what did i do that you cant seem to want me

and why do we lie here and whisper goodbyes. where can i go that your pictures wont haunt me. what makes it so easy for you to be walkin by~walking by-something corporate

so somebody filled the key hole of one of my guy's door with superglue. this is the crap i have to deal with on a regular basis. i cant wait until i get to be one of the bastards, and not have to work with them. we were talking about harry the janitor today. that man can get you any piece of information that you ask him for. but he cant clean a bathroom to save his life. kinda funny. he moves from one lounge to the next watching tv. i dont know if ive ever actually seen him inside the bathroom, besides when he follows me in there when we are talking. hes retiring at the end of the month. he definitely hasnt been treated the greatest by students or by the school. ill miss him next year. maybe i can get him to clean our apartment, but idoubt it.
im trying to analyze whether bush should be criticizing putin for his undemocratic ways, and im not getting a definitive answer. sure putins being a bit of an autocrat, but its part of the development of democracy. each nation is different. especially in this third wave of democratic reforms. id even argue theres a 4th one starting with bushs intervention in iraq, and how its affected the rest of the middle east as well as ukraine. so weird, democracy has not existed for the thousands of years of civilization, but once it has started it is spreading like fire. everybody wants to be a somebody. in 225 years since the american revolution, democracy has spread to every continent and is continuing to spread. thatd be a nice topic to study for my senior thesis. i dont think im really allowed to call it an honors thesis, since im rather far from being an honors student. i remember when i was eating at the colemans house freshman year for david birthday and gene kamp asked me whether i wanted to be in the honors program. sarah laughed. i did too and then told him i didnt qualify. he told me to work on it, and maybe i should have. but i didnt and here i am. neumann wrote on my last paper that im doing better work. im rather proud of that. hes one of the few teachers who has ever invested in me. neumann and comrade keogh. keogh taught me to love history as a living thing. he also wanted me to go to brown like he did. not quite. most have brushed me off as talented but lazy. or a trouble young man trying to find his place in the world. haha. who isnt. i guess females are troubled young girls, but whatever. richard told me that his kindergarten teacher told his mother he would never amount to anything. what a stupid lady. probably one of the most brilliant people ive met. his mind is as sharp as anyones, and never forgets anything. they said the same thing about andy, and hes studying with some of the worlds greatest biblical archaelogists. look what happens when you brush someone off, they usually have the last laugh. and then your posterboys are hopped up on drugs and fallen under the pressure of the expectations. funny how time has a way of sorting things out. "im ok with being unimpressive. i sleep better at night." great quote from garden state, but i dont know how many people agree with it. idont know how much i do. i mean who wants to be average, or not good enough to stand out. i guess your not bad enough either. everyone lives for their existence to be affirmed. i mean you can think whatever you want about yourself, but we each have this burning desire to be noticed. to be acknowledged. to be loved. or hated if love cannot be achieved. no one wants to be a face in the crowd, because its better to be hated than to be ignored. being ignored, seen as part of the backdrop, is the hardest thing to accept. it means you are no better than the grass you walk on or the paint on the walls, and the existence of those things are less than meaningful. so you are nothing more than atoms and cells, any meaning that you ascribe yourself is synthetic if not seconded by others. thats the feeling you get from being ignored. thats why children will scream and punch other kids if overlooked by family or teachers. heck, even dogs understand this. if you pay too much attention to one, the other will try to push out the other to be petted. not even dogs want to be part of the canvas. its incredibly important that we are present to those we come into contact with because everyone is a broken individual, seeking nothing more than compassion. some are more willing to accept it than other, but that doesnt change the fact that theyre broken. it is through our presence that we will be able to minister to each others needs.
gnight
sean