zoe...to life

2005-09-15T12:03:00.000-07:00

so i am officially abandoning this blog for another at www.xanga.com/seal181. goodbye
sean

so why this safe distance, this curious look

2005-06-06T08:43:00.000-07:00

why tear out single pages when you can throw away the book. why pluck one string when you can strum the guitar...you played the flute but no one was dancing. you sang a sad song and none of us cried~torches together-mewithoutyou

i have to confront this. doug whitlock was an old friend from when i lived in springfield. the day after his brother geoff graduated he died in a car wreck. a horrible thing. we sent a sympathy card, and then i tried to push it out of my mind because it was painful to think about. its so sad. yesterday at my first service here at rushville his death was brought up in both the morning and evening services. i almost cried in the morning service. its not that i was ever incredibly close to doug, even at springfield i didnt spend much time with him, though joel did. at the time i thought he was a know it all. but he was a good guy. a model person, someone you wish you were. he was brilliant and kind. for some reason this is more sad than timmy dawkins death. i was better friends with timmy, i spent more time with him, but i knew he was going to die young. he suffered from every ailment that a body could suffer from, so i guess i had braced myself for it. but doug, he was strong and vibrant. he was going to change the world. everyone had expectations for him. rose, one of my bosses said last night in her sermon, while we mourn over the brevity of their lives, we should also rejoice in the blessed lives they lived in christ. and while that is cheerful, it brings little solace to me. i want a reason for his death. i dont want it to seem as if it was in vain. the old have lived their lives, and it is time for them to go. the young are only supposed to die for a cause. their sacrifice is important to the furtherance of something. and the only reason i can find for dougs death is that he died because some idiot 90 year old who shouldnt have been driving in the first place, pulled out in front of him either because he was too blind to see him or just didnt look. and the dmv prolly only gave the old man his liscense because they felt sorry for him. so i guess that shit just happens sometimes, and thats a part of life that we must come to expect, if not embrace. so what am i to do.
sean

ive suffered a swift defeat

2005-06-02T10:53:00.000-07:00

ill endure countless repeats. the gift of memory is an awful curse. with age it gets much worse, but i wont mind.~stability-death cab for cutie

its been awhile, but ive finally got settled here in rushville IL. tuesday i moved into the cabin on the campground outside of town and was pleasantly surprised. in the midst of thousands of spiders, roaches and other bugs was a nice cabin which is bigger than either of my dorm rooms have been. since im rather simple ive got all my stuff on one of the halves, including the futon that im sleeping on. i decided not to sleep on one of the three beds on the other half of the room. its even got a kitchen which would be nice if i actually knew how to cook. but theres plenty of room, so if anybody would like to visit me, just email me and ill hook you up. yesterday i went into work at 830 am and left at 930 pm with a half hour lunch hour. so 11.5 hours on my first day of work. luckily the two pastors left for conference today so im holding down the fort. and by that i mean im typing out this thingy. and i definitley wont work another 12 hours. my assignment for the time that rob and rose are away was to create a rule of life, kinda like the franciscan or benedictine rules. mines fairly simple. I, sean allen, will:
-dialogue with god daily through prayer, scripture, and meditation
-be aware of the way in which god interacts with the world
-serve others with compassion and vigilance
and -in all things seek to be the flesh and blood of Christ
hopefully i can keep this rule
better get to doing something else
sean

i listen to the wind of my soul

2005-05-23T09:22:00.000-07:00

where ill end up, well i think only god really knows.~the wind-cat stevens

im about to head out, just waiting on my guys to leave. another year over, and 3 more months til my last one starts. its been a weird year, which is completely underestimating how strange it actually was. nothing like i had pictured, but i guess thats how life is. life throws you screwballs all the time, but its not like you can change it. sometimes its for the best, sometimes its pointless. randomness is one of the most underrated parts of life, it keeps it interesting to say the least. john told me that it is his goal for next year that all of the janssen "patriarchs" to make out on festivus' couch. its such a beautiful couch. most comfortable place in the world. many a nights i fell asleep in that thing. maybe if josh stops complaining about me being single and hooks me up with someone, but im not doing a random makeout session to fulfill johns dream. next year is joey and lisa's last year rding janssen, so im going to look into doing it the year after i graduate. that would be awesome. going back home to be in charge. buzz wants it too, and hes tighter with chris and pedro, so who knows.
the year in retrospect
1. international relations with neumann, joe, wilding and jared.
2. growing while i created my exodus project. i learned a lot about myself
3. having surgery to fix my broken wrist
4. getting to know becca, lynn and amanda and josh caddell
5. growing closer to ian, chester, wilding and joe
6. learning to enjoy aspects of school that have to do with academics
7. meeting with the pastoral board
8. lots of jr. high drama
9. walks with ian
10. writers block in any attempt to write for fun
well im going to get the guys moving if they havent already. im not really sure how often ill be able to update over the summer. it seems my internet always sucks. have a good summer.
sean

so clear like the diamond in your ring

2005-05-21T23:34:00.000-07:00

cut to mirror your intention. oversized and overwhelmed, the shine of which has caught my eye and rendered me so isolated, so motivated.~dashboard confessional-vindicated

im on the edge of something. i dont know what it is, but its there in the pit of my stomach and the back of my brain. itching, but not coming to the surface. just shallow enough to bother me, but not enough to get solved. i think my subconscious is figuring it out for me, and will eventually reveal it to me. i need some existential detectives to help me. how am i not myself. haha. i think it has to do with intimacy but not really sure. gnight
sean

the bluest iris that id ever seen

2005-05-21T00:12:00.000-07:00

she vanished like a dream, sinking back into the ground. singing maybe im ashamed and maybe i wept real tears. but maybe she was hiding because she wanted to be felt.~be still child-mewithoutyou

today was a wonderful day for the most part. one of the better that ive had in the past few weeks. it involved diplomacy, marios pizza and 2 movies. life aquatic and i heart huckabees, both movies ive wanted to see for a long time but hadnt had the chance to. the people couldnt be beat either. i watched it with ian, russell, katie, josh and chase at russell's apartment, or whatever it is. good guy he is, incredibly intelligent, maybe i should hang around him to see if any wears off on me. joe and i shared victory in diplomacy. i stabbed richard in the back real hard to end the game. joe got david real good too. i felt kinda dirty doing it too. it took me 4 turns to get the courage to actually do it, and i probably could have had a better chance early on, but it worked anyways. i helped orchestrate joes turn on david and it was brilliant. he took 3 or 4 supply posts in the turn before you build, so david had to take them off the board. he went from 8 to 4. then he and richard conceded right away, which wasnt as fun as trying to fight it out for a couple turns. oh well. gnight
sean

i tried my best

2005-05-17T11:16:00.000-07:00

to keep my distance from your dress, but called response overturns conviction everytime.~title track-death cab

my mama huston prophets final

Message to the American Church, especially to myself

When will justice come, O Lord. The eyes of the blind cannot see. The bodies of the poor are not clothed. The afflictions of the sick are not healed, and they continue to persist in this day after day. Grant them, Father, Your mercy, grant them Your grace, grant them hope. If hope does not come from You, then where will they find it? It is in your promises of healing, of clothing, of feeding that they continue on. And yet they are ravaged by the world, while hope slowly dims. Grant us Your kingdom here on earth, we have waited for so long.
You who sit in these pews every week, you who ask the Father’s blessing upon your meals, you who claim life through the resurrection of the Father’s Son: HEAR A MESSAGE FROM THE LORD. Long have you claimed My blessing, calling yourselves My children, but you would think a father would know his children, and the children would know their father. I do not know you and you do not know Me, so how can you be My children. Repent and return to My ways, and I will let you live.
Have you so easily forgotten the Word of the Lord? My Son, whom I sent to you, My perfect Testament. Did he not feed the hungry? Did he not heal the sick? Did he not care for the widows and orphans? Did he not free the oppressed, and show compassion to the broken? Did he not forgive sins, even those who mocked him and nailed him to a cross? Was his body not broken? Was his innocent blood not shed for you and for many for the remission of sins? How have you forgotten that which means so very much to Me?
You do not feed the hungry. Thousands lined up to be fed by him. Instead you horde your treasures to be lost later on, or waste it on rubbish which will fail to bring you joy. And all the while you step over the poor man in the street begging for food. All the while the food pantries run low. All the while you gorge your untamable appetites for possessions, wasting your money. You have forgotten and ignored the hungry and poor for far too long. Repent and change your ways, or the food in your bellies will turn to worms. Repent and change your ways, or the possessions you hold on so tightly to will be ripped from your fingers. Repent and change or you will die alone.
You do not heal the sick. Hundreds fought their ways through the crowds to be touched. You did not see the pain that ravaged them while the cancer spread through their bodies. You have not watched the life slip from the man dying of AIDS. Your hospitals are full, but you have not gone. All the while you obsess with who was voted off Survivor. All the while you read about the love lives of the celebrities who you will never meet. You obsess over that which is unimportant and passing, while ignoring the sick and dying who will carry your compassion on into eternity. Repent and change your ways, or the time which you take for granted will slip away from you. Repent and change or you will die alone.
You do not care for the widows and orphans. The children were bounced upon his knee. He mourned with the widows at the death of their loves. You pity the children, but do not take them in. You cook the widows a meal and send them on the rest of their lives, mourning over the loss of their husband.

Wail Of A Widow
Though the rain falls upon us
That is not what chills my bones
The sight of you being lowered into the pit
Takes away my breath
I look back on the years we have spent
And the beauty of our union fills my mind
The closer we became
The more our love blossomed
Every second passes by in my dreams
From our first glance to our wedding kiss
From our first house to our children
The life we lived will console me through my nights
But what solace will accompany the sun
Only time will tell, my love
Only time will tell

Where are your tears? Where is your compassion? You do not provide for them. So obsessed were you, and so self-absorbed were you that you did not see they were crying. All the while you obsess over whether your boss will ask you to work overtime. All the while you worry whether you will have enough sick days to enjoy another vacation. All the while you worry whether your children are following what you are telling them to. They look at your lives and get confused by your sermons and how you ignore them. Repent and change your ways, or your children will not heed your words. Repent and change your ways, or you too will be ignored when you become widowed. Repent and change or you will die alone.
You do not free the oppressed, or show compassion to the broken. In his wake the demons fled their slaves. In his compassion he picked the prostitute off the ground. You live in a culture of brokenness. It runs rampant, running and ruining lives, while hope is lost on the general population.
Living On The Fringe
Living on the fringeA link at the end of the chain, useless and barely connectedHanging on for dear life, nothing to live for but just let goLiving on the fringePeering over the edge, my arms hug the jagged cliffThe ledge dissolves beneath my feet, nothing to hold me up so just fallLiving on the fringeThe appendix of society, existence without meaningImportance lost in the shuffle, nothing to do but disappearLiving on the fringeA buzzard by the road, watching life pass by
Waiting for things to die, nothing to eat so just starve
My Son did not overlook those wounded. I am the Father who welcomes back the son eating with the pigs, and you are the brother who despises him and looks after his own well-being. All the while you rejoice in your brothers’ broken state, giddy with excitement at their inadequacy. All the while you turn to your self-centeredness, ignoring their plight. Repent and change your ways, or you will be broken under the feet of your gleeful “brothers.” Repent and change your ways, or you too will lose hope. Repent and change or you will die alone.
You do not forgive, dwelling on how you have been wronged, and how others have wronged. What is too much grace and love? I understand the difficulty of forgiving, for I have been wronged more than any other. Was he not wronged? Did they not persecute him, mocking and lying about him, spitting and jeering, whipping and killing him? And yet, with his last breath he breathed forgiveness upon them, cleansed of this atrocious act, despite their lack of regret. It is in grace that a person receives what they have no right to, and it is in love that grace is given. This is the nature of the gospel, and to question grace and love is to question MY VERY NATURE. Repent and change your ways, so that I may call you My children.
REPENT AND CHANGE YOUR WAYS, you who call upon my name. Look at the problems which plague your brothers and sister, notice them and show compassion. No longer shall you step over the drunken bum, or shut him up with a dollar. No, you must reach out to him and care for him. Nurse him through his hangover, guide him through his rehab. Seek to restore him, and he will be eternally grateful. No longer shall you scorn the single mother, or push her into the background to save face. No, you must reach out and care for her. Throw her a baby shower, stay with her in the hospital, buy diapers for her child, and watch the child when she is worn out. Seek to restore her, and she will be eternally grateful. No longer shall you reject the homosexual, dehumanizing them to the role of an animal. When you do this you smear the face of God! No, you must show them love since the rest of the world rejects them. Hug them when they cry, listen to their fears. Seek to restore them, and they will be eternally grateful. No longer shall you ignore the plight of the minorities, relegating them to second-class status. No, you must fight for their rights and their protection. Do not let the world roll over the marginalized, stand up alongside them and My face shall shine down upon you. You must seek equal opportunity in education and the workplace. You must fight the economic cycle which condemns the minority to a life of struggle. You must not stand idly by while they are portrayed as sub-human through media or small talk. Seek to restore them, and they will be eternally grateful.
You who are weak, marginalized, hated and scorned, hold fast for I will bring you hope and restoration. Rain will fall upon the land that has famine, the desert flowers will show off their beauty. A glorious sunrise shall rise up over you, chasing away the dark night that you now lie in. The glory of the Lord will be seen in your restoration. I will strengthen the feeble hands, and steady the knees that give way. I will say to those with fearful hearts, “Be strong, do not fear; I will come, I will come with a vengeance; with divine retribution I will come to save you.” For I am the Lord Almighty, creator of heaven and earth, author of grace and love. If my people hear my voice and follow my commandments, I will restore them to their rightful place.
Our Father, Blessed Giver grant us peace during our anguish so we may not fall into Satan’s traps grant us hope despite our doubts so we may continue to search for Your face grant us love despite our fears so we may not be paralyzed in the face of adversity grant us grace despite our stains so that we may be lifted up as an offering to you En nomine Patri, et Fili, Spiritus Sancti

what did i do that you cant seem to want me

2005-05-15T22:24:00.000-07:00

and why do we lie here and whisper goodbyes. where can i go that your pictures wont haunt me. what makes it so easy for you to be walkin by~walking by-something corporate

so somebody filled the key hole of one of my guy's door with superglue. this is the crap i have to deal with on a regular basis. i cant wait until i get to be one of the bastards, and not have to work with them. we were talking about harry the janitor today. that man can get you any piece of information that you ask him for. but he cant clean a bathroom to save his life. kinda funny. he moves from one lounge to the next watching tv. i dont know if ive ever actually seen him inside the bathroom, besides when he follows me in there when we are talking. hes retiring at the end of the month. he definitely hasnt been treated the greatest by students or by the school. ill miss him next year. maybe i can get him to clean our apartment, but idoubt it.
im trying to analyze whether bush should be criticizing putin for his undemocratic ways, and im not getting a definitive answer. sure putins being a bit of an autocrat, but its part of the development of democracy. each nation is different. especially in this third wave of democratic reforms. id even argue theres a 4th one starting with bushs intervention in iraq, and how its affected the rest of the middle east as well as ukraine. so weird, democracy has not existed for the thousands of years of civilization, but once it has started it is spreading like fire. everybody wants to be a somebody. in 225 years since the american revolution, democracy has spread to every continent and is continuing to spread. thatd be a nice topic to study for my senior thesis. i dont think im really allowed to call it an honors thesis, since im rather far from being an honors student. i remember when i was eating at the colemans house freshman year for david birthday and gene kamp asked me whether i wanted to be in the honors program. sarah laughed. i did too and then told him i didnt qualify. he told me to work on it, and maybe i should have. but i didnt and here i am. neumann wrote on my last paper that im doing better work. im rather proud of that. hes one of the few teachers who has ever invested in me. neumann and comrade keogh. keogh taught me to love history as a living thing. he also wanted me to go to brown like he did. not quite. most have brushed me off as talented but lazy. or a trouble young man trying to find his place in the world. haha. who isnt. i guess females are troubled young girls, but whatever. richard told me that his kindergarten teacher told his mother he would never amount to anything. what a stupid lady. probably one of the most brilliant people ive met. his mind is as sharp as anyones, and never forgets anything. they said the same thing about andy, and hes studying with some of the worlds greatest biblical archaelogists. look what happens when you brush someone off, they usually have the last laugh. and then your posterboys are hopped up on drugs and fallen under the pressure of the expectations. funny how time has a way of sorting things out. "im ok with being unimpressive. i sleep better at night." great quote from garden state, but i dont know how many people agree with it. idont know how much i do. i mean who wants to be average, or not good enough to stand out. i guess your not bad enough either. everyone lives for their existence to be affirmed. i mean you can think whatever you want about yourself, but we each have this burning desire to be noticed. to be acknowledged. to be loved. or hated if love cannot be achieved. no one wants to be a face in the crowd, because its better to be hated than to be ignored. being ignored, seen as part of the backdrop, is the hardest thing to accept. it means you are no better than the grass you walk on or the paint on the walls, and the existence of those things are less than meaningful. so you are nothing more than atoms and cells, any meaning that you ascribe yourself is synthetic if not seconded by others. thats the feeling you get from being ignored. thats why children will scream and punch other kids if overlooked by family or teachers. heck, even dogs understand this. if you pay too much attention to one, the other will try to push out the other to be petted. not even dogs want to be part of the canvas. its incredibly important that we are present to those we come into contact with because everyone is a broken individual, seeking nothing more than compassion. some are more willing to accept it than other, but that doesnt change the fact that theyre broken. it is through our presence that we will be able to minister to each others needs.
gnight
sean

when we laugh indoors

2005-05-11T23:38:00.000-07:00

the blissful tones bounce off the walls, and fall to the ground...I loved you guinevere, i love guinevere, i loved you~we laugh indoors-death cab

some good ol' Yeats
He wishes for the cloths of Heaven
Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths, enwrought with golden and silver light, the blue and the dim and the dark cloths Of night and light and the half-light, I would spread the cloths under your feet: But I being poor have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

