life
2. large crowds
1. growing too close to people
4 of my favorite items in my bedroom
4. couch
3. mara's picture of me
2. my jeans
1. my jean blanket
3 things i hate
3. being talked down to or seeing other people being talked down to
2. spiced gumdrops
1. being ditched
2 things im happy about
2. my gnome is making a face at me
1. the indian skirt that is having a hard time covering me up
1 person i want to see
1. pip

you took the word

and made it heard and eased the peoples pain after that~not the same-ben folds

i love this song, mostly because of the story behind it. after one of his shows, mr folds went to a party and one of his friends took a hit of acid. he climbed up a tree while he was tripping and stayed up there the entire night, while everyone else left or passed out. the next morning he came down from the tree and he was a born again christian and you could tell. i find it to be the most hilarious story i have ever heard, which makes this song even better. i wish i could have gotten to see him with bekah.

so tonight i drove chesters wheelchair with my buttcheeks. im not talking about the seat of my pants, but the actual cheeks. I am a god among men. if that doesnt prove my worth as a human being, i dont know what does and am not sure that i want to know. i talked to tyler a little more about the church and his second email sounded even worse. i think that its in the cards that the church folds. maybe in the future the conference will be able to plant a church, but at the present moment the outlook doesnt look too good. on a better note, tyler sent in an application to the college to take over for craig, which would be awesome and i think he would fit in well. though i doubt hes going to get it because he doesnt have his phd. maybe if he gets the job he can teach greek so ruth wont have us do it at 730 in the morning. but who knows.
sean

tap on my window

knock on my door...i want to make you feel beautiful~she will be loved-maroon 5

i looked for you and you have come to me, now let me thank you~pope john paul

the conference wants to transfer tyler to another church. i think he kind of wants to get out as well. he hasnt been treated all that great, though christian love is found there now and it was a great learning experience for him. there arent any other openings in the conference so he might have to transfer out of the conference. i hope not, especially since he has taught me so much. next sunday bishop krober is coming to the church to meet with the congregation to see what to do next. i think this is the point where the choice is to either close down or bust our butts to fix the situation. the bills are not getting paid, at least i dont think so. i havent gotten the treasurers report yet. but that do or die might be the best thing. when we went without a pastor for a year the congregation seemed to grow together, though it might have been the reason for many of tylers problems. tyler is suppose to email me to tell me what the bishop is going to go over in the meeting, but it just doesnt sound good. anyways, i got the letter back from the conference about my interview. they approved me for conference ministerial candidacy on 2 conditions. first that i take the free methodist history and polity course and then get a psychological examination from a psychiatrist. haha. they think im crazy. they said that it is a stressful and emotionally damaging occupation, so they want to make sure im up to it. hhhh. oh well.
break was good, i went to turkey run with my parents and stopped by my cousins house on the way. boy did i hear it about how great illinois was and how much kansas sucked. well i guess i woulda done the same thing had the positions been changed. and now that the illini are in the championship i have to hear it even more. luckily they live 4 hours from greenville. im cheering for north carolina anyways. roy williams is still the coaching love of my life, even though he left kansas. i may hate unc, but i love mr williams and cant cheer against him in this situation. the rest of break was fun too, i got to hang out with pip about 4 times. its a good thing because i wont get to this summer. speaking of summer i hung out with her as well. kinda random though not unwelcome. lisa must have told her i was in town, so she came over for supper and then i went to her house and we talked for hours. kinda weird. prior to her engagement i had hardly ever talked to her. i think i didnt want to lead her on, kinda arrogant sounding, but we had that happen in the past. but now it was awesome. we talked mainly about her coming wedding, and she asked me if i could help with it. friday i went to rushville to see lisa, which was as fun as always. we were 4wheeling around their land and she showed me where she wants our house to be. kinda freaked me out for a second, but she was joking. it was a good spot, looking down on the creek, though the lane to the house would be a quarter mile through a pasture. but it was good and im gonna visit more from now on.
time to sleep
sean

if you really want to see me

check the papers, check the tv~one angry dwarf and 200 solemn faces-ben folds

heres a little wisdom i will leave you with before break...

one who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool-shun him
one who knows not and knows that he knows not is a child-teach him
one who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep-wake him
one who knows and knows that he knows is wise-follow him
~ancient arab proverb

and of course my favorite quote: in all things preach the gospel, and if necessary use words~st. francis of assisi

have a good break
sean

inhaling thrills through 20 dollar bills

and the tumblers are drained and then flooded again and again~this place is a prison-the postal service

Cornflower blue graced your figure

Folds that flap in midnight breeze

Calling softly are the locusts

Holding dear to summer dreams

Hands that mold into one body

Melt into the grassy knoll

Stars that cast their light so softly

Through whispers are stories told

Never have I felt so lonely

As in the morn we part ways

Hope will dry my tears of sadness

'Til next my lips will graze your face

i have decided that i am going to rob banks following my graduation from greenville college. i wonder if there is a guy named robert banks who goes by rob banks. i would hate the parents. robbing banks, i have come to the conclusion, will solve any problem that i come across. no longer will money or a job be an issue, but ill have more than enough. ill be evangelizing, because me waving a gun around will scare the jesus into people. haha. either that or id like to start a mob. im not italian, but im sure i can start a mutt mob, or perhaps a swedish/german/ english mob. theres plenty of those laying around. i think the dangerous and rich lifestyle is the way i would feel most comfortable, because im just a refined individual. anyways, im just babbling on incoherently, so ill sleep now.

sean

january 1979

saw a terrible crash and couldnt help but laugh~january 1979-mewithoutyou

chester asked me who i would have play me in a movie about my life. of course it has to be either brad pitt or tom cruise. the resemblance is unmistakeable. or samuel l jackson because he'll play any part thats offered him. spilly would say luke wilson hands down, but edward nortons my favorite. im just throwing out names, no actual thought or pattern to them. i honestly dont know how interesting a movie about my life would be. pretty much itd be about a guy sitting around a table hanging out with friends. been done before, probably too many times. now i could see myself as a supporting character, just a background person, but i dont think that i would really even want to watch a movie about myself. but i love luke wilson, and i think id give him the nod.