Last night i decided that my favorite flower is the calla lily. something about it is so pure but sensual. the flower is one leaf that curls around at the joining of the stem to make a bell shape. it is usually white with a yellow center. dont ask me why i was looking up flowers, ive never given much though to flowers, but last night i just started looking at them. i think i was looking at the movie adaptation, which set me on the path. i just didnt end up looking at orchids. or perhaps the mighty sean has fallen into sentimentality or love or both. haha. dont plan on it.

i was going to save my new favorite poem, but why not impart beauty upon you now.
Beautiful Dreamer
beautiful dreamer, wake unto me, starlight and dewdrops are waiting for thee; sounds of the rude world heard in the day, lull'd by the moonlight have all pass'd away! Beautiful dreamer, queen of my song, list while i woo thee with soft melody; gone are the cares of life's busy throng. beautiful dreamer, awake unto me! beautiful dreamer, awake unto me! beautiful dreamer, out on the sea, mermaids are chanting the wild lorelie; over the streamlet vapors are borne, waiting to fade at the bright coming morn. beautiful dreamer, beam on my heart, even as the morn on the strealet and sea; then will all clouds of sorrow depart, Beautiful Dreamer, awake unto me!
~Stephen Foster
and apparently mama huston paid me a compliment today. im not sure that you can get much better than that. gnight
sean

and if it was just how you wanted

2005-05-10T21:50:00.000-07:00

youd be glued to his bones and his brainstem. and changing your image and attitudes wont bring him back into your bedroom~amputations-death cab for cutie

today was one of the best prophets classes weve had, if not the best. mama huston gave us our final exam question which is for us to send a prophetic message to america. she was ranting about how in obadiah the edomites stand by and then join in the attacks on judah, so god was going to wipe them out beyond all recognition. she likened america to the edomites, mainly bystanders who do not act to help, and i completely agree with her. i am that man. i have this incredible sense of justice within me that seeks out the marginalized, but when i am confronted with it i fail miserably, just standing by watching. we are called to act on the behalf of those being beaten, those who are ignored. ive always been drawn to liberation theology. the fact that you can minister to people who are being treated as subhuman is what the christian faith is about, but when those same people are being raped, tortured and slaughtered by the thousands giving them a cup of water does little to calm their fears or bring them hope. something innate within me wants to lash out against the offenders with violence to save those being killed. i have no doubt in my mind that if i was in sudan ministering to the refugees and the junjaweed drove into town, i would have a burning desire to pick up whatever kalashnikov is lying around and attempting to use it. on the other hand there is this doubt in my mind, wondering whether that would be truly right to take the life of the offender. at the present moment if put in that situation i think i would fight now and ask for forgiveness later.
sean

i was a basket filled with holes

2005-05-09T23:22:00.000-07:00

and she was the sand i tried to hold and ran out behind me as i swung at some invisible hand~paper hanger-mewithoutyou

i went and got fitted for a tux for wildings wedding today. he and i drove to fairview heights, im not sure why we went all the way there. sarah said we could have just got it done in greenville at victorias. oh well, it was a good time. i was expecting to be taken to some back room by a tailor and strip down to my boxers and smoke a cigar like in the movies. but i didnt. the lady just wrapped a measuring tape around me at the counter of this place while i stood fully dressed and in full view of the rest of the mall. i was kinda disappointed, i guess i expected too much from a simple experience. wilding, ian and i were walking back from dq discussing foreign policy when ian stopped us and asked when we became the people we were. i mean we would never have talked about foreign policy or at least had an intelligent conversation about it freshman year, maybe even last year or semester. he was looking for a specific moment in time when something clicked, but i told him that there was never that single moment, and we will continue to evolve in our knowledge. chase just came back with a water balloon launcher he found on the ground. talk about being excited. its like when i was 7 gazing upon the HeMan sword with action noises that went off when you swung it. i didnt get that for christmas that year, causing me to question and conclude that santa is not real. sad thing for a 7 year old to ponder, but it needed to be done since he didnt get me the one toy i ever really wanted. i wish i had marvin the paranoid android as my friend. he would cheer me up.
sean

i find it kind of funny

2005-05-07T17:06:00.000-07:00

i find it kind of sad, the dreams in which im dying are the best ive ever had~mad world-tears for fears

i had an experience. i cant even explain it, but i did on the way back from watching donnie darko in tower. i was completely and utterly aware of everything around me, and i melted into the world around me. it started when i looked at the pink bush in front of burritt. the color was so vibrant, a hot pink in the midst of browns and greens. there was a couple sitting at the whispering wall and i could sense the joy as they sat and talked. on scott field there was a number of people, none of which i knew, but i felt like i did, especially the children. 2 little girls were running around laughing, the littlest one had curly blond hair and was 2 or 3. she squealed and she ran in a circle. 2 others were kicking a purple ball back and forth while a gc girl rocked back and forth with a crying infant. i noticed how tall the trees were. i saw the shade, and then it was over. my senses still seem heightened, but not to that extent. ive had heightened sense before. usually when my life or someone elses has seemed in danger. i think thats mainly hormones your body releases to focus as a survival instinct. at those moments you are shaken. this wasnt like that. it was pleasant. i heard a phrase, i think its from the tao that is "being in tune with the universe" and that seems to be a good way of explaining it. i dont know how else to.
sean

the cure for pain

2005-05-04T00:46:00.000-07:00

is in the pain, so its there that youll find me. until again i forget and again you remind me~cure for pain-mewithoutyou

thank you all of you for the birthday wishes that you sent me, i was flooded with them, mostly due to randy's campaign to let everyone in the student body know. it was a very good birthday, which was topped off by a few of us going to dennys. chester randy ian katie jacob chase matt and danny all accompanied me to dennys, where the waitress lavished free food upon us. ian implanted some interesting questions in my head on the ride up there, but im worn out and am just going to go to bed. thank you again for the chorus of happy birthdays that you all rained down upon me.
sean

i always thought you made a better door

2005-05-01T17:44:00.000-07:00

than a window, but who am i to tell. i can hardly wait to pull this blindfold over my eyes.~airtight-so many dynamos

i went home this weekend, and had a great if not so restful time. pip and i went to see kung fu hustle, which of course was pips choice. it wasnt as bad as his normal ones are, i actually enjoyed it. the stuff was completely unrealistic, but that added a comedic tone to the movie. i wanted to see hitchhikers guide to the galaxy to see if its as good as the books, though ive never actually read the book, just listened to it on book on tape. but thats not pips kind of movie. any time u have to use your brain to get something hes out. haha. he got a 10 out of 150 on his research paper and the teacher wont let him redo it. thats like a .6 percent. he went from an A in the class to an F and probably cant bring it up. i started laughing which probably wasnt the best response, but then i changed it to outrage at the teacher to sympathize with him. empathy isnt one of my strong suits, but i can pull it out when i need to. i doubt i have any non-strengths, (weaknesses) because i am just amazing at everything. bow to me. if u want. maybe. gpa and gma came to eat with us and he is doing better than last time i was home. the surgery and sickness really took a lot out of him, but he was actually able to mow half their yard on saturday. he smiled a lot, which has been unusual for the past several months. hes not the kind of man to like being helpless in a bed. gma of course picks out his clothes to wear, has for years, and he wore this old buttondown shirt that was definitely from the seventies. there were some rainbow stripes and then stripes of this blue and white design. it was amazing. keith and i teased him about it. i think that might be the first time ive actually teased him, it felt kinda weird doing it and i prolly wont do it again.

david, do you have force powers. i didnt know if wizards passed on their genes to the future generations, because that would be amazing if you did. have you ever seen mall rats, the force is definitely strong in silent bob. but ud be a wizard and not a jedi, but u think a wizard could conjure up things like force powers. randy and i are nearly the same person, sort of...its kinda weird how many of the same strengths you share with others. i wonder if there is anyone who has all 5 of my strengths and in the same order. just thinking about it makes me feel inadequate. im not an individual like this culture has been telling me for nearly 21 years. i am not an original snowflake. i am the crap of the earth. sorry, fight club reference. i need to watch that movie again. its been almost a year i think. its beautiful, having brad pitt and edward norton. two of the hottest people on the planet in my opinion. today the kids performed a play for us at church. it took them 3 months to work on, but they did everything for it. even created the characters and wrote the script, which i found amazing. i definitely didnt have the creativity to do taht when i was 7 or 8. i guess theyre 9 or 10 now. lose track when u go away for college. mara recited a verse from luke 6 which says "blessed are you when men men hate you, when they exclude you and insult you and reject your name as evil, because of the Son of Man. Rejoice in that day and leap for joy, because great is your reward in heaven. For that is how their fathers treated the prophets." she went on to say that christ suffered and died and we will do the same when we live a gospel life. she said christ was rejected and beaten and we should expect that same treatment. all that from a 10 year old girl. wow.
sean

is that what you call a getaway

2005-04-28T00:25:00.000-07:00

tell me what you got away with, because ive seen more spine on a jellyfish, ive seen more guts in 11 year old kids~seventy times 7-brand new

its 2:34, weird but not as weird as looking at the clock when its 12:34. i always seem to do that too, like some burning instinct within me to look at the clock when my body thinks its that time. i see it probably 4 or 5 times a week and i dont look at the clock all that often. this summer when i worked construction i usually took my break from 12 to 1230, so it seemed like i saw it every day this summer. that should be a holy minute or something. like how the poles would keep vigil for the minute that pope john paul II had died. i wonder if theyre still doing that. he had to be the most important pole ever, i dont know to many others. maybe mike krzyzewski, also known as coach k from duke, but hes not really internationally known.
i havent really written anything of substance for the past few days, maybe thats because im not of much of it but i dont know how bad a thing that is.
David, i dont want to dismay you, but i do not have input as one of my strengths. in fact i dont really have any thinking strengths whatsoever, well i guess context is considered one. my strengths in order are:
1. Adaptability-im not really sure i consider this a strength in the way that i use it.
2. Developer-i try to bring out the best in people
3. context-i see how things develop
4. includer-i seek out the weak ones
5. relator-i understand you...i just dont care
four of them are relational skills. go figure that my real strong suit is people, considering i hate them all. except for you david. of course. it may just seem like im intelligent, because im dumb enough to believe anything i say making it hard for people to differentiate between the truth and what is false. or maybe im just a liar. its hard to say. and im rambling on about things that dont matter. gnight
sean

and when i see you

2005-04-26T11:37:00.000-07:00

i really see you upside down. but my brain knows better, it picks you up and turns you around. if u feel discouraged that theres a lack of color here, please dont worry lover, its really bursting at the seams.~lack of color-death cab for cutie

jared spanked me today in football, 35-14. i had beat him 4 straight and 8 of the last 9, but today he shut me down in every facet of the game. He used some of my own no mercy tactics to completely humiliate me. im proud of that.
david, dont worry, an incubus is a demon which sneaks into rooms and has sex with the women. he ends up making the woman hate sex for the rest of their lives. children concieved from sex with an incubus are thought to be witches or disfigured. it was speculated that the great wizard, Merlin, was the offspring of a woman's encounter with an incubus. lucky for you and i, the incubus are not homosexual and will not violate men. however there are female demons called sucubus which do the same thing to guys, though for some reason i cant see guys hating sex. vile creatures.
im too tired to write anything
sean

the servers wore crosses

2005-04-24T21:28:00.000-07:00

to shield from the suffering plaguing the others. styrofoam plates, cafeteria tables, charity reeks with cheap wine and pity~styrofoam plates-death cab (maybe my favorite song ever)

i would like to congratulate david with his intense study of the phonetical differences between sean and seal, though the spellings are so closely related since the first three letters are shared. these questions are extremely thought provoking and i would like to provide a fulfilling answer to davids questions, based on etymology, or the study of the origins of words. seal has two major meanings, one being the animal and the other is the act of closing up. experts are unsure where exactly seal the animal name comes from, though it is immediately derived from the old english seolh, which is based on the swedish sjol. this swedish is thought to have its root in an unknown finnic-ugrian word. Seal, the verb on the other hand, has its basis in the wax used to close envelops, which is found in Latin as sigillum or signum. Old English for seal is insegil, which shows the evolution from sigillum to seal.
Sean on the other hand is of Irish-gaelic origin, a language which formed outside of the grasps of latin and the mutt germanic languages. in irish gaelic the se is always pronounce with a "sh" sound, thus creating the shawn sound that my name encompasses. the reason that sean and seal are so different in their pronunciations despite their similarities is that they are from two different languages altogether, while using the same roman alphabet. hhhh, goodnight
sean

when ive heard enough

2005-04-22T09:13:00.000-07:00

i tell myself that weve learned our lesson, but i dont want to walk away from emaline~emaline-ben folds

last night was the megachurch mock in vespers, and a lot of people took it more seriously than the people who put it on meant it to be. perhaps if it hadnt been during the normal vespers time there wouldnt have been as much of a problem, because people were planning on their normal worship time and were faced with a mock of it. overall i thought it was excellent, and being that it was the only presentation that i attended it was the best one in my opinion. haha.

but most importantly as i was walking down the steps following vespers i looked at the refreshment table set up by the group...and kristin was serving drinks. i was blown away. at first i thought i was just mistaken and it was someone who looked like her, but then she looked up and saw me. i helped her clean up and we got to talk a little, not much, but she said that david was doing really well. apparently he is the best young hockey player in hungary and some nhl scouts took a look at him a couple weeks ago and said he was really good, and just needed to grow a little bit. that is freaking awesome. and of course kristin is coming to greenville next year. i hope to be able to hang out with her while shes here. it sounded like their whole family was going to be around for the summer, definitely going tobe here for sarahs wedding. itd be good to see jerry and jan again. i have a lot of respect them, they are selfless and just good people.
sean

when i was sinking down

2005-04-19T18:10:00.000-07:00

beneath gods righteous frown, christ laid aside his crown for my soul. to god and to the lamb, who is the great i am, and when from death i am free ill sing~wondrous love

holy fire which burns so hot within the heart of man. i dont know where ive heard this, if i have, but it keeps running through my head and i was trying to finish a poem for it, but i couldnt get past that line. my entire prophets class was spent dwelling on it trying to figure out what it means or what meaning to ascribe it. and then the routine argument came. if you havent ever had a mama huston class you wont understand, but every period there ends up being an argument between those who hold different mindsets. more often than not i end up tuning it out because i grow tired of people trying to force others to change to their side without actually listening to the other side. both sides do it and it frustrates me to no end. and today i started to, until mama huston said something to the effect that we, the body of christ are involved in what christ did here on earth. it was said that christ became like us so that we may become like him, in essence christ lived the life of a man, so we may be the children of god. by being the children of god we are now the body of christ present on earth and are to continue out the things that christ did while he was living on earth. this is why jesus is called the word in john 1. he is the ultimate example of god, being god, and was therefore the very law of god himself. he is THE testament. while the scriptures were written as godly mens observation of god working in the world, the life of christ is gods commandment. he is the word. and we not only should desire to emulate christ, but must for he is the "way, the truth, the life." this way, this truth, this life isa life of service, of humbling yourself to those you come across in this life. it is a life of sacrifice, of pain and struggle, it calls us to be humiliated, to be walked over, and to respond with compassion and "go and sin no more." it is a life of the innocent atoning for the sins of the guilty. it is this desire, this burning need of redemption which is the fire that burns so hot within the hearts of man.