heres another list of 50, its been awhile and this week is rather slow:
101. i love fruit, but i never get around to eating any of it. if i do its usually an apple.
102. professor neumann told me that my chances of getting into grad school is slim to none, and i respect him even more because he was telling me the truth
103. at night i sometimes eat saltines prior to going to bed. it makes my mouth really dry, but it puts something in my stomach. right now im halfway through one of the packets, im really hungry.
104. my beloved watch was a graduation present from my mother.
105. i could eat my weight in clam chowder. my aunt mary makes homemade clam chowder every christmas eve, and i look forward to it the rest of the year.
106. i hate pennies. most often i leave them on the counter, or put it in the charity coffers on the counter. pennies dont seem worth their weight.
107. i wait to cash my paycheck until the next one arrives, its my way of insuring that i have money if i ever actually need it.
108. if i listen to dashboard its usually when im happy, and i stay happy through listening to it. ive never understood the depressing emo thing, it just seems very forced. but i do think dashboard is good music, which makes me happy.
109. i spent 20 dollars on star wars knights of the old republic, only to learn that i cant play it on my computer. it frustrates me to no end, because want nothing more than to play it and become an evil lord. so i decided to become an evil ruler through medieval total war.
110. i wear davidoff cool water cologne, not because i want to but because it was free. last year the company sent janssen a bunch of samples, but after the axe fights we decided not to hand out any more scents. i ended up taking a bunch of the samples. dont worry ladies, my stockpile will last for years.
111. all of my towels are blue. i had never noticed it before a minute ago. trust me it wasnt by design, though it might be my laid back subconscious
112. i cant understand the concept of citrus or cinnamon toothpaste. when i brush my teeth i want them to feel fresh. that just seems like it would leave an aftertaste which would be horrible.
113. i hate tucking in shirts. it feels so unnatural, though when i have to dress up i make sure i pull some of the shirt back out so i dont feel so constricted.
114. when i make a mess i try to hide it, but usually end up hiding it in a bigger mess. take the smashed goldfish on the floor...i just hid it under a pile of papers
115. my grandmother gets me pajamas for every christmas, and i end up wearing them for the entire year until she gets me another pair. funny thing is i dont need them by the next christmas, so i have 5 at home. i dont grow out of them, and i dont wear them through. but i have to start wearing the new pair, because my grandma got them for me.
116. i secretly wish all of those pajamas had footies
117. i wore a full body snowsuit until i was a junior in high school. its not so much funny because it was full body, but because it was bright red. i could stop a semi truck 3 miles away because it was so vibrant.
118. my most embarrasing moment is is made up of me asleep on the toilet. my dad trying to kick down the door. my brother asking the neighbors for help, and my mom on the phone with 911. just use your imagination and itll get funnier.
119. once at vacation bible school i laughed so hard i shot my koolaid out of my nose and back into my cup. instead of pouring it out in the sink i gave it to one of the thirsty little kids.
120. i wish i was proficient with the sword. i think war would be a lot cooler if we got rid of guns and went back to arrows and swords.
121. last year i was stalked by someone i had talked to once...couldnt figure out why that would happen. usually people are turned off by me at first, and then start liking me when the spend time with me.
122. i wish i could speak like ivan filby. i have never been more jealous of anyone with an accent, because you can curse with an irish accent and it just seems right.
123. i had a buzzcut from 1st grade until 11th, so now my hair wont lay down without gel. my hair is just an overgrown buzz, and probably always will be.
124. a little girl from my church, mara, drew a picture of me last time i was there. it looks nothing like me, or at least i hope it doesnt. the thing has 3 or 4 chins and a huge head, but it is one of my most prized possessions.
125. i think the most disgusting smell in the world is the mixing of marlboro cigs and the smell of avantis pizza bread. neither bothers me on their own, but i nearly vomit when they mix.
126. the most disgusting taste in the world is spiced gumdrops. i always think theyre regular gumdrops, so i put about 5 in my mouth and then realize i was horrible wrong. i then proceed to spit them all over the premises. and yet i continually fall for the nasty trick.
127. i use febreeze on my clothes, but i am not convinced that it actually works
128. ive drank from the milk carton once...and i felt like a rebel doing it.
129. i hate popcorn because the kernels always get stuck in my teeth. my grandma got me a popcorn popper for a going away present and ive used it once for a party. i feel guilty.
130. when i grow older i desire to be either the senile old men from secondhand lions, so i can shoot at traveling salesmen, or the old man in big fish so i can tell amazing stories.
131. this is pathetic, but while i listen to some songs i get pictures of different events that happened in the game morrowind while i was listening to the songs. im such a geek
132. i dont really wash my clothes except when i go home at the end of the month. i just lay them on my bed and spray them with febreeze after i wear them.
133. i wish i was funny enough to be a standup comedian
134. i think the idea of proposing to your lady friend on the jaws ride at universal studios, as seen in mall rats, is a brilliant idea.
135. kevin smith apologized to his hardcore fans for making mallrats because they complained so much, but i think it was a hilarious movie. of course i didnt find clerks all that funny, so im not one of his superfans. favorite mallrats quote is:
---"Listen, not a year goes by, not a year, that i dont hear about some bastard kid getting stuck in an escalator."-brodie
136. i never use mouthwash because i can never figure out how to get the cap undone. for some reason youre suppose to squeeze in the sides and turn, and i just cant do that.
137. one of my favorite songs is an irish drinking song entitled, "Nell Flaherty's Drake," and its about nell flaherty's drake which has been killed. (a drake is a male duck.) the song goes on to curse the hoodlum, and the different curses placed on the murderer are hilarious. here is one of the verses:
---may his pig never grunt, may his cat never hunt/may a ghost ever haunt him at dead of the night;/may his hen never lay, may his ass never bray/may his goat fly away like an old paper kite/that the flies and the fleas may the wretch ever tease,/and the piercing north breeze make him shiver and shake,/may a lump of a stick raise bumps fast and thick/on the monster that murdered Nell Flaherty's drake.
138. the separate world idea of the blog freaks me out sometimes...but then i figured i could use it to build up a vast power structure to form the base of my attempt to take over the world, so im ok with it now.
139. i should have failed out of high school math, but the teacher liked me so he passed me with a D-.
140. i have seen the horrible atrocities that have been carried out by the IRA, but for some reason i cant stop thinking that if i was in their position i would resort to violence as well. i wish i wouldnt, but i cant stop thinking how i would react when the govt shot my mother, or cousin, or brother, or friend, and i would probably react out of hatred and want nothing but to bring vengeance upon those who caused me pain. i have a lot of sympathy for liberty gospel followers.
141. sometimes when im around a microwave i cover myself up, because thats what the doctors do when they xray you. i dont want any future generations to be born with one of their arms sprouting out of their forehead. funny thing is i dont even understand how microwaves work.
142. when i do my work i like to do it as perfect as possible...its just getting around to doing my work that i have problems with.
143. i would like to get zoe tatooed across my left wrist, only zoe would be in greek, so looks more like ZWH. it means life, and its kind of a part of my covenant with yhwh
144. i have also thought of getting irish art tatoos, mainly of different animals, like a hound, a salmon, a phoenix...though i may wait and have them represent my children
145. in the past i have driven incredibly fast at all times. i did this because driving fast was a thrill. but this summer when i worked in gridley i got burned out on driving fast and have learned to take advantage of my time driving in the car.
146. i love mr t, but i feel sorry for him because its pathetic that hes still stuck in the A team
147. i decided not to run for president of the student body next year, but i promised ian that if i won through write ins that i would take the job.
148. ive always wondered why goldfish crackers are always smiling, since im going to eat them soon. i wouldnt think that would be a pleasant ordeal.
149. ive been relatively poor my entire life, however ive never really known it.
150. when i get married, i hope that my wife is able to keep the money in order because i cant even keep my measly checking account in order.