so why is it wrong to offer grace, to offer compassion. what is too much grace and love. i understand the difficulty of forgiving. i have wronged and been wronged as any other in this life, and cannot say that i am always the most gracious of people. however when a person offers this grace and love to a person, who am i, WHO AM I to question it. who am i to deny what is freely being given out of a pure heart. if only a person would label me as too gracious or too compassionate my heart would be overjoyed for i would be doing the same as christ. as he was dying he breathed "forgive them for they know not what they are doing." these men who had scorned and whipped, humiliated and ultimately killed were forgiven of this atrocious act. it is in grace that a person receives what they have no right to. and it is in love that that is given. this is the nature of the gospel, and to question grace and love is to question the very nature of god. grace is not necessary, especially when the cut is still tender. however when that grace is given, who are we to question it and to call for its removal.
sean

the glove compartment is inaccurately named

2005-04-18T23:14:00.000-07:00

and everybody knows it, so im proposing a swift orderly change. because behind its doors theres nothing to keep my fingers warm, and all i find are souvenirs from better times~title and registration-death cab for cutie

ill death cab your cutie. sorry that was retarded, i apologize wholeheartedly. anyways, im sorry for frightening you david, but thats just what you have to expect from an omnipresent being such as myself. im always there, watching you. kinda freaks me out. and john, you cant be any more correct, as usual. the mans always trying to keep us down, so damn the man.
so i just finished a review of my nutrient intake for hpr tomorrow, and i really dont eat as bad as a i claim. i dont think. i mean i may eat crap but i get pretty much all of my needed nutrients, except carbs. but nobody does that anymore. i even got 2000 calories, actually an average of 2294 per day, so i do eat after all.

today was rather different in the fact that i actually talked to people that i hadnt really known much before today. in chapel i sat next to THE nicole tucker, who i had not had the priveledge of knowing prior to today, and she commented on the fact that my feet were stained green. i didnt have to guts to tell her that i just hadnt taken a shower from the day before, and any stench she came upon probably was from me though i had just sat in my room the working on papers sunday. then after classes i sat on scott field for a long time with rebecca langley who i had never actually talked to outside of class. josh, amanda and katie joined us after awhile, and i must say i enjoyed the breeze and the people. in addition to that, i continued conversing with megan, which i have come to like in the past week. she may be blonde, but shes not actually dumb. haha. overall today was a good day, which i wouldnt have any other way.
hhhh...im going to bed
sean

he has cleared all his things

2005-04-16T01:58:00.000-07:00

and put them in boxes, things that remind him that life has been good~fred jones part 2-ben folds

charity threw my sandal in the trash and it went to the bottom and i couldnt reach it. so i had to go and get new ones. unfortunately they didnt have my normal type in my size so i had to get a different one that has a strap that goes between your big toes and the ones next to it. it rubs, which doesnt feel very good, but i guess its good to get a change once in a while.

a friend of mine who was completely broken told me it was it times like those that broke him that you found out who your real friends were. it was when you really need them that they actually prove themselves as your friend. i think im beginning to see who is truly who i thought they were and who is surprising me in either direction. some have reacted to him completely adverse to what i had expected and it is despicable to me. i can barely gaze upon their faces without a burning within me. on the other hand there are a few who truly have the right to act horribly to him and they have passed on it to show him love and compassion, which has been a blessing to me unlike any other. i have heard all of these speeches lately about how christ would act in this situation and that, but the speeches are somewhat dead in practical aspects, and here are these two people mainly who have not spit in the face of god but instead took the beatings and crucifixion of the son and made it theirs. pronouncing forgiveness to him who truly needed it. bless them father for they are the children of god. it pains me to see those who expound so greatly on the need for the church to extend grace and mercy to those who have failed, reject those who have failed when they actually present themselves to these people. it shows all the great ideals they had are bullshit after all, but in the end i guess i must attempt to show them grace and mercy as i feel they should though it sickens me.

character and integrity i have heard is what you do when no one is around, and when no one will find out. even more than this, i feel it is when you have made a mistake and have owned up to it. passing on the buck is a normal occurence in our culture especially. i am as guilty of it as anyone. it is easy to run away from the consequences of your actions, but true repentance will never come about from that, and with that true forgiveness is incredibly difficult. let us seek true repentance.
sean

then the months stack up

2005-04-11T23:16:00.000-07:00

like an additive crutch, as if the drinks werent enough~state street residential-death cab

so ive spent about 5 hours staring at judges 19 doing a paper on it. such a horrible passage. this levite is bringing back his concubine after she ran away and while he is staying at this house the townspeople demand that he come out so they can rape him. he sends his woman out instead and goes to sleep. they rape her and murder her, and the levite comes out the next morning to take her home after shes been ravaged all night and finds her dead. shit. thats all i can think. one of the greatest tragedies i have ever heard. reminds me of the child torn apart by the hunting dogs in front of his mothers eyes after the general releases them on him for hitting one of the dogs with a stone in the brothers karamozov. that has been burned into my memory, and this passage wont leave either. kinda pathetic how we act towards one another, myself as much if not more than others. i hope if i ever do something like one of these stories that someone will torture and murder me, because i would deserve it. it got me to thinking, lately there have been a number of rapes by soldiers in darfur and the native men are unable to stop it. how horrible would it be to stand there impotent while your child or sister or mother or even wife was taken advantage of. my rage is boiling up within me even thinking about it. father convict me when i am dehumanizing people, i smear the face of god when i hurt your children. bless them
sean

she stared for hours

2005-04-06T15:14:00.000-07:00

so obsessed was i and self-absorbed that i didnt see that she was crying~carrying cathy-ben folds

so im going to copy the lists everyone else has been doing because im bored and have no life

10 random things about me
10. right now im wearing an indian skirt that ian brought me back from his trip, i cant figure out how to sit down without showing off my underwear...so i am showing off my underwear
9. when im at home by myself i walk around naked before i take a shower...its a rather freeing experience
8. sometimes when i stay up late at home ill watch the infomercials, most often the pilates one. i then try and follow along with the 10 second clips of the exercises to see if it works.
7. i hate asking for help when i really need it, but i have no problem asking for directions or where stuff is in the store like other guys.
6. ive never used preparation h, but i want to after i see the preparation H guy on conan...i think his songs are funny
5. my dad has always stressed being courteous and following etiquette...and i think a lot of it has rubbed off
4. i aced advanced math in 2nd grade, and then failed high school math. i must be getting dumber
3. i get my sandals for 6.99 at walmart, 5.99 when the "sandal season" is over...like theres an actual no-sandal season
2. i got in trouble for watching a fight when i was in 5th grade, one of the people involved in the fight, the cathy dosen, implicated me in it. i still despise her when i think of it, i hope she lives in a trailor and has 12 kids...maybe i should let it go
1. i dont own a credit card because i worry that i would overspend, and i dont want to get in any more than i already am for college, though i know i need one to build up my credit
Nine places ive visited
9. Siesta Key, FL
8. Washington D.C.
7. Topeka, KS
6. Turkey Run, IN
5. Detroit/Canada
4. Cumberland, KY
3. Costa Rica
2. Rushville, IL
1. Pere Marquette, IL
8 things to do before i die
8. backpack around Europe
7. build a cabin
6. get married to a beautiful, compassionate girl
5. have 2 or 3 kids
4. pastor a church that looks after the poor and needy
3. live in the country so i can walk around in the woods and fields naked if i want
2. have a nice vegetable garden
1. camp in alaska
7 ways to win my heart
7. being able to take and dish out a teasing
6. lay out under the stars at night with me and talk
5. throw around the frisbee on a nice day
4. visiting with the lonely person in a crowded room
3. picking up a child after they fell and consoling them
2. catching my eye and staring into them for a second or two
1. swinging on a swing and talking
6 things i want
6. some birkenstocks
5. 10 acres with house, 2 weeping willows in front of the house and a creek running through the land
4. to explore with lisa on a 4wheeler
3. diplomacy board game and 6 friends to play with
2. to only have to take classes that interest me
1. for my great great grandfathers shotgun to be passed on to me so i can put it over my fireplace
5 things im afraid of
5. getting a papercut on my eyeball
4. driving in heavy traffic
3. that ive missed the best chances of my life
2. large crowds
1. growing too close to people
4 of my favorite items in my bedroom
4. couch
3. mara's picture of me
2. my jeans
1. my jean blanket
3 things i hate
3. being talked down to or seeing other people being talked down to
2. spiced gumdrops
1. being ditched
2 things im happy about
2. my gnome is making a face at me
1. the indian skirt that is having a hard time covering me up
1 person i want to see
1. pip

you took the word

2005-04-04T23:27:00.000-07:00

and made it heard and eased the peoples pain after that~not the same-ben folds

i love this song, mostly because of the story behind it. after one of his shows, mr folds went to a party and one of his friends took a hit of acid. he climbed up a tree while he was tripping and stayed up there the entire night, while everyone else left or passed out. the next morning he came down from the tree and he was a born again christian and you could tell. i find it to be the most hilarious story i have ever heard, which makes this song even better. i wish i could have gotten to see him with bekah.

so tonight i drove chesters wheelchair with my buttcheeks. im not talking about the seat of my pants, but the actual cheeks. I am a god among men. if that doesnt prove my worth as a human being, i dont know what does and am not sure that i want to know. i talked to tyler a little more about the church and his second email sounded even worse. i think that its in the cards that the church folds. maybe in the future the conference will be able to plant a church, but at the present moment the outlook doesnt look too good. on a better note, tyler sent in an application to the college to take over for craig, which would be awesome and i think he would fit in well. though i doubt hes going to get it because he doesnt have his phd. maybe if he gets the job he can teach greek so ruth wont have us do it at 730 in the morning. but who knows.
sean

tap on my window

2005-04-03T22:42:00.000-07:00

knock on my door...i want to make you feel beautiful~she will be loved-maroon 5

i looked for you and you have come to me, now let me thank you~pope john paul

the conference wants to transfer tyler to another church. i think he kind of wants to get out as well. he hasnt been treated all that great, though christian love is found there now and it was a great learning experience for him. there arent any other openings in the conference so he might have to transfer out of the conference. i hope not, especially since he has taught me so much. next sunday bishop krober is coming to the church to meet with the congregation to see what to do next. i think this is the point where the choice is to either close down or bust our butts to fix the situation. the bills are not getting paid, at least i dont think so. i havent gotten the treasurers report yet. but that do or die might be the best thing. when we went without a pastor for a year the congregation seemed to grow together, though it might have been the reason for many of tylers problems. tyler is suppose to email me to tell me what the bishop is going to go over in the meeting, but it just doesnt sound good. anyways, i got the letter back from the conference about my interview. they approved me for conference ministerial candidacy on 2 conditions. first that i take the free methodist history and polity course and then get a psychological examination from a psychiatrist. haha. they think im crazy. they said that it is a stressful and emotionally damaging occupation, so they want to make sure im up to it. hhhh. oh well.
break was good, i went to turkey run with my parents and stopped by my cousins house on the way. boy did i hear it about how great illinois was and how much kansas sucked. well i guess i woulda done the same thing had the positions been changed. and now that the illini are in the championship i have to hear it even more. luckily they live 4 hours from greenville. im cheering for north carolina anyways. roy williams is still the coaching love of my life, even though he left kansas. i may hate unc, but i love mr williams and cant cheer against him in this situation. the rest of break was fun too, i got to hang out with pip about 4 times. its a good thing because i wont get to this summer. speaking of summer i hung out with her as well. kinda random though not unwelcome. lisa must have told her i was in town, so she came over for supper and then i went to her house and we talked for hours. kinda weird. prior to her engagement i had hardly ever talked to her. i think i didnt want to lead her on, kinda arrogant sounding, but we had that happen in the past. but now it was awesome. we talked mainly about her coming wedding, and she asked me if i could help with it. friday i went to rushville to see lisa, which was as fun as always. we were 4wheeling around their land and she showed me where she wants our house to be. kinda freaked me out for a second, but she was joking. it was a good spot, looking down on the creek, though the lane to the house would be a quarter mile through a pasture. but it was good and im gonna visit more from now on.
time to sleep
sean

if you really want to see me

2005-03-24T11:44:00.000-08:00

check the papers, check the tv~one angry dwarf and 200 solemn faces-ben folds

heres a little wisdom i will leave you with before break...

one who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool-shun him
one who knows not and knows that he knows not is a child-teach him
one who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep-wake him
one who knows and knows that he knows is wise-follow him
~ancient arab proverb

and of course my favorite quote: in all things preach the gospel, and if necessary use words~st. francis of assisi

have a good break
sean

inhaling thrills through 20 dollar bills

2005-03-24T00:23:00.000-08:00

and the tumblers are drained and then flooded again and again~this place is a prison-the postal service

Cornflower blue graced your figure

Folds that flap in midnight breeze

Calling softly are the locusts

Holding dear to summer dreams

Hands that mold into one body

Melt into the grassy knoll

Stars that cast their light so softly

Through whispers are stories told

Never have I felt so lonely

As in the morn we part ways

Hope will dry my tears of sadness

'Til next my lips will graze your face

i have decided that i am going to rob banks following my graduation from greenville college. i wonder if there is a guy named robert banks who goes by rob banks. i would hate the parents. robbing banks, i have come to the conclusion, will solve any problem that i come across. no longer will money or a job be an issue, but ill have more than enough. ill be evangelizing, because me waving a gun around will scare the jesus into people. haha. either that or id like to start a mob. im not italian, but im sure i can start a mutt mob, or perhaps a swedish/german/ english mob. theres plenty of those laying around. i think the dangerous and rich lifestyle is the way i would feel most comfortable, because im just a refined individual. anyways, im just babbling on incoherently, so ill sleep now.

sean

january 1979

2005-03-22T11:19:00.000-08:00

saw a terrible crash and couldnt help but laugh~january 1979-mewithoutyou

chester asked me who i would have play me in a movie about my life. of course it has to be either brad pitt or tom cruise. the resemblance is unmistakeable. or samuel l jackson because he'll play any part thats offered him. spilly would say luke wilson hands down, but edward nortons my favorite. im just throwing out names, no actual thought or pattern to them. i honestly dont know how interesting a movie about my life would be. pretty much itd be about a guy sitting around a table hanging out with friends. been done before, probably too many times. now i could see myself as a supporting character, just a background person, but i dont think that i would really even want to watch a movie about myself. but i love luke wilson, and i think id give him the nod.

heres another list of 50, its been awhile and this week is rather slow:
101. i love fruit, but i never get around to eating any of it. if i do its usually an apple.
102. professor neumann told me that my chances of getting into grad school is slim to none, and i respect him even more because he was telling me the truth
103. at night i sometimes eat saltines prior to going to bed. it makes my mouth really dry, but it puts something in my stomach. right now im halfway through one of the packets, im really hungry.
104. my beloved watch was a graduation present from my mother.
105. i could eat my weight in clam chowder. my aunt mary makes homemade clam chowder every christmas eve, and i look forward to it the rest of the year.
106. i hate pennies. most often i leave them on the counter, or put it in the charity coffers on the counter. pennies dont seem worth their weight.
107. i wait to cash my paycheck until the next one arrives, its my way of insuring that i have money if i ever actually need it.
108. if i listen to dashboard its usually when im happy, and i stay happy through listening to it. ive never understood the depressing emo thing, it just seems very forced. but i do think dashboard is good music, which makes me happy.
109. i spent 20 dollars on star wars knights of the old republic, only to learn that i cant play it on my computer. it frustrates me to no end, because want nothing more than to play it and become an evil lord. so i decided to become an evil ruler through medieval total war.
110. i wear davidoff cool water cologne, not because i want to but because it was free. last year the company sent janssen a bunch of samples, but after the axe fights we decided not to hand out any more scents. i ended up taking a bunch of the samples. dont worry ladies, my stockpile will last for years.
111. all of my towels are blue. i had never noticed it before a minute ago. trust me it wasnt by design, though it might be my laid back subconscious
112. i cant understand the concept of citrus or cinnamon toothpaste. when i brush my teeth i want them to feel fresh. that just seems like it would leave an aftertaste which would be horrible.
113. i hate tucking in shirts. it feels so unnatural, though when i have to dress up i make sure i pull some of the shirt back out so i dont feel so constricted.
114. when i make a mess i try to hide it, but usually end up hiding it in a bigger mess. take the smashed goldfish on the floor...i just hid it under a pile of papers
115. my grandmother gets me pajamas for every christmas, and i end up wearing them for the entire year until she gets me another pair. funny thing is i dont need them by the next christmas, so i have 5 at home. i dont grow out of them, and i dont wear them through. but i have to start wearing the new pair, because my grandma got them for me.
116. i secretly wish all of those pajamas had footies
117. i wore a full body snowsuit until i was a junior in high school. its not so much funny because it was full body, but because it was bright red. i could stop a semi truck 3 miles away because it was so vibrant.
118. my most embarrasing moment is is made up of me asleep on the toilet. my dad trying to kick down the door. my brother asking the neighbors for help, and my mom on the phone with 911. just use your imagination and itll get funnier.
119. once at vacation bible school i laughed so hard i shot my koolaid out of my nose and back into my cup. instead of pouring it out in the sink i gave it to one of the thirsty little kids.
120. i wish i was proficient with the sword. i think war would be a lot cooler if we got rid of guns and went back to arrows and swords.
121. last year i was stalked by someone i had talked to once...couldnt figure out why that would happen. usually people are turned off by me at first, and then start liking me when the spend time with me.
122. i wish i could speak like ivan filby. i have never been more jealous of anyone with an accent, because you can curse with an irish accent and it just seems right.
123. i had a buzzcut from 1st grade until 11th, so now my hair wont lay down without gel. my hair is just an overgrown buzz, and probably always will be.
124. a little girl from my church, mara, drew a picture of me last time i was there. it looks nothing like me, or at least i hope it doesnt. the thing has 3 or 4 chins and a huge head, but it is one of my most prized possessions.
125. i think the most disgusting smell in the world is the mixing of marlboro cigs and the smell of avantis pizza bread. neither bothers me on their own, but i nearly vomit when they mix.
126. the most disgusting taste in the world is spiced gumdrops. i always think theyre regular gumdrops, so i put about 5 in my mouth and then realize i was horrible wrong. i then proceed to spit them all over the premises. and yet i continually fall for the nasty trick.
127. i use febreeze on my clothes, but i am not convinced that it actually works
128. ive drank from the milk carton once...and i felt like a rebel doing it.
129. i hate popcorn because the kernels always get stuck in my teeth. my grandma got me a popcorn popper for a going away present and ive used it once for a party. i feel guilty.
130. when i grow older i desire to be either the senile old men from secondhand lions, so i can shoot at traveling salesmen, or the old man in big fish so i can tell amazing stories.
131. this is pathetic, but while i listen to some songs i get pictures of different events that happened in the game morrowind while i was listening to the songs. im such a geek
132. i dont really wash my clothes except when i go home at the end of the month. i just lay them on my bed and spray them with febreeze after i wear them.
133. i wish i was funny enough to be a standup comedian
134. i think the idea of proposing to your lady friend on the jaws ride at universal studios, as seen in mall rats, is a brilliant idea.
135. kevin smith apologized to his hardcore fans for making mallrats because they complained so much, but i think it was a hilarious movie. of course i didnt find clerks all that funny, so im not one of his superfans. favorite mallrats quote is:
---"Listen, not a year goes by, not a year, that i dont hear about some bastard kid getting stuck in an escalator."-brodie
136. i never use mouthwash because i can never figure out how to get the cap undone. for some reason youre suppose to squeeze in the sides and turn, and i just cant do that.
137. one of my favorite songs is an irish drinking song entitled, "Nell Flaherty's Drake," and its about nell flaherty's drake which has been killed. (a drake is a male duck.) the song goes on to curse the hoodlum, and the different curses placed on the murderer are hilarious. here is one of the verses:
---may his pig never grunt, may his cat never hunt/may a ghost ever haunt him at dead of the night;/may his hen never lay, may his ass never bray/may his goat fly away like an old paper kite/that the flies and the fleas may the wretch ever tease,/and the piercing north breeze make him shiver and shake,/may a lump of a stick raise bumps fast and thick/on the monster that murdered Nell Flaherty's drake.
138. the separate world idea of the blog freaks me out sometimes...but then i figured i could use it to build up a vast power structure to form the base of my attempt to take over the world, so im ok with it now.
139. i should have failed out of high school math, but the teacher liked me so he passed me with a D-.
140. i have seen the horrible atrocities that have been carried out by the IRA, but for some reason i cant stop thinking that if i was in their position i would resort to violence as well. i wish i wouldnt, but i cant stop thinking how i would react when the govt shot my mother, or cousin, or brother, or friend, and i would probably react out of hatred and want nothing but to bring vengeance upon those who caused me pain. i have a lot of sympathy for liberty gospel followers.
141. sometimes when im around a microwave i cover myself up, because thats what the doctors do when they xray you. i dont want any future generations to be born with one of their arms sprouting out of their forehead. funny thing is i dont even understand how microwaves work.
142. when i do my work i like to do it as perfect as possible...its just getting around to doing my work that i have problems with.
143. i would like to get zoe tatooed across my left wrist, only zoe would be in greek, so looks more like ZWH. it means life, and its kind of a part of my covenant with yhwh
144. i have also thought of getting irish art tatoos, mainly of different animals, like a hound, a salmon, a phoenix...though i may wait and have them represent my children
145. in the past i have driven incredibly fast at all times. i did this because driving fast was a thrill. but this summer when i worked in gridley i got burned out on driving fast and have learned to take advantage of my time driving in the car.
146. i love mr t, but i feel sorry for him because its pathetic that hes still stuck in the A team
147. i decided not to run for president of the student body next year, but i promised ian that if i won through write ins that i would take the job.
148. ive always wondered why goldfish crackers are always smiling, since im going to eat them soon. i wouldnt think that would be a pleasant ordeal.
149. ive been relatively poor my entire life, however ive never really known it.
150. when i get married, i hope that my wife is able to keep the money in order because i cant even keep my measly checking account in order.

sean

can you feel your heart beat racing

2005-03-21T23:26:00.000-08:00

can you taste the fear in her sweat~a boy brushed red...living in-underoath

i dont think that you can think about the world and not come away either completely depressed or pissed off or confused. actually probably all three. specifically about the allotment of fortunes in life. why do i get to be raised in the US while another boy my age is scrambling darfur just trying to find a meal for the day. why do i get to be perfectly healthy, while others get have a hard time sitting up in bed. why are some children stillborn, while a room over the child is happy and healthy. what a random lot. i know that i have been a staunch supporter of free will, even open theism, but i still dont understand how these physical evils are justified in the eyes of god. there is no solace in the fact that jimbe is starving in darfur, because government douchbags are trying to kill off part of the population.

When will justice come o lord. the eyes of the blind cannot see. the bodies of the poor are not clothed. the afflictions of the sick are not healed. and they continue to persist in this day after day. grant them, father, your mercy, grant them your grace, grant them hope. if hope does not come from you, then where will they find it. it is in your promises of healing, of clothing, of feeding that they continue on. and yet they are ravaged by the world, while hope slowly dims. grant us your kingdom here on earth, we have waited for so long.

be with chester, he is in the hospital. i want nothing more than for him to be healed. your will be done.
sean

your grandad left home for circus

2005-03-20T23:10:00.000-08:00

he was young just like me with hope to explore~walking by-something corporate

My Muse's Nudge

Come muse I need your gentle nudge

A guiding hand to reveal my work

So far removed from my life

I thirst for your voice

A brush against your skin

To arouse the words from my pen

A passion inspired by the stroke of your lips

Just a single blessing so I may commend you

i have had few brilliant thoughts as of late, much has just been focused on the breath i am taking in that moment. there is no reason for this presence in the present but i have had trouble looking toward the past or the future or the realm of the theoretical. i am beginning to realize the struggles and joys that are around me every moment in the form of people and how i must be present to interact with them. i have for such a long time claimed that relationship is the end all be all of life, the very meaning for existence, but it is just beginning to sink in how correct that assumption might be. we all desire so greatly to be at such great heights in a place where there is no pain or suffering, where we will be free from it all to look down and see everything as perfect. but its not going to happen. our desire to escape is so great, we miss out on the fact that this is our existence, that going to mcds at 130 in the morning for 50 cent cheesburgers with 4 friends is the pinnacle of existence, just like throwing the frisbee is, or playing the which is better game at supper with a table full of friends. we do have little, but in another sense we have so much, and oftentimes we overlook our blessedness.

i have also begun to think of the gospel in a more simplified form, trying to get at the very essence of christ in order that i may be more able to understand it. oftentimes i think that we focus too much on the appendages of the gospel that we forget about the heart of the matter. who cares whether you see the sacraments transubstantially or consubstantially if you do not understand the love behind it, or extend the grace to others as what christ is extending to you through the sacrament. all that philosophy is in vain if you do not get the heart. its like worrying about stepping in a puddle when there is an ocean in front of you that you must cross.

this is not fully fleshed out, but it is all i have to say at the moment

sean

dont let me walk away from emaline

2005-03-19T23:46:00.000-08:00

for stupid reasons~emaline-ben folds

i had the interview at 1130 today with the board. i must say that i had them eating out of my hand. haha. not really. joe culumber is on the board, so when the interviewers were introducing themselves instead of saying, "hi my names joe culumber," he asked me who my favorite professor was in an attempt to tease me. he thought full well that i would answer him, so i acted like i was thinking and said ruth huston, acted like i shot him with my fingers and said shot down. everyone erupted into laughter, which i guess was a good first impression. after that the teasing kind of shifted from me to joe, so he got the brunt of their jokes which set me at ease. as i expected they asked me to share my faith journey, and i brought my exodus project from pentateuch. its a lot easier to explain by reading that than it is to try to stumble through it. they all seemed rather touched that i was honest with them, and rob kirkham started weeping. i was incredibly touched by it. this of course brought up the fact that my depression might interfere with my ability to serve the body as a minister, but they seemed to come to a consensus that i would be ok. they are unable to grant me the conference ministerial candidacy as i was interviewing for because i havent taken a free methodist history and methods course. i need to talk to dr joe about that to see if i can get it done. even better than that, rob kirkham offered me an internship at the rushville church that i had wanted, and even better he asked me how much i would need for college the next year. i think he is going to ask his trustees to pay me for the intership, though i shouldnt get my hopes up. i really want to have rob as a mentor, ive known him forever, and he truly seems to understand what ministry is. the love that he has for his people is evident, and the fact that they love him is clear as well. then after that bruce cromwell took tyler and i out for lunch at ethans place, which i had never been to before and we each got the horseshoe. that was the most amazing thing i have ever encountered. instead of the normal ham on a bun with cheese dripped over it, the ethans place one started with a couple pieces of bread on the bottom with a patty of hamburger about 2 inches thick and as big as your head on top of that, with a layer of cheese, covered with a layer of chili, covered with a layer of fries and another layer of cheese. i was only able to eat about 3/4 of it, and im still full from it. ive felt like ive been carrying around a baby the entire day, because this brick of food is just sitting in my stomach unable to be digested by the stomach acids. but you know i would do it again if given the choice despite all the punishment.
thank you father for blessing me today. i have been able to spend it some of the people i care about the most.
sean

watch the sunrise

2005-03-18T21:38:00.000-08:00

say your goodbyes, off you go~secret-maroon 5

so kansas lost...to bucknell. bucknell is one of those schools that you dont actually know where it is. bucknell is a school that has a mascot that even the commentators forget, (its the bison in case you forgot or never knew.) bucknell is a team that is in a conference that had never won a march madness game. by that i mean that not only had they never won, but none of the teams they play have actually won in the tournament. bucknell is a team that wasnt supposed to beat more than 8 or 9 of the other horrible teams in the tournament, and those games were to have been close. and they beat kansas, my glorious kansas, bending them over their knee like a misbehaving child and spanking the living daylights out of them. sure the game was close, but kansas was never in the game. the only person on kansas that seemed to want to be playing was wayne simien, though michael lee hustled hard as always. time after time everyone on kansas passed on wideopen shots to pass the ball into a quadruple teamed wayne simien. and there is only so much a man can do when he is fouled every time he gets the ball, even the brilliant wayne simien. for a team that had 4 starting seniors playing in their last game, most of them seemed like they had all the time in the world. they did not hustle. they did not pass well. they did not run any resemblance to an offense that ive seen, or guard any player that wouldnt wander within 2 or 3 feet of them. they trudged up and down the court hoping that bucknell would lose the game themselves. an underdog in the tournament wont do that. though i can never not love kansas, i will admit that i am completely and utterly ashamed of their preformance. here i was watching the game screaming at the tv, cursing the basketball gods and the referees, and seeing the players halfass their way on the court. thinking that they deserved to win, so they would, and in the end this came back to bite them and me. this was even more disappointing than when the kansas team with raef lafrentz, jacque vaughn, and scott pollard lost to rhode island in the second round. but you know, maybe next year.

tomorrows the big day. ive got my interview with the meg board at 1130 at the conference office. i dont like to let events make decisions for me, but i think the outcome of this meeting will decide what i head into following college. if they approve me to be a conference ministerial candidate i will more than likely take that as a sign and become a pastor. if they dont like what they hear, then i think that means that the community has spoken and i will move on to another field, perhaps teaching or working in a museum. i dont really plan on looking to other conferences or denominations to become accepted. kinda seems that action would be more self seeking and just me trying to get my way. on the plus side they moved it to 1130, and tyler thinks that they did that because they may have already considered and approved me. he didnt think they would do that if they had their doubts, which he also said means they wont really grill me all that hard. so hopefully. im going to wear my suit again, but i cant find my shoes. so either i left them in the car or at home. if i left it at home it means suit and sandals again, which i dont know how well it would go over. pray for me
sean

my brains repeating

2005-03-16T23:01:00.000-08:00

if youve got an impulse let it out~the sound of settling-death cab

so i was suppose to go to lincolns tomb today for historical methods. ian, wilding, and danny were to accompany me. but we stopped in the mcdonalds in hillsboro on the way there and we definitely didnt make it to springfield. we decided to come back to greenville, and on the way back we stopped at the observatory. i had never been out there, but its amazing. 26 acres of woodland goodness, far better than the gullies. the same creek that runs next to 127 goes all the way out there, and is just as deep if not deeper, so i may go swimming sometime soon. i waded today, which made me happy as it always does. i think it might be my favorite thing to do. just to kick my feet in the sand and splash in the water until i can no longer feel them. i also enjoy skipping rocks. i didnt do too well today, except for one. it skipped 17 times before it hit the bank.
it made me want to go out and buy about 200 acres of woodland and just live on it. to build a cabin and clear a meadow to plant a big garden and then use the rest to hunt and fish. justin and i want to make a hunter/gathering society. though he said he'd refuse to leave his cd player behind. i was wondering if people would pay for like a week in the wilderness, to live as a hunter gatherer. that would be awesome

Murder of a Rose
emeralds quiver
blood drops fall as hands grab hold
her slender neck snaps

come down theyll say

2005-03-15T22:20:00.000-08:00

but everything looks perfect from far away~such great heights-iron and wine (cover of postal service

today i took a test that is supposed to rate you on what area of the political spectrum you lie. i took it when i woke up this morning and agreed mainly with libertarians. however after i had been going awhile and putting up with people i took it again and was definitely a fascist. not a nazi, that was one of the choices, but a fascist, much in line with bernito mussolini. talk about both sides of the spectrum. i think my politics change with my moods. my greatest fear politically is a government which is powerful, one which abuses its people and refuses them their rights. i desire government to be local, perhaps even tribal, so it cant become a leviathan like hobbes predicts all govts will attempt to do and trample the rights of the people it is to serve, like myself. but then i have to interact with people and i lose a great deal of hope in mankind. i mean i tend to be pretty lenient and try to grant people the benefit of the doubt at all times, but so many people just dont seem to know what will not only benefit themselves but the community at large. we all pursue things which ultimately hurt us, which give us nothing of value, or which destroy us. i dont know if we do this out of ignorance or apathy, but sometimes i wonder if it would be better if we were restricted in our decision making, if the government was given the authority to keep people from doing that which is harmful to themselves and others. of course the leader or leaders would have to be incredibly wise, upright, and compassionate which is hard to find in one person, especially when given power. but sometimes i just wish i could impose my will on others, because i think they would be better off.

let me lose myself in you gazing in your eyes/set free as the geese against october skies/all my fears dissipate when you take my hand to fly/let me lose myself in you tonight...let my lose lose myself in you run my finger through your hair/tiny rays of sunshine floating through the air/in this golden waterfall my soul is ensnared/let me lose myself in you tonight...let me lose myelf in you carressing your lips/a gentle drawing as a tugboat with a ship/in that moment the world is eclipsed/let me lose myself in you tonight...let me lose myself in you my arms encircle your waist/two planets revolving our existence interlaced/gravity overcoming all time is displaced/let me lose myself in you tonight
sean

sleep now sweet princess

2005-03-14T21:57:00.000-08:00

ill cheer for you silently and carefully not to disturb you~when paula sparks-copeland

iam worn beyond belief. like the butt of my jeans, just stretched and scraped and rubbed for so long they are too thin to even keep out the wind. im not saying im like the ass of my pants, though some would say so, but i feel as if im shutting down. i try to carry everything on myself, thinking im a superman, but im not. even i have my limits, and im just wondering if i am hitting them. im failing 2 classes. its nobody's fault but my own. hpr and math. the two easiest classes ive taken, but 2 ive put off. so tomorrow or the next ive got to go talk to neumann. kind of weird, neither norm or joe seemed to care how i was doing in my classes. its a big change to go to neumann who watches you like a hawk. kind of hard to take since im so use to have no one looking over my shoulder. never liked that feeling, but sometimes i think i need it. on top of it all ive got the meeting with the board this weekend. a part of me just wants to blow it off and screw being a pastor. and that would definitely screw it. bilbo said that he felt he was like butter scraped over too much bread. such a beautiful visual.
on a different note, ian did a tribute speech to me for his com class, and showed me the videotape this evening. i was incredibly flattered, almost felt embarrassed listening to it. i didnt know how to respond. his speech outline focused on my special powers, like eating horribly and keeping in shape, studying twice a semester and listening. pip did one on me earlier this year, but i didnt get to hear it. speaking of pip, he told me last night that he signed up for the army national guard last week. he will be going off this summer to go to boot camp. i guess they can do it the summer between their junior and senior years in high school. hes told me that he was going to do it for years, but somehow i never figured he'd actually do it. so it was kinda surprising. im not sure how well hed do in the field, hating pain or anything that resembles work. i wanted him to come visit gville, but i dont think he has the desire or devotion to do 4 more years of school. i worry about him, i dontwant him to get shipped a year from now and never see him again.
be with her, bless her mind especially. let her see the benefit of help.touch me, i am falling and have nothing to catch me if i slip through the cracks.
sean

god is love and love is real

2005-03-13T22:51:00.000-08:00

but the dead are dancin with the dead~the soviet-mewithoutyou

this weekend was a lot of fun. i went with ian chester and randy to indy to visit some friends of ians. theyre orthodox, orthodorks as they refer to themselves, and this weekend was the beginning of orthodox lent, so we got to go to a couple of services. their style of worship was so incredibly different from what im use to. first off you stand the entire service so my legs were aching, but the coolest thing was that everything was sung. the scripture, the liturgy, the prayers. everything but the homily this morning. everything is an attempt to attempt to bring us to heaven during the service. from the burning of the incense to the chanting to the golden saints everything is to create the throneroom of the father. and there were moments today when i felt as if i was there, singing alleluia. i guess its hard to explain.