sean

can you feel your heart beat racing

can you taste the fear in her sweat~a boy brushed red...living in-underoath

i dont think that you can think about the world and not come away either completely depressed or pissed off or confused. actually probably all three. specifically about the allotment of fortunes in life. why do i get to be raised in the US while another boy my age is scrambling darfur just trying to find a meal for the day. why do i get to be perfectly healthy, while others get have a hard time sitting up in bed. why are some children stillborn, while a room over the child is happy and healthy. what a random lot. i know that i have been a staunch supporter of free will, even open theism, but i still dont understand how these physical evils are justified in the eyes of god. there is no solace in the fact that jimbe is starving in darfur, because government douchbags are trying to kill off part of the population.

When will justice come o lord. the eyes of the blind cannot see. the bodies of the poor are not clothed. the afflictions of the sick are not healed. and they continue to persist in this day after day. grant them, father, your mercy, grant them your grace, grant them hope. if hope does not come from you, then where will they find it. it is in your promises of healing, of clothing, of feeding that they continue on. and yet they are ravaged by the world, while hope slowly dims. grant us your kingdom here on earth, we have waited for so long.

be with chester, he is in the hospital. i want nothing more than for him to be healed. your will be done.
sean

your grandad left home for circus

he was young just like me with hope to explore~walking by-something corporate

My Muse's Nudge

Come muse I need your gentle nudge

A guiding hand to reveal my work

So far removed from my life

I thirst for your voice

A brush against your skin

To arouse the words from my pen

A passion inspired by the stroke of your lips

Just a single blessing so I may commend you

i have had few brilliant thoughts as of late, much has just been focused on the breath i am taking in that moment. there is no reason for this presence in the present but i have had trouble looking toward the past or the future or the realm of the theoretical. i am beginning to realize the struggles and joys that are around me every moment in the form of people and how i must be present to interact with them. i have for such a long time claimed that relationship is the end all be all of life, the very meaning for existence, but it is just beginning to sink in how correct that assumption might be. we all desire so greatly to be at such great heights in a place where there is no pain or suffering, where we will be free from it all to look down and see everything as perfect. but its not going to happen. our desire to escape is so great, we miss out on the fact that this is our existence, that going to mcds at 130 in the morning for 50 cent cheesburgers with 4 friends is the pinnacle of existence, just like throwing the frisbee is, or playing the which is better game at supper with a table full of friends. we do have little, but in another sense we have so much, and oftentimes we overlook our blessedness.

i have also begun to think of the gospel in a more simplified form, trying to get at the very essence of christ in order that i may be more able to understand it. oftentimes i think that we focus too much on the appendages of the gospel that we forget about the heart of the matter. who cares whether you see the sacraments transubstantially or consubstantially if you do not understand the love behind it, or extend the grace to others as what christ is extending to you through the sacrament. all that philosophy is in vain if you do not get the heart. its like worrying about stepping in a puddle when there is an ocean in front of you that you must cross.