i dont know if they want everyone to know, but josh and michelle are now dating. josh is really trying to take his time and do things right. i find that to be incredibly admirable. he really doesnt want to mess it up, and i think he is doing a wonderful job. guys should follow his example, he treats her with so much respect. so bravo josh.
continue to bless her father. she is making progress, but i am still frightened. do not let her come to harm, and show her grace and love.
sean

i wish it was last september

2005-03-10T00:02:00.000-08:00

when we could lose ourselves in crowds everyday~emaline-ben folds

out of the depths i cry to you o lord. lord hear my voice. let your ears be attentive to the voice of my supplications. if you, o lord should mark my iniquities, lord who could stand? but there is forgiveness with you, so that you may be revered.
i wait for the lord, my soul waits, and in his Word i hope, my soul waits for the lord more than those who watch for the morning, more than those who watch for the morning. o israel, hope in the lord. for with the lord there is steadfast love, and with him is great power to redeem. it is he who will redeem us.

how can you stand by and watch as your child writhes in agony? what kind of god do i follow, who allows his child no hope, drowning in a desert. i guess im just not wise enough to see the point, but i do know their feelings, and would wish it upon no one. allow them grace and hope. and if someone must suffer, dont let it be her, let it pass to a different vessel. save them father, i cant do it.
sean

we were contenders

2005-03-06T22:39:00.000-08:00

now we're thowin the fight~okay i believe you, but...-brand new

i am heaven sent. dont you dare forget. i am all youve ever wanted, what all the other boys all promised. sorry i told, i just needed you to know. i think in decimals and dollars. i am the cause of all your problems, your shelter from cold. we are never alone. coordinate brain to mouth, then ask me what its like to have my self so figured out. i wish i knew.

i spent most the afternoon with ian today, and i must say i had a wonderful time. we went to the gullies, finally able to take a walk this semester. apparently louis has been building arches made of fallen trees back in the gullies as part of a natural art project, and they were really cool. he has one that is about 12 feet tall over the trail. somebody must have bought the woods right next to where the gullies end, because stuff has really been cleaned up. theres even been trails built up the hill big enough for a car to go up. i wonder if they want to build a house up there. that would be a wonderful view. we ended up going to the creek, followed up by dq. its always good to talk to ian, he really wants to know you. to listen to you, not just waiting for the next time he can say something. which i cant say for most people. we had some long silences, and thats when you know you have something good. im gonna miss him next semester.

i have a lot to say, thoughts i have been going over lately but i dont feel the need to share them at the present moment. poor yous.
sean

she dreams that he'll come by the store

2005-03-04T14:21:00.000-08:00

she prays for days but boys mean shes protected~i want to save you-something corporate

i wrote this haiku in 10 seconds during eastern civilization for my project of the day...

Cornflower blue dress

The folds flapping in the breeze

Locust are calling

im not saying its the best, but i thought it was good for no planning. joes was pretty funny too. he was making fun of the fact that charity's family is from arkansas, so he wrote

girl in arkansas

she meets her second cousin

wedding bells sound off

definitely hilarious. but now hes in the dog house.

sean

next door theres an old man

2005-03-04T00:50:00.000-08:00

who lived to his nineties and passed away in his sleep. and his wife she stayed for a couple of days and passed away.~the luckiest-ben folds

historical methods at 830. biggest waste of an hour of sleep i have ever found, and ive just been playing computer games for the past 6 hours. trust me i know how to waste a couple hours. i lovedr huston. he is probably the kindest man ive ever met, truly a man of god. hes got the best intentions in the world, but as they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions, and that class surely is hell. ive taken 39 credits worth of history, and i have to spend an entire semester learning how to write a history paper. maybe that would have been helpful my freshman semester, but nope, i gotta take it now. on top of that, everything learned in the class is learned outside of class by reading the text or in my case not reading the text, and class is just an hour worth of dr huston trying to find a way to waste the class period. although this is the first class ive taken where long awkward silences are daily occurences, so that is an interesting experience. but i rest my case, trying to convince myself that i should sleep in tomorrow, and i just might have done it.
sean

you have only been gone ten days

2005-03-02T13:49:00.000-08:00

but already im wasting away~i miss you-incubus

so i feel like crap right now. we had the window open last night like usual, but i think the cold air burned the lining of my sinus cavity as well as my throat. but on the plus side my voice is really gravelly and i am turning myself on. haha. have you ever seen someone rock out hardcore while sitting on a chair. chase is right now. very interesting. thrashing himself around on his chair while he is recording something. kinda cool, strange as well.
i just finished watching history of the world part one for the first time ever. another wonderful mel brooks movie. it was funny, but i dont know if i was really in the mood for it. halfway through i really just wanted to come back to the room. there were so many sexual innuendos throughout the entire movie. kinda funny, but they got old after awhile. so i think i might actually do a senior thesis next year. i want to do it on the IRA, and ian suggested that i compare the IRA and PLO, so ill probably steal his idea because it sounds interesting.
oh, i guess i didnt really give an update on my gpa. hes been out of the hospital for a week and a half. i saw him this past week at my aunt and uncles renewal ceremony. he looks really weak, and actually needed a walker. but the way my mom made it sound, it seemed like he was about to die in the hospital, so to see him actually up and around a week after is an answer to prayer. kinda weird that the people that we have looked up to for guidance and an example are going to die. here are these people that have been with us our entire lives, but the thought of them not being there isnt exactly an easy revelation to come to. i mean i understand the idea that im going to die, even embraced the idea at some points, but for my gpa not to be alive is not something i really want to experience. sucks, but i guess its just part of the natural order of things.
sean

older and wiser

2005-02-27T21:32:00.000-08:00

still filled with resentment~i am fred astaire-taking back sunday

i have had no desire this past couple weeks. no desire to see and interact with people or to even write in this stupid thing. i just wanted to climb in a hole or get the hell outta dodge. so i did for a little bit this weekend. my aunt and uncle renewed their vows. it was an answer to prayer, they had drawn up the divorce papers in december but decided to give counciling another shot and it seemed to work. i decided to dress up for the wedding thingy, so my mom set out a shirt and tie. i went digging through the closet and found one of my dads old 3 piece suits, and wore that. i dont think this very often, but i looked amazing. i actually looked at myself in the mirror, well looked myself in the eyes. i can never seem to do that. i was kinda proud for wearing a suit. it was the first time ever. i brought the suit with me so i can wear it to the meg board meeting.
but this weekend wasnt enough. i still want to get away. my dad criticized everything as usual. i normally just sit there and take it, say nothing mostly seem as if im ignoring it because that pisses him off more than if i were to actually react. im so passive aggressive. but he asked me where i go to church and i told him if i go i go to st pauls, and he chewed me out for that on friday night. trying to make me see the error of my ways, mainly for being too high church. i just took it that night. then he brought it up again on saturday on the way to the wedding and it pissed me off so i started telling him what i thought of it and he just kind of shut up about it. thank the lord.
i have no desire to go any farther in this
sean

and lie for fun

2005-02-13T23:38:00.000-08:00

and fake the way i hold you, let it fall for every empty word i say~me vs maradona vs elvis-brand new

saturday i found out my grandpa was taken to the ER. he had nose surgery earlier in the week to clear his nasal cavity because hes always had problems breathing through his nose, but since the surgery his stomach has been blowing up like a balloon. my mom said it looked like he was pregnant. they think his colon has shut down, and theyre not sure why. my mom was supposed to email me news today, but she hasnt. i dont know if i should take that as a good thing or bad. i almost drove back home today to go see him, but he'll make it i hope. hed want me to stay and do my studies. its hard for me to pray
heal him father
sean

when i was sinking down

2005-02-09T23:58:00.000-08:00

beneath gods righteous frown~wondrous love-cover by anathallo

today neumann tried to trap me. i think he was getting fed up with me not reading and wanted to teach me that i should. fortunately i had read the reading during math class because i was completely and utterly bored. so when we opened class, i was talking to joe and neumann was introducing the discussion, when out of nowhere he called on me to explain central keys to buddhism. he never calls on me unless he hears me muttering the answer under my breath or if i raise my hand. anyway, adaptability being my greatest strength, i started talking about the 4 tenents of buddhism, not really saying anything except that a buddhist should live a moral life. which nearly all religions and worldviews have. unfortunately being put on the spot i forgot the reasonings but someone else took over for me. this afternoon he emailed me and said, "Sean, I was impressed by your ability to answer a question when you were asked about it cold. Good job! Scott Neumann. i wrote him back, "dont worry, i read the buddhism handout. plus i didnt say anything that was really insightful. most worldviews/religions call for good moral actions from their adherents. sean" then he wrote me back this evening, "so, if it had been a discussion of satanism, you would have been out of luck." to which i replied, "actually, a number of people have stressed to me how much i resemble satan to them, so id prolly have that covered too." i think that is one heck of a conversation to have with your prof, and i would just like to stress that it can only happen at greenville. such a lovely place. gnight
sean

god is love and love is real

2005-02-09T00:05:00.000-08:00

but the dead are dancing with the dead~the soviet-mewithoutyou

ummm...i choked on popcorn about an hour ago. yet more proof that i suck at life, or at least that my body wants to kill itself. i cant even eat a pourous, fluffy object which will melt in your mouth and that you could prolly suck air through if you wanted. but i choked on it, and i think there might still be some stuck because it kinda feels like it. i thought about making a list of reasons i suck at life, but i figured itd prolly be too depressing. funniest thing was that chase didnt even notice me gagging and coughing and sputtering. good thing i dont have a bounty on my head. the assassins could be choking me to death while i flail about and chase would be stuck in whatever book he was reading. id like to stage that actually, but id end up dying by accident before chase found out.

last night i went to pokies. it was a weird group to go to pokies with. me and randy go all the time together, and ive been with joe, but megan and koji went to. and id have to say that it was probably the most fun ive had there. i think it was mainly the ride there and back, but thats just part of the experience. we didnt think we were going to be able to fit 6 of us into megans car, so joe volunteered to ride in the trunk before i could. actually i volunteered first, but for complicated circumstances which i am still oblivious to, it was decided that he should ride in the trunk. anyways, as we were riding around looking for annie who was supposed to go with us, we ran across some gc students heading to kinney. enoch was one of them, and the other two were transfers. we stopped at the stopsign and joe jumped out of the trunk. i chased him down and wrestled him to the car and randy stufffed him back in the trunk. all the while the transfers and enoch were just staring at us trying to figure out what was going on. id have to say it was a work of brilliance, and i am happy to say that i was part of it. next time we do it i want to tie joes hands behind his back and but a paper bag over his head. that would be hilarious.
gnight
sean

the take of, the taste of

2005-02-06T23:01:00.000-08:00

it use to be the reason to breathe and now its chokin me up, die young and save yourself~sic transit gloria...glory fades-brand new

i went for a walk today in the gullies after lunch. it was raining, so everything was kind of wet, but the trees stopped most of the rain from hitting me. i didnt stay in the gullies very long, i climbed up one of the hills to get into the cemetery and walked around a little bit. i looked at some of the stones, until this old couple started driving through. i went down the other side to go to the creek. i waded in the creek for a little bit, and was actually hoping to go swimming, but the water was way too cold. there wasnt any ice, but i could only keep my feet in for a couple minutes at a time, and thats saying a lot with my normally apathetic-to-cold body. there was a mussel shell in the shallow part of the water and i laid it on its back and followed it as it floated down the creek. kinda cool. i figured it would sink right away, but it didnt. then i ran back. even though i ran, a car still saw me. i always think that the owner of the land is going to catch me leaving and chew me out for trespassing, but its never happened.

chase is using a click right now while he is playing a guitar, and id have to say that it is probably the most annoying thing that i have heard for awhile. id almost take an alarm clock over it, in fact i prolly would at least i can drown out the alarm clock with my headphones. theres something about repeating noises that i cant stand, whether it be the click or the alarm clock, or even a wall clock that ticks ever so faintly, the noises have to variate or stop. i think the repetitave noises just draw my attention and its hard for me to concentrate on anything else. thats why ive always like voices in music far more than guitars or drums, it just is never the same.

i wrote lisa yesterday. i was rather proud of myself, taking the initiative to reach her. i havent talked to her since sept, and havent seen her since august. i actually wrote once before, but it was never responded to. i have a hard enough time as it is keeping in contact when the other person is writing or calling me, and so when theyre not i dont. thats how ive lost most of my good friends, just by not ever seeing or talking to them. gosh, i havent talked to mike or lunchbox or casey since the week after high school graduation, and we spent all of high school together. same for pip and tony too. i mean ive hung out with them since then, but were definitely not as close as we were. kinda weird how i lose sight of people when theyre not right in front of me. rather pathetic if you ask me. but i did write lisa, and so im proud of myself for the present moment.

i watched adaptation for the first time today. i really liked it, as usual with charlie kaufmann. definitely didnt see the attempted murder coming, but i liked the idea of writing himself into the movie. donny kaufmann said something in it that really caught me. he said, you are what you love, not what loves you. i cant decide if that is profound or not, it just struck me. i ended up not really watching the superbowl. i was kinda tired of people after not spending time with them for the past 72 hours, so my superbowl party attendance lasted about 10 minutes.
gnight
sean

i want a girl who will laugh for no one else

2005-02-04T23:05:00.000-08:00

when im away she puts her makeup on the shelf~no one else-weezer...im not actually very jealous...idont think so at least

ive been asked this question about 10 times in the last 24 hours...funny thing is ive only left my room for about 3 hours that whole time. the question is, if you were a girl, who would you want to date...as in which guy would i want to date. here is my top 5
5. Tim mohnkern
4. Josh Caddell
3. scott brandenburger
2. jacob eckeberger
1. nick prestemon

so its been a week since i wrote and theres been so much thats happened. haha, right. i did play diplomacy with the rest of the history geeks and had a lot of fun. i didnt win, but i played well. they couldnt kill me off, but i didnt want to drag it out any longer so i forfeited when it was clear i couldnt make a strong comback. it did point something out to me. i have a horrible time trusting anyone. the entire game is about building alliances to help you out, and i tried to do it alone. granted the people that i did try to ally myself attempted to backstab me a number of times, or just screwed me over by not following through with their promises, so my caution held some merit. but i also kinda think it was because i never really took the steps to further trust that kept alliances from happening. so i lost to neumann and ian on one team and their ally dave burton. so i lost to good players and am happy with my performance. i really want to play some more, and looked into playing by email but havent done it yet.

im gonna answer wildings questions
1 what makes you passionate about life... and how do you best express it
i hate this question, at least the first part of it. it makes me think of what are you going to do when you grow up little boy. my answer to that was, if i knew id be doing it. but theyre not really the same thing. what i am passionate about in life. i know i should answer jesus or god or some other sunday school answer, but the truth is theyre not. i know thats a horrible thing but its hard for me to identify with god or christ. i mean, i am sean allen, spiteful, sarcastic, demoralizing sean. and christ was none of those. but i seem to be able to identify more with people, specifically those that i care about. in them is where i find sparks of passion about this existence, in them i find hope and love and peace, and what other qualities would passion derive from. other things spark me as well. i like nature, mostly water, more specifically creeks. i like to wade in them, to feel my feet wet, freezing in the water. leaves float past on the current, spinning in the rapids. snow does it to me as well. windless nights where you can hear the snowflakes landing. stories make me passionate as well. i wish i could tell good stories, i am jealous of andy who can enthrall me with his escapades, no matter how little. plus history is just the stories of the past, and i love hearing or reading about it.
i think that i express my passion in complex ways which i cant even really express in words. it is there, i sense it, and i think others do sometimes, but i really dont know how i do it. i think i took the love language test and didnt score high in any of the categories. id say smile, but oftentimes i dont smile, and in those moments im no less passionate. perhaps i show it in my acts, but oftentimes i act apathetically or coldy, but i still am passionate. id say i say it, but i dont, my words are completely misleading most of the times. i think that i must not express it well, but it is there, hidden in the nature of my actions.

2. what do you aspire to be...What are your goals and life dreams, what keeps you moving, what do you seek to accomplish?
there is little that i desire or dream to do. i have moments of brilliance when i desire power or fame to leave a legacy for the entire world to remember, but most times now being one of them, i do not have that urge. i wish to live life well. to love and hate, to weep and rejoice, to pain and pleasure, to be young and grow old, to learn and forget, to die and rise. i dont know what it is that i exactly dream or aspire to be, but i want to be a person people care about and know they will be cared for. im sorry this isnt a very good answer, but ive realized that i dont know all the answers, even for me, and im beginning to be ok with that.

3.Thirdly, Why is it you can still beat me in Halo... Heh, maybe not that one... How about, why journal, or diary or blog whatever.
well, i beat you in halo because i am a god. worship me. haha. but i journal because it allows me to get out things, to organize my thoughts. ive got all these thoughts, well halfthoughts running around inside my head, and writing just helps me to get the together. no other way really seems to do that for me. not talking, not meditating, just writing. in this i begin to understand things about myself, about god, about things in general. and i like that understanding.
father, forgive me for i am a sinner, and yet you hear my prayer. bless us, your children, to reject our desire to wander, grant us grace and truth and love and hope to be our compass. be with andy in israel, and bekah in australia. i thank you for nick, i had missed him so much last semester. i thank you for the friendships of ian and joe, who sacrifice their time for me to encourage me. bless them
sean

taking the thoughts still prone to care

2005-01-28T08:29:00.000-08:00

making tea in your underwear~those to come-the shins

tomorrow the greenville college history geeks are joining up at prof neumann's house to play diplomacy. ive never played, and hadnt heard of it until neumann talked about it. it was jfk and kissinger's favorite game, so it cant be that bad. its supposed to take hours and hours. neumann set apart a block of time from 10am til midnight, and he said if the game isnt finished then, then were just quitting. seems kinda daunting. i dont think i have an attention span that will last that long.
this morning ian spoke during chapel, it was the student govt chapel and i introduced him. he asked me last night in the union. i fell on the ground and begged him not to ask me. i felt kinda rude turning that down, so i tried to get him to revoke it. he didnt. in the car ride to steak and shake i was thinking it over and decided that it was an honor, and not something that i should pass over on. so i did it. i sat up on the front with the other speakers in front of everything, and my stomach was butterflies looking out over them all. its kinda weird, i have 20/14 vision, so i can see about everything. but up there everybody kinda blurred together. the only 2 people i could really point out without focusing was aria because her blonde hair stuck out and enoch because the light kept flashing off his glasses. in all actuality im making this a big deal when its absolutely nothing. i got up in front of people and talked for maybe 15 seconds tops, and then sat down. its just i would never have done this at any other time i dont believe. i hate speaking in front of people, even at my church of 25 people who practically raised me, my voice quivers when i read scripture. this just seemed like a big step to me.

anonymous (katie)- asked me 3 questions, and like promised, i will answer them
1) Out of all the struggles God gives his people, what has been your ultimate battle?
first of all, i dont know if god really gives his people struggles. sounds kinda like that god is torturing us by making our lives horrible. but i know what u were getting at, god allowing us to struggle, either because of free will or some other reasoning. my greatest struggle has been accepting the love and grace of christ. i am an incredibly individualistic person, very private and separate from people. this probably comes from being incredibly proud, which makes accepting anything from anyone a tough thing for me to do. ive always tried to be the rock, the one whos together so others could rely on me for strength, so others would find rest in me. but im not the christ, im not god and cant be a savior. breaking down and admitting that i cant save myself is incredibly hard, and i dont think i can really say that i have completely. of course this is my own arrogant self's fault, but its just made everything else harder, and i believe is the spawning point of many of my problems.

2) Impatience is the catalyst for all evil. Discuss. (Obviously taken from chapel on Wednesday morning)
well, i wasnt there for chapel on wednesday. well i was there until about 30 seconds before it started, then i left. i just didnt feel like being there. plus its kinda tradition for me not to go the first chapel of the year. going back to the idea, i dont know exactly what vinny jimmy mannoia was focusing on, but i think that there is some truth to this statement. oftentimes evils that occur are the result of somebody rushing into a situation without thinking it over or looking at sides. when we are confronted with temptation, many times we react to it, where if we would have just waited and thought it over for a minute or two, we never would have done what we did. i doubt this is what pres mannoia was focusing on, but id like to hear what his thoughts were.

3) Is tolerance something to be valued, or as Christians, are we required to be intolerant of sin? The line between these, to me, is feeble at best. Where should one draw the line?

thats a good question, and i hope i have a satisfactory response. my mom had a saying, hate the sin and love the sinner, which seems to be the great evangelical mantra. i hate the saying. in fact it is one of my most hated phrases. there seems to be a certain tone of arrogance and condemnation with it, ascerting your holiness and overall goodness by feigning a love for a person. it pushes your authority on others, empowers you over them by attempting to make them a holy person as well. enough with the quote.
what is intolerance of sin. is it your desire to be holy and blameless by not doing certain things. is it when you try to convince someone else they are sinning, or to treat someone with contempt when they have failed. if there is anything ive learned in life, its that i am not perfect. it is that i have failed at following the example of christ time and time again, and that im pretty sure i will fail again, and probably soon.
christ was god, having the very nature of god, and so all christs actions were the actions of god. and i find it funny how most of christs actions werent that he was condemning the sin of those who were the sinners. in fact, most oftentimes, the only sins he did point out were the sins of the religious, those who thought they were sinless. those who were "horribly evil", the prostitutes, the tax collectors, the drunks, werent despised by christ, not even condemned. they were treated with the utmost respect and grace. he accepted who they were and where they were, and showed them love. whether this was tolerance, idont know. all i know is that if christ chose to show love, instead of condemn, who am i to judge someone when i myself am a recepient of that grace. i must show love. i must accept flaws and failures. i must treat all with grace and respect above all else. i am not the judge, nor will i ever be, despite my actions pointing otherwise. i as christians, we should be more understanding and tolerant of sin than we should be condemning and hating of the sin. when people want to overcome flaws, we should do everything to help them. and inside the church, you should be mindful of your brothers and sisters sins, to keep them accountable. but dont be the judge. it is not our call. instead preach the gospel of love through your life.
sean

taxied out of the storm

2005-01-26T23:18:00.000-08:00

to watch you perform and the ships were sailing~i remember-damien rice

today was the first day of second semester and im not really looking forward to this one. not that it should be hard, im only taking 16 hours and only two or three of the classes are upper division. nothing like last semester, 19.5 credits with 18 of them being upper division and 9 being writing intensive. but last semester was my favorite one by far, both gradewise and enjoyment. i guess it was because i was challenged, and was actually forced to think. i grew more last semester i think than ever before in my life. nothing really amazing happened, i just seem to have grown up a little...finally. i am beginning to see something in myself, to understand myself a little better. i know that might sound weird, but i confuse myself on the subject of me a heck of a lot.

this past weekend i went home because of the break between interterm and 2nd semester and got to think on the drive there and back. kind of weird what i decided. im not really a future person. i dont know of when ive actually planned anything, but i got some ideas for things i would like to be able to do or have in my lifetime. after i graduate, i think that i am going to do americorp for a year with my brother before getting a job. i would like to spend some time with my brother, as well as to take a break from normal things. you leave for americorp in the beginning of october so that would leave me a good four months free. during at least part of that time i would like to hitchhike around america to see things i havent seen. while riding with the people who pick me up, i would do an informal interview to just get some of their stories, and then maybe write a book about the people that i come across on my journey. take their picture, just get to know them even just a little. i would like that. after americorp, i have no clue, but thats not the point.
later in life i would like to buy about 10 acres somewhere in the country. it would have a pretty good size creek running through it, and perhaps a little pond where i could go swimming or fish. one of the acres in the middle i would clear for a house, and another i would clear to plant a garden where i could grow vegetables. the rest i would like to keep wooded, and have a little gravel road that runs from the country road to my house. that may be my dream for the future. simple, but fulfilling.

ian brought me back some cookies from bekah's house. they were made by bekahs sister, rachel, i think. i can never remember her name. theyre butterscotch oatmeal, and i would like to say that they were amazing. i had joked that it wasnt fair that ian got all the baked goods AND all the women, so he must have asked her to make cookies for me. good old ian. he said i could have them for taking her sister to her prom...i said ok. id take out anyone who can bake cookies like those. i hope he was joking. kinda sucks that bekahs going to be gone for this semester. and to top that off, ians gonna be gone next semester. they wont get much time together for about a year. that would be incredibly hard, but if anyone can do it, itd be them. be with them.

please ask me 3 questions, i get bored having to write about my daily life.

oh and emma...i will be your friend. my aim is seal181 so talk to me

sean

still a little bit of your taste in my mouth

2005-01-19T21:37:00.000-08:00

still a little bit of you laced with my doubt~cannonball-damien rice-one of my many mancrushes

so we played floor hockey tonight, reminding me of high school pe. i, as we say, didnt do a lot. i kinda just stood there and hit the ball if it came around me. i justified my laziness on being a defensive player, although that is a load of bull. i hate defense, unless i dont have to do anything. anyway, i was able to convince chester to play at supper, and he was the mvp. no one could score on him, his wheelchair took up the entire goal. you had to roll the ball along the ground, without bouncing, to get it underneath him. i was very proud, like a proud papa. anyways this is gonna be short, because i have an 8 page paper to write that was due 10 hours ago and i havent started. i did think of a thesis for it...though a catastrophic failure, john browns raid on harpers ferry propagated fear and extremism in both the north and south, leading to the souths will and ability to seceed from the union. the bigger the words, the smarter i sound. thank goodness for the thesaurus.
sean

amie come sit on my wall

2005-01-17T00:10:00.000-08:00

and read me the story of all, and tell it like u still believe~amie-damien rice
johns been trying to get me to listen to him for weeks, if not months, but i had never taken the time to get it and listen to it. i am an idiot. this is probably the most beautiful album i have ever listened to, i mean its hard to call modern music as beautiful, especially rock if you call it rock, but this is. its like a modern symphony. music that takes you to the gates of heaven. every song is moving.

i watched eternal sunshine of the spotless mind for the first time. and i must say that i liked it quite a bit. i guessed the plot of the movie in the first 5 minutes though, but i still liked it a lot. charlie kaufmann is a genius, id still like to watch adaptation. i was really surprised how well jim carrey did. but he did do good in bruce almighty, so i guess i shouldnt have doubted him. i like how kaufmann is able to present crazy circumstances as realistic and present commentary on life through them. it brings the a sense of reality to the characters, and makes it seem to be ur life. he did that in being john malkovich.

we started discussing what was being commented on, and i of course am correct. truth is not a variable thing, i am laughing inside at my poke on postmodernism. poor me. most people seem to think that the movie is pointing to love and how it will find you in the end. how even though they were able to erase their memory of each other, they came to love each other in the end. kind of a fatalist approach to love. a romantic idea that there is someone out there who is the other half of you and love springs from that. i disagree with that entirely and came out with something completely opposite. joel came to love, love didnt come to him. love wasnt that joel and clementine were together. he characterizes this by saying talking isnt necessarily communicating. it was after they came back together that he stopped worshipping the idea of her and actually loved her. she wasnt on a pedastal anymore, she had her flaws, he saw them, knew more would come, but that was ok. love wasnt overlooking the wrongs of a person, it wasnt seeing them as perfect, but seeing them as they are and accepting, and going beyond that. i think that is what was being said about love, but it was being shown in both ways to make the differences between what society seems to think love is, and how pathetic that is. that goes with my idea that you can love anyone, some are easier, but love is your decision i guess. and i think its important social commentary, since we as a society tend to see love as something that will happen if we find the right person. and if we just marry the right person, then everything will be better because we will love. andits 430, so im going to bed

ill write you a song

2005-01-13T00:57:00.000-08:00

and it wont be hard to sing it will be a natural be a natural anthem~natural anthem-postal service

here is the rest of the list that i started earlier.

51. garden state is my favorite movie right now, though my old favorites such as fight club, old school, supertroopers, royal tannenbaums, and napolean dynamite are still up there. i think theres a lot to be learned from the movie.
52. ive had a crush on natalie portman for as long as i can remember. her portrayal of sam in garden state only strengthened it. i think every guy in the world would fall for sam, despite, and maybe because she was a pathological liar.
53. i am a pathological liar as well. you just have to trust me that these things are true, or close to it.
54. ive had a number of crushes but never done anything about them. one reason is because i wouldnt know what to do once we started dating. sounds stupid, but i really dont know what a couple is supposed to do, and that partly keeps me from dating.
55. ive never actually kissed anyone before. i did hold hands with a girl before. her name was lisa cunningham, and that happened over this past summer. that makes it sound as if i killed her. her name is lisa, and yes she is still alive.
56. i find such great heights and brand new colony by postal service to be two of the most romantic songs ive ever heard, as well as 2 of the most moving.
57. my favorite british quote is from a monty pythons flying circus episode. "youre a bloody looonie." it was funny the way he said it. i guess you just had to be there. sometimes when im driving by myself i practice saying it.
58. one time i didnt watch football so i could watch notting hill. i was by myself and didnt think anyone would ever find out.
59. i am incredibly impatient, but it is something i want to work on. i cant wait in a line without getting frustrated.
60. i have an incredibly dry sense of humor. so much so that it is flaking. haha?
61. ian's puns actually have the ability to piss me off. his bellringer joke gets me physically angry. i sometimes hate his sense of humor. but i cant help but love him.
62. my handwriting is worse than a 2nd graders. most people cant read it. sometimes i cant.
63. i sleep better during storms. ive also always wanted to be a tornado chaser.
64. my brother and i use to go to hardees to see how much surge we could drink after eating 2 double cheeseburgers. i drank 32 oz and ended up throwing up all over the bathroom. somehow i hit everything but the toilet. that was the last time i drank surge and the last time i threw up.
65. i hate driving with others. i would much rather be by myself. it allows myself time to think. i dont listen to the radio unless other people are with me, then i do it so i dont have to talk to them.
66. my halo name is saucy and always has been. some people call me it outside of playing halo, like in regular day life. i think theyre really big tools, though caleb doesnt make me think that and he does.
67. i like playing darts, but i really suck at them. buzz said id be better if i had a couple drinks in me.
68. ive never drank. well i took communion at an episcopalian church and they used wine, but i dont really count jesus' blood as alcohol. though if that was jesus blood he'd be drunk 24/7...thank u family guy.
69. family guy is my favorite show. ive gotten a lot of my consideration for others from it.
70. ive had an eclectic group of friends through my life, and i cant figure out what draws me to them or them to me. tony and pip have been lifelong. tony is a brilliant black brother who has always been talented, but never had any ambition until the past year or two. pip is 4 years younger than me and a redneck. in hs i spent time with the slackers/potheads, and was the odd man out. i also had the priveledge of spending time with 3 gorgeous ladies, anna, ash and laura. here at greenville the mix isnt any differnt. john, joe, danny, nick, wilding, ian, chester, etc...arent incredibly alike. i think our awkwardness is what might do it. i think all these people have been my friends because they accepted me.
71. i know my mind is never really blank like i claim, but most the time i dont know what im thinking.
72. i dont tend to go out of my way to please people. i dont really mind if you hate me.
73. i almost got involvedwith a girl named rachel, who was the cousin of a friend of mine. i thought she was trying to go too fast and things fell apart. i later found out she was a model, her father was a multimillionaire, and she was really cool. (everything im looking for in a girl...rich, beautiful, and sweet) i cannot lie and say i havent kicked myself over it.
74. i love reading legends and myths, my favorite being irish and welsh. the stories are incredibly entertaining, drawing you in. my favorite character is Cuchulainn, and i also like Finn and the Fiana.
75. i want to name my son ethan stanley and my daughter, dierdre maeve
76. i suffer from depression. i took zoloft for about 2 weeks, but didnt like that it seemed to dull everything, both good and bad, so i quit taking it. my doctor thinks i just got off of it about a month ago.
77. i planned my suicide my freshman year in college. i never went through with it. i experienced the grace and love of christ, and vowed i wouldnt do it.that is my exodus and my mt. sinai. im still wandering in the desert waiting to cross into the promised land.
78. i have a hard time letting people inside of myself, so most people dont know me that well, even my best friends.
79. there use to be a phoenix literary society here at greenville. it was more like a social club than a literary society. john and i would like to set it back up. the old photos of it make it look like a cult. sorry, invite only.
80. i do like dashboard, particularly the places you have come to fear the most...but i dont cry listening to it.
81. this summer when listening to jodi's story i cried tears of rage, but besides that i havent cried since the 8th grade when my dad stopped being a pastor and the congregation said goodbye.
82. i dont fill my cups up all the way, usually half to 2/3. it keeps the pop cold without ice, and allows me to have a reason to get up and walk around. i get ansty sitting down, but i dont show it usually.
83. yes...i say pop.
84. my favorite freshmen are josh caddell and john brownhill...2 amazing guys, so u should get to know them.
85. this years freshman honors cult actually freaks me out a little. they are together constantly. funny thing was my freshman honors group was like that, and i was friends with them.
86. i wrote a review of the second harry potter my freshman year for the papyrus. i gave it a 3 and a half stars out of 5, but a misprint made it say 1 and a half. people actually emailed me and told me they thought i was stupid for giving it 1 and a half.
87. i think i could consider john to be my best friend.
88. danny mcmaken makes me laugh more than anyone ive ever met. and the funniest part about it, is that he doesnt mean to.
89. joe reminds me of myself a lot...sometimes i have to remind myself that we arent the same person.
90. in my point of view, kip made napolean dynamite, not napolean.
91. i have seriously considered quitting college each semester, but im always happy to have come back.
92. i thought about becoming a franciscan monk, but decided against it because im not catholic and i would like to have a wife and kids in the future.
93. i use to not take many pictures because i didnt want to waste film. now i have a digital camera, but i still use that excuse in my head.
94. i dont set my alarm on even times like 930 or 845. i usually do it at 927. i dont know why, but it makes me feel like im either getting more sleep or waking up early.
95. i hate soft pillows. mine have to be thick and solid, or else i cant sleep.
96. i drink apple juice when i want to feel healthy.
97. i use to roller skate in my basement, and i would like to roller skate again.
98. over walkabout the other people in ur group give you names. i was given warrior, fighter, leader, rock, and shippy said i was bane from batman. i dont think of myself as that great of a leader.
99. i love wearing sandals, and would wear them in the snow if they hadnt of broken. i like my moccasins, but they make my feet smell. i should prolly wear socks with them, but i hate socks.
100. i am the illuminati and have come to take over the world.

how can u just walk away from me

2005-01-11T23:05:00.000-08:00

when all i can do is watch u leave...cause we shared the laughter and the pain~against all odds-postal service

so john compiled a list of 100 things u may or may not have known about him. im feeling like crap and dont want to leave the room, so i am going to do the same thing.