this is not fully fleshed out, but it is all i have to say at the moment

sean

dont let me walk away from emaline

for stupid reasons~emaline-ben folds

i had the interview at 1130 today with the board. i must say that i had them eating out of my hand. haha. not really. joe culumber is on the board, so when the interviewers were introducing themselves instead of saying, "hi my names joe culumber," he asked me who my favorite professor was in an attempt to tease me. he thought full well that i would answer him, so i acted like i was thinking and said ruth huston, acted like i shot him with my fingers and said shot down. everyone erupted into laughter, which i guess was a good first impression. after that the teasing kind of shifted from me to joe, so he got the brunt of their jokes which set me at ease. as i expected they asked me to share my faith journey, and i brought my exodus project from pentateuch. its a lot easier to explain by reading that than it is to try to stumble through it. they all seemed rather touched that i was honest with them, and rob kirkham started weeping. i was incredibly touched by it. this of course brought up the fact that my depression might interfere with my ability to serve the body as a minister, but they seemed to come to a consensus that i would be ok. they are unable to grant me the conference ministerial candidacy as i was interviewing for because i havent taken a free methodist history and methods course. i need to talk to dr joe about that to see if i can get it done. even better than that, rob kirkham offered me an internship at the rushville church that i had wanted, and even better he asked me how much i would need for college the next year. i think he is going to ask his trustees to pay me for the intership, though i shouldnt get my hopes up. i really want to have rob as a mentor, ive known him forever, and he truly seems to understand what ministry is. the love that he has for his people is evident, and the fact that they love him is clear as well. then after that bruce cromwell took tyler and i out for lunch at ethans place, which i had never been to before and we each got the horseshoe. that was the most amazing thing i have ever encountered. instead of the normal ham on a bun with cheese dripped over it, the ethans place one started with a couple pieces of bread on the bottom with a patty of hamburger about 2 inches thick and as big as your head on top of that, with a layer of cheese, covered with a layer of chili, covered with a layer of fries and another layer of cheese. i was only able to eat about 3/4 of it, and im still full from it. ive felt like ive been carrying around a baby the entire day, because this brick of food is just sitting in my stomach unable to be digested by the stomach acids. but you know i would do it again if given the choice despite all the punishment.
thank you father for blessing me today. i have been able to spend it some of the people i care about the most.
sean

watch the sunrise

say your goodbyes, off you go~secret-maroon 5

so kansas lost...to bucknell. bucknell is one of those schools that you dont actually know where it is. bucknell is a school that has a mascot that even the commentators forget, (its the bison in case you forgot or never knew.) bucknell is a team that is in a conference that had never won a march madness game. by that i mean that not only had they never won, but none of the teams they play have actually won in the tournament. bucknell is a team that wasnt supposed to beat more than 8 or 9 of the other horrible teams in the tournament, and those games were to have been close. and they beat kansas, my glorious kansas, bending them over their knee like a misbehaving child and spanking the living daylights out of them. sure the game was close, but kansas was never in the game. the only person on kansas that seemed to want to be playing was wayne simien, though michael lee hustled hard as always. time after time everyone on kansas passed on wideopen shots to pass the ball into a quadruple teamed wayne simien. and there is only so much a man can do when he is fouled every time he gets the ball, even the brilliant wayne simien. for a team that had 4 starting seniors playing in their last game, most of them seemed like they had all the time in the world. they did not hustle. they did not pass well. they did not run any resemblance to an offense that ive seen, or guard any player that wouldnt wander within 2 or 3 feet of them. they trudged up and down the court hoping that bucknell would lose the game themselves. an underdog in the tournament wont do that. though i can never not love kansas, i will admit that i am completely and utterly ashamed of their preformance. here i was watching the game screaming at the tv, cursing the basketball gods and the referees, and seeing the players halfass their way on the court. thinking that they deserved to win, so they would, and in the end this came back to bite them and me. this was even more disappointing than when the kansas team with raef lafrentz, jacque vaughn, and scott pollard lost to rhode island in the second round. but you know, maybe next year.

tomorrows the big day. ive got my interview with the meg board at 1130 at the conference office. i dont like to let events make decisions for me, but i think the outcome of this meeting will decide what i head into following college. if they approve me to be a conference ministerial candidate i will more than likely take that as a sign and become a pastor. if they dont like what they hear, then i think that means that the community has spoken and i will move on to another field, perhaps teaching or working in a museum. i dont really plan on looking to other conferences or denominations to become accepted. kinda seems that action would be more self seeking and just me trying to get my way. on the plus side they moved it to 1130, and tyler thinks that they did that because they may have already considered and approved me. he didnt think they would do that if they had their doubts, which he also said means they wont really grill me all that hard. so hopefully. im going to wear my suit again, but i cant find my shoes. so either i left them in the car or at home. if i left it at home it means suit and sandals again, which i dont know how well it would go over. pray for me
sean