1. My full name is Sean Christopher Allen
2. If i was a girl my name was suppose to be Rachel, and i dont know what the middle name was going to be
3. my dad was a pastor for the first 14 years of my life, now he works as a social worker for the salvation army
4. ive lived in 5 towns and 7 houses and 2 dorms...and i consider normal my hometown, while i consider the normal parsonage and janssen hall my home
5. fergis, where i lived from 4-7, wasnt really a town but a collection of about 10 houses...so ive lived in 4 towns and 1 place
6. my mom worked at restaurants for most of the time i was in school...hardees, county fair, and lox stock. she now works at state farm.
7. my parents names are thomas patrick and kristen lee. hauser is her maiden name
8. my grandfather, august albert allen, got cancer when i was 7. i remember laying in bed weeping and praying that god would heal him. god didnt. i hardly even knew my grandfather. that was around easter, he died in june.
9. ive always shared a room with my brother. we shared a bed until i was 8, it was a big deal when we finally got our own beds. i got batman sheets.
10. my brother's name is joel michael allen...his stripper name (middle name and street name) is mike hunt.
11. my brother is in california doing americorps. he is 2 years younger than me, but thoroughly humbles me because of his compassion for the poor and minorities.
12. my pet peeve is people talking down to me...my dad and grandma hauser do it constantly.
13. my grandpa (hauser) and i are incredibly similar. if you look at our senior pictures from high school you can only tell whos who by the hair. we are both introspective and love history. he is my hero.
14. my grandpa never made a lot of money, or had a great job, he was head of maintenance at a childrens home, but he is the richest man ill ever know. people treat him with more respect than anyone ive ever met.
15. my real grandma hauser died when my mom was 12. my mom had to do a lot of the cooking and cleaning for a couple years until my grandpa remarried. her name was Leann Roth. and she died in a car accident on the way home from vacation bible school.
16. i hope to live in my grandparents house, which is in gridley IL, later in life
17. i drink a lot of dr. pepper...and little else
18. i have perfected my own drink, "sex in a cup," which is a combination of 3/4 a cup of code red mt. dew, a touch of orange juice, and fill the rest with vanilla ice cream. stir until ice cream is completely melted in drink, then sip through a straw.
19. DC pizza is the last resort for me...luckily ive only had to resort to it 2 times this year.
20. im the most unhealthy person in the world, but u wouldnt know it looking at me.
21. i cant remember the last time i exercised
22. i enjoy ultimate frisbee
23. soccer use to be my favorite sport, but i couldnt stand most of the people-soccer douches
24. i was labeled "ronaldino"-little ronaldo- by pedro and raphael who i played soccer with. they were from brazil. i got the nickname for my ability to score. but it was them who got me most of the goals with their passing.
25. my favorite number is 18. im not really sure why, but its always been my number.
26. blue is my favorite color. actually cerulean, but i sound like a nancy when i say that.
27. i have a blankie. its yellow. i slept with it until i was a junior in high school. sometimes i still sleep with it when i visit home.
28. at school i sleep on the couch, at home i sleep on the floor in the basement. im not a big fan of beds.
29. everyone once in a while i pass out for no good reason. my mom thinks its cuz ive had a number of concussions. i can count 4 or 5 concussions, but ive never gone to the hospital for them. my proudest one was when i was playing football at camp in the midst of a bunch of trees. i caught the ball, turned into the tree, and knocked myself unconscious. i held onto the ball even when i was unconscious.
30. ive broken 3 bones in my left arm/hand, and none others, (perhaps my nose). i hate going to the hospital so i always wait a day or so, except when i broke the arm, because it was obviously broken.
31. the littlest bone i broke, the scaphoid, is the one that required surgery. kind of ironic.
32. i only have 2 cool scars that are noticable. on my right kneecap i hit my leg on the diving board and then went out and playedbasketball. i didnt want to go to the hospital, so i didnt get stiches. the other one is from the surgery. i purposely didnt use aloe so it would end up looking cool.
33. ive never been squeamish with blood or needles or anything. i use to want to do the blood brother with my friends tony and pip, but neither of them wanted to.
34. from 4th to 6th grade tony came to my house ever day after school to play, and joel and i would go to his house on the weekend. after we got into jr high he stopped, and we havent been that close since.
35. my favorite picture of myself is one my aunt rhonda took of me in which im throwing a rock into a lake. i was about 7 or 8.
36. my little cousin, daniel, and i get along really well. he is 8, but not very big into sports. dan is reading at a 6 or 7th grade level, and loves learning about history and geography. he loves the women too, always has a new girl at the top of his list. he always brightens my day. he is the only one of the cousins who likes me very much. not really sure why.
37. i flipped my brother off one time when i was 12 and my dad saw me do it. that was the last time i did it when i meant it.
38. www.landoverbaptist.com is one of my favorite sites, despite the fact that it makes fun of my faith.
39. i believe that if u cant laugh at yourself, you cant laugh at anything.
40. ian calls me a fascist, and i just might be...but not the hating jews kind. i think i got it from reading plato's republic.
41. i use to be a philosophical anarchist. not because it was cool or the punk thing to do, but because i thought it would be utopian. i still am influenced by it.
42. i didnt vote because i dont identify with either candidate. i say im republican because my parents did, but im really not. im prolife in everything, against abortion and for abolishing the death penalty. i believe that schools should share money statewide so inner city education wouldnt fall behind, and offer vouchers until theyre fixed. incentives should be given to innercity teachers as well. i dont think iraq was a brilliant idea, but i dont think we can just leave now. i believe in small govt, so spending should be cut in all areas. our military is far too large for defense. we dont need to guard europe or japan anymore, they can do it themselves. taxes shouldnt be cut until were in the black. im for laxation on business as well and free trade.
43. containment, as created by george kennan was brilliant, and blew my mind, but we shouldnt continue following it after the fall of the soviet union.
44. i think free will theism makes sense, but am just coming to terms on what it would mean for my faith.
45. i learn best from experience, and not much without it.
46. im not a big fan of reading, i always start but never finish. i think messy spirituality was my favorite book, though im a big fan of tom clancy. sign of the beaver was my favorite book for years.
47. ive always lived in my imagination. ive always wanted to be somewhere else, and really regret it now.
48. i always thought id make a good indian, or as a champion of war with Arthur or Alexander.
49. people have mistaken me for being hispanic on a number of occasions. when i went to costa rica to visit my cousins, the waiters would speak to me in spanish to translate for my cousins and brother. it was kind of funny, because they had to translate for me. when i was about 12 or 13 i was riding my bike back from the pool with my brother, and some guys yelled out of their car for me to "go back to mexico, you dirty spic." i couldnt figure out what was going on, but it had to have been for me, because my brother is blonde and blue eyed.
50. im actually swedish and german, so a viking and the kaiser.

thats enough for today, ill do the other 50 tomorrow.
sean

and i would gladly hit the road

2005-01-09T00:41:00.000-08:00

get up and go if i knew that someday it would lead me back to u~sunday morning-maroon5

so i met with tyler today, and i am going to meet with the meg and mac in march. tyler calmed my fears, sort of. he said he felt a lot the same, and that they wont place me in some place that they dont think i could handle, and theyll provide support as well. im not going to be on my own. we got to talking about the church, and he thinks even more people are going to leave. weve dropped from 75 to 25 in 3 years. people blame tyler, but i think thats completely wrong and unfair. he has sought to expand our ideas, to bring spiritual health, to make us think about our faith, funny how people dont want that and will even run away from it. as soon as they get a whiff of controversy or something they havent heard before they fear it. they attempt to control it, but it ends up controlling them. they want christ to be something that is static. something that is unmoving, something that they can feel some control over. but the only thing that they can have control over is something that doesnt have life in itself, that doesnt have a will of its own, that in other words is dead or never had life to begin with. we have put god in a box so that we can control him. the god of the bible is not a god of boxes, but one who is alive and well, who seeks love while dishing it out. and this attempt to constrain god, which i am absolutely guilty of, pisses me off when it happens, especially when i do it. i guess i should have used we and us in the previous passage now that i think about it. tyler has attempted to show us how god is unrestrained, and we have ignored it. god doesnt vote for bush or kerry, though he prolly votes nader. just kidding, no one votes for him. he is not constrained by life or death or the universe. how incredible.
tyler said something about me taking over the church. i think he was joking. kinda hoping he was. but he said he may leave in a year or two, and that there are people in the church who want him to go. i dont think that i could fix the problems. they would prolly think id let them go back to box jesus, but chances are id end up going farther. itd be really hard to take control of les and pip and my parents, being such a big part of me.

anyways, john asked me some questions like a month ago and i never answered them. so i am
1. where are you selling yourself short? i know i ranted for a long time about this, and probably dont have the right to. boyd says you cant rant until u have a doctorate. i love that guy. but anyways im just avoiding the issue, and will stop now. im not as stupid as i pass myself off as sometimes. (nor am i as smart as i pass myself off as at othertimes.) but im a rather large failure when it comes to school, i havent really ever tried to do well. i only do what i need to get by. in fact, ive been doing this since i was in 3rd grade. some reason i remembered thinking, oh it doesnt really matter, and truth is i havent hardly done schoolwork since. that which i do is late and crap. thats the most blatant one but i cant seem to overcome it. there are countless others, i just cant think of them really.
2. what gives you hope? tomorrow...but i guess thats a rather lame answer, and i do hope and command one of you to beat me for that. people i guess would be my answer. in their love, in their joy. theres something in a smile that cant be trumped by anything else. just the possibility that lies in each one of us gives me hope for something else. on the other hand, they are also my greatest discouragement, and greatest pain. so much good can come from us, but such ugliness as well. oh, and the future world dictatorship that i will be setting up, in which i make all of you my slaves.

3. where do you find purpose? u had to ask this one didnt you. people have asked me this at least once a week since i was 12, which is when the rest of your life is suppose to be figured out. and i have refused to ever answer it either claiming incompetence or through anger. i will give in and bless you with my answer. anyways, i dont think that i can separate purpose from hope, cuz i think that is one of the main components of purpose, so i would have to say people. especially children. not in the michael jackson way, but just because of their innocence. (its a young mind i can brainwash and control.) i mean im not a great people person, nor do i like people 93.8 percent of the time, and they wear me down, but there is so much to them, so much to learn and love.

something about the quiet snow

2005-01-08T00:18:00.000-08:00

reminds me i should know, this is the only time of year i cant have u here~city trucks-paper (jt, chad and andy formerly of for all the drifters) its one of those songs that just touch u

it snowed tonight. its so beautiful. i was sitting in my room from 7 til 11 cuz i am on duty tonight, so i was completely oblivious to it. when i finally went to get a drink at the union, i found 4 or 5 inches on the ground. it wasnt even snowing at 7. kinda cool how fast it piles up. as i was walking towards janssen, the snow was falling through the light, and for a second i wished i had someone there sharing it with me. dont worry, it passed, and im not going emo on you. but for a second it was there. it was a moment that should have been shared, but wasnt, it was intimacy alone which doesnt make a lick of sense, and i failed at growing close with someone by that beautiful image. city trucks popped into my head, so now as i listen to it repetitively, the image returns. kind of interesting how that cycle works.

tomorrow im meeting with tyler, my pastor back home. this march im supposed to meet with the meg and mac boards. the people on the boards meet with me and decide whether im fit for being a pastor, and then have the opportunity to assign me somewhere if i want. tyler is going to talk to me about what exactly happens, and what the process is. ive always wanted to be a pastor. its what i thought i would do when i was 5, but the closer i get to actually doing it, the more i feel completely inadequate and unworthy. here i am, sean allen, confronted with a job paul toiled over, peter the rock struggled with, great men like tyler and rob kirkham and uncle neal and my dad have or had a hard time doing. who am i to take on a task like that, im just a child looking for his way in the world and a lot of the time i think im so far off. i struggle with my own faith, how am i to lead others. theres days i hardly think of christ, i hardly ever sit down and pray, i suck at reading scripture, oftentimes i completely forget about the life of christ and am so very selfish. who am i to lead anyone, what example would i be. so often i am defeated by sin and shame, forgetting grace and love. it is i who need a leader, a healer, a counselor. a wounded soul seeking love and acceptance, with little to offer to others.

but in the midst of all of that doubt there lives a tiny, minute speck of hope (hope is such a damning thing, but oftentimes it is the very thing that saves us), that perhaps i am useful to christ. that while i struggle so much, christ can use this broken vessel. the logos, in whom all things were created and in which nothing is that was not created through him could perhaps use this creation. that perhaps my struggles will allow me to show the face of christ to others. that is my prayer and my cry. what good am i when separated from the grace that i have received. i would be dead, or worse. love, that is my prayer
sean

dont tease me about my hobbies

2005-01-03T00:37:00.000-08:00

i dont tease you about being an asshole~Garden State
finally i have been made somewhat complete. i got to watch garden state for the first time~ever. anna and 201 were raving about it, and john and buzz went to see it in stl or collinsville. i didnt want to drive far, since greenville doesnt get any good movies like that, so i had to wait for it to come out on dvd. ive watched it twice tonight, once with the guys and then by myself as im writing this. i had just watched napolean dynamite on saturday for like the 6 or 7th time, but i like garden state much better. alot more depth. i collected some of my favorite quotes. these are just some one liners, theres some other longer ones i didnt want to write down.

-as in my title~hey man, dont tease me about my hobbies, i dont tease you about being an asshole--i want someone to say this to me before i die because i prolly deserve it.
-thats life. its real. sometimes it fuckin hurts, but yeah, thats all we have.
-and one of the song lyrics~half the time we dont know where we're going...and we dont know where

i think this movie sums up our generation, at least i really connected with it. avoidance has always been a problem. animals have always had fear, its one of the great biological developments so that an individual can survive, driven by adrenaline and other hormones. humans have taken it to an entirely new level, seeking to avoid reality because of our fears, not driven by our hormones, but by psychosis. we all do it. we create alternative realities, dreams, fantasies in order to deal with the harshness of life, attempting to gain some sort of control over the things we really cant, it allows us some sort of reassurance that things will be better, which is hope. the physical evils, like the tsunami in SE asia, or failing relationships, or any myriad of evils that we run into during life are dealt with by avoiding it. but the thing is, we cant control it. neither you nor i am god, no matter how many times i claim to be, and even if we were theres no telling we would truly be in control of all things. we have to realize that in the grand scheme of things our existence might not be that important (of course i dont completely believe that, since i believe in a relational god). there might be a whole heck of a lot else thats going on, and we cant do anything about it. as forrest gump would say, maybe were just a feather on the breeze, and we gotta go where the wind takes us. and the thing that makes our generation unique, i think, is that we are starting to believe that we cant control everything, but we have to make the most of what we get. and in the midst of coming to terms with this, we have embraced this avoidance even more, so that we no longer just run away to our dreams and fantasies, but to drugs and sex and rock and roll. we have turned to look outside ourselves for this meaning of our live, for some control over the occurences, turning to things that fail, which have no hope of future, but only hope for now. its absolutely sad, we have sold out hope for the future, in order to forget about now. and thats not just what weve done, but what every generation has seemed to have done in some way or another.

father, we have little here. all we have is our life, and its fleeting. show us the beauty of it, a childs smile, playing with a bouncy ball, we must appreciate it. grant us hope, so that we may perservere in everything we face, i desperately need that. be with joel, keep his plane safe on tuesday. allow interterm to be relaxing and fun. you love
sean

the words that we drive in the ground

2004-12-11T23:13:00.000-08:00

the repetition starts to thin their meaning~debate exposes doubt-death cab for cutie

just give me 3 questions...make me happy

some things people do just make me lose faith in humanity. take for instance last night. i had to stay up all night because people have no consideration for others.

on to other things that piss me off. well i dont know about piss me off, but frustrate me. there are so many people who seem to sell themselves out. i dont know if thats what i mean, but theres something about so many people here at greenville that just seem to sell themselves so short of what they really are or could be. and theyre unhappy because of it, u can see it in their eyes. it has to do with their lack of confidence in themselves, so in a way i am indicting myself. ive never been incredibly confident, but i just see these people and i want them to see what i see. i guess it comes from having developer as my 2nd strength, i see potential in people and it frustrates me cuz almost nobody is where they could be. that doesnt really bother me, as much as the people who seem set so much smaller than they should be. and its just a few people who frustrate me to no ends in this way. most of them i dont know, or have just said hi a couple times. only one of them is a close friend, or was. ive hardly talked to him this semester, and am incredibly worried about him. i think it might be that what angers me is that these people avoid what they could be. theyre running from it, trying to be something they arent. this is a lot of what people in high school seemed like. everyone wanted to be a somebody, and ended up becoming just a face in the crowd. and this pisses me off, that someone so beautiful should dress themselves up as something so ordinary, so worthless.

i see things in peoples eyes. i dont think thats as normal as i think it is. everything seems to be shown in a persons eyes, even when everything else says the exact opposite. everything from peoples worries, to their thoughts about you, but most especially their thoughts about themselves. i hate looking in my own eyes in the mirror, things i dont even recognize im thinking scream out their existence when i look in the mirror. its frightening, so i try to avoid eyecontact with myself in the mirror in the morning. so whether these certain people actually are selling themselves short, i dont know. myabe im just an idiot, or lunatic who just imagines the messages from peoples eyes. putting it that way, i do sound rather psychotic. but its the truth. my views on people, the way i interpret them dont really come from their words or how they present themselves, but from their eyes. i know it seems dumb to focus so much on this, but i run most of my life off of intuitions, stuff i cant really even put into words. so i dont really expect you to understand.
father, do not allow me to constrain myself from the great things you plan to work through me. do not let my lack of confidence to keep from being as great as you desire me to be. love
sean

Your lipstick is callin

2004-12-10T23:59:00.000-08:00

dont bother angel, i know exactly whats goin on~Cute without the e-taking back sunday

my brain is absolutely fried right now. not due to weed or anything, ive spent the past week writing papers, and have no will to think. so this wont be very deep. i know that i always do this, but i never seem to learn. i do absolutely no work through the entirety of the semester, and then am forced to make up everything that i miss in one week. since late sunday night i have written around 65 pages. unfortunately i still have a lot more to go, and tomorrow will be the beginning of my second round with hell. hopefully i dont get KO'd. most of the stuff has been bs, im not gonna lie, but there is some pretty good writing as well. my cuban policy paper was famazing-freaking amazing- and i would actually like to keep it. too bad the US wont listen to my brilliant advice and drop the sanctions and embargo. not only would things be better, but our current policy is subverting itself. kinda hard to win in that situation. anyway, you have just as much crap and just as little time, so i wont waste ur time complaining about my choice.

ive really been blessed with famazing friends. guys like danny, joe, john, wilding, and josh really help me get through the day. danny and i have been involved in a number of discussions lately it seems like, and im really glad to grow closer to him. i tease him constantly, but i do it out of love. hes an easy target about certain things, so i take cheap shots, i dont mean them, but i think i may have pushed him tonight. i should understand that there are boundaries not to cross to far over.
so over interterm, neumann said that he would like to play war strategy games in the evenings. how awesome is that. playing risk with your prof, who i definitely could see as a brilliant risk player. civil war class should be really fun, so many fun people are going to be in there. that reminds me that i still need to turn in my schedule. i know that neumann signed this one, but i might tweak it a little to put me on track for religion.
anyways, im tired
gnight
sean

i wanted you for nothing more than hating you for what you were...is that what u wanted to hear?

last call

2004-12-07T21:53:00.000-08:00

for the moon tonight...rained all...rained all friday night...lay down...rest your pretty head~hotel roosevelt-augustana
ask me 3 question
so randy found that augustana has put some of its new music on their website. imagine randy finding something on the internet before me. randy is the most computer illiterate person i know. well, my dad might be a little worse, thats just cuz hes afraid of it blowing up. i never thought randy was a huge fan of their music, but he listened to their newer stuff, and hes in love with it, especially bullets. he wants me to give him all their newer stuff. i dont have a burner, so i cant. maybe chase could. i actually miss those guys. since they signed with epic, they get to record with some big recorder. randy says he did the wallflowers, some of rage, and a bunch of other big names. which is awesome.
so i declared a major finally. yesterday. i went up to neumann's office to turn in extremely late papers, and decided i needed to hit him with some good news to go with the lateness. turns out im almost done. theres only one more class i need to finish it, that being historical methods, which im taking next semester. thatd be very nice if i could graduate after taking all the classes i need to for my major, but no i have to stay around another year for absolutely no reason besides getting 126 credits. thats retarded. i may try to get a religion degree as well. i need to check how much more i need for that. but for the present moment i need to just finish my classes. i am not exactly on top of things, meaning i have not done any work up to this point, so i need to do an entire semsesters worth of work done this week. i actually knocked off quite a bit of work this weekend. i wrote about 35 pages, i still got more to come.
and on that note, im going to sleep or work.
father, i have paid little attention to you lately. how great of a son am i. please heal me, i have a headache. if you will grant me anything, please grant me focus. i desperately need it. how come it seems i always have to be desperate before i grasp something. why couldnt i be wise sometimes, and take others advice. gnight love
sean

hmmm...the things u learn

2004-12-05T20:28:00.000-08:00

and freaking ask me 3 questions

i have realized that a college diploma does not neccessitate that you have any sort of intelligence, only a work ethic. i cant decide if that is a good thing or not. on the one hand, those who work hard would be justified in receiving what they have earned. on the other hand, as napolean stated, "stupid, motivated people are the most dangerous" of the lot of humanity, so it is incredibly dangerous to encourage their motivation.

of course, this sounds incredibly inhumane and fascist, but at the moment i dont care. plus, whos to say that i would even categorize myself in the intelligent category. its more likely that i would be in the stupid and lazy category.
sean~the natural

for i am like the pheonix

id live without you love

2004-11-29T19:36:00.000-08:00

but what good is one glove without the other~gentlemen-mewithoutyou

Steph sent me this in response to our debate:
I've asked a lot of people to look at the article/story thing I was telling you about so I decided just to put it in my journal...

here's a link:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/kephanieanne/2004/11/22/

I would like to know what you think about it. You can leave a comment or e-mail me back, whatever works.

my response: (tell me what you think)
i really like this article, it is very clear and concise. it does show that all things in the end are based upon your belief in them, your faith in them. even science itself is just the observation of what occurs, allowing us to predict what will happen next. newtons laws dont prove gravity, it only observes that things tend to fall. of course the easiest and best explaination is that all things pull and push on each other, constantly exerting force on one another. and the most massive one wins. (perhaps aristotle was right, and everything just wants to get to its natural state) but while this is the most logical step, science can only say, things fall when you drop them. thats the problem with science, it doesnt explain anything. faith is needed to accept anything. on the other hand, dont fall into thinking that faith is all you need. you cant have faith without logic, because you couldnt even form the thought to put faith into without reason. they are impossible to separate. they are completely and utterly bound to one another, if not the same thing. so dont try to go to the exact opposite side of the prof and say that only faith exists.

however extending the examples to answer the problem of evil with the idea of evil being the absence of good is not a thought i would recommend, probably heretical although this is one of aquinas' argument. first and most obvious is the fact that you are automatically assuming that good and evil are light and dark, attempting to stack the cards in your favor. there is nothing to keep good from being darkness and evil from being light. this would lead to the idea that good is the relative term, being the absence of evil, and so everything is evil. Im rather sure you would disagree with this since all things were created by God (John 1~in him all things were made and without him nothing was made that has been made.) and all things god creates are good (Genesis creation story #1), and to come to this conclusion all you would have to do is switch the words evil and good.

Secondly, by denying that evil is not a character of an action or event, you are denying the existence of evil. you are in effect saying everything is just varying degrees of good. So even sin would not be completely corrupt, sin would be merely "less good" than some other action that could have been taken under the same circumstances. The purpose for Christ's sacrifice and resurrection, if not nullified, take a considerably less important role. For if nothing is actually evil, and therefore wrong, atonement for sin is not needed or at least not important. this contradicts othodox view (at least western view), which states that the resurrection is the main part of faith with god. That the grace of god through the resurrection wipes out the sins we commit which keep us from being in relationship with god.
You could counter by saying that sin is the complete absence of good, but that would undermine your argument. you would, in essence, be saying that there is a not-good, which would be the complete lack of good, by being completely void of good you are saying that there is something which is not good. this would be the opposite, which would be evil.
You could also say that sin is everything that is not completely good. this would cause nearly everything to be sinful, since so few things in this world are completely good. Ill give you an example. Hitler was, in my opinion a psychotic, and rather evil man. was he pure evil, no. deidrich bonhoffer, in order to save the lives of millions of people, schemed to assassinate hitler. in doing this, bonhoffer was doing an act that did good (saving millions from hitler), and a lack of good as well (murdering someone). so was this act sinful, because it wasnt perfectly good. I would hope not, because nearly every deed that we do would be sinful, because hardly anything we do is perfectly good.
perhaps you could argue that god doesnt say sin has to be fully good or completely lacking of good, then what is sin. and by declaring it sin, god is proclaiming it not good. so while the act might have some portion of goodness to it, God has declared it "not good enough" by not accepting it, that kind of nullifies the good in the sin, and makes it evil.

I find this argument that evil is just the absence of good to be a bad argument. I find it hard to agree with orthodoxy and follow this line of thinking. it minimizes sin, and therefore the role of christ. christianity has some absolutes. and i think good and evil are two of them.

looking for the patterns in static

2004-11-28T23:27:00.000-08:00

they start to make sense the longer im at it~lightness-death cab

so this is a little late. i ended up giving my presentation on tuesday. i painted a phoenix, and lets just say im not an artist. but despite this, i tried for perfection and ended up using all 3 canvas and a board. i tried to do it originally on the board, but paint doesnt stay on it as well as it does on the canvas. i screwed up the other 2, and had to keep the last one cuz i ran out of canvas. it wasnt that good, but at least you could tell that one was a phoenix, unlike the others. i was incredibly tough to get out, i almost didnt right before i started. but i decided it would be good for me to do. i couldnt hide it for forever. it was one of the scariest things that ive ever done. everyone was dead silent. i could hear my heart pounding in my ears. people were weeping, howard was the only one who would looke me straight in the eyes as i was reading the letter. the holy spirit was present. i am glad i went through with presenting, but its hard to know how to react to the class now. i dont want their pity. i didnt do it to feel good, i wanted to be honest. and i was. more than ive ever been. kinda sad, but true.
i wrote this prayer last night. i was trying to fall asleep, and i came up with this, im still working on it

Our Father, Blessed Giver
grant us peace
during our anguish
so we may not fall into Satan’s traps
grant us hope
despite our doubts
so we may continue to search for Your face
grant us love
despite our fears
so we may not be paralyzed in the face of adversity
grant us grace
despite our stains
so that we may be lifted up as an offering to you
En nomine Patri, et Fili, Spiritus Sancti

and for goodness' sake...ASK ME 3 QUESTIONS

oh weak and wounded sinner

2004-11-22T00:02:00.000-08:00

Lost and left to die O, raise your head, for love is passing by~chris rice

i am sorry if i scared you with the last one, i didnt mean to. instead i was rejoicing, i was trying to explain my exodus to you. this was beautiful to me. the components were horrible and wrecking, but in the end i am free. dont get me wrong, this journey isnt done. this process isnt finish. there are many days when i hardly get out of bed, when i cant even look at myself in the mirror. but day by day things are getting better. day by day god is redeeming me, showing me life, showing me his glory, love and grace. I thank you for your prayers, but please, above all else REJOICE, for christ has worked in me.
sean

For Christ is like the Phoenix

i need thee, oh i need thee

2004-11-20T11:55:00.000-08:00

every hour i need thee...bless me now my savior i come to thee~i need thee every hour
ive been listening nonstop to hymns. ive always been a hymn guy, they seem to say a lot more. i especially like them when its just the guitar and the singer. very powerful.

ASK ME 3 QUESTIONS...please

im not sure how to say it, im not sure how im feeling, but please dont think you could ever let me down.

ive been trying to write the past 3 nights, for some reason i cant. part of it is because i know i would have to answer johns questions which i am finding incredibly hard to share, and ive just felt rather confused in me. like a stormy sea almost. i listened to some impressionist music, i dont remember the composers name was, but the piece was called the dialogue between the sea and the wind. it seemed to express whats going in my head. i think a lot of it has to do with me thinking and focusing on what has happened. this exodus has been making me think, making me see how ive moved, how ive grown. it also shows me my faults and desires. searching yourself is perhaps the hardest thing that a person can do. looking at yourself is painful, no matter how constructive it is. i have little trust in others. my confidence is shot, i have to accept the fact that there are those who love me. its hard. they dont care about what i am or who i am. my faults my misgivings dont stop them from caring for me. i just have a hard time accepting it. even from god. i desperately want to, and im trying to, but im having a hard time accepting the grace of those who love me.

im going to attempt to answer johns questions, i may not, cuz ive not really ever answered extremely truthfully about it. but if you would like to talk about it, i would love to john. anyways here is my attempt.

1. if you started journaling after your mt. sinai then what was your egypt?
depression has haunted me for a while, at least based on the doctors questions. its hard to explain, but this traps you. it colors everything in your life, even mundane things like getting out of bed are incredible tasks, you are completely paralyzed by something which you dont understand. this leads to shame, which is the worst of things. it destroyed any shred of confidence or selfrespect that i had, which im still trying to gain. i saw/(sometimes see) myself as nothing more than shit, which has the no purpose but to be avoided. this was slavery.

and even with this complete collapse, i still sought God. I desperately wanted god to work, to fix it, even just to show himself to me to reassure me he was actually there. AND HE DID NOTHING. even looking back on it, which i should be able to see something, i cant find anything that looks like god intervening. i felt abandoned, which destroyed me even more. i finally started to give up. i did not doubt that there was a god, but i doubted that he cared for me at all. he did not seem to be a god of love, just a creator, some guy with good ideas and thats it. or perhaps for some reason i wasnt offered the love he seemed to show others. when i was a senior in hs i started to cut myself, it was a sort of punishment i could deal with the shame. and it soothed, i dont know if thats the right word. it seemed to take off the edge of some of the feelings. the summer after senior year i vowed not to cut myself anymore. (which ive only broken once) and i kinda see this as the beginning of my exodus. i started to take steps to overcome what had totally wiped me out.

2. speaking of sinai, what did God speak to you while there?
ive been staring at this question for days. i desparately dont want to answer it. you said im dangerous cuz im honest, but its hard to be, because you wont understand the experience and the meaning unless i give the context. and ive never shared the context to anyone, even my parents and best friends, except on walkabout, and even then i muddled it quite a bit. but as im finally writing these thoughts, im listening to wondrous love in the background, and it tells of how when i was sinking down christ laid aside his crown for my soul, and to god and the lamb i will sing. kinda weird of what you become aware of. so here i go.

when i came to greenville it was good to get away. it was a fresh start. and i think i took advantage of it, i became a new person sort of. i tried to branch out and become more outgoing. more of a people person. and i had fun, but it wore me down. after a month, my depression started to hit hard again, and it gradually got worse. the week before thanksgiving i broke the vow i had made, and things just got worse. in the first week or two of december i started planning my suicide. my plan was to lock myself in a trunk during the break between interterm and 2nd semester. i started telling people that i would quit after the semester, so they would plan on me not coming back. then i would tell my parents that i was going back. then i was going to bleed to death in the trunk. for some reason i thought that by doing this i would be doing the world a favor. rather arrogant of me to think the world would care. one thing i didnt want to do was hurt people, specifically my mother. that was my only objection. i wanted just to fade out, to become forgotten. thats rather hard to do with a mother. i thought perhaps the uncertainty until i was found would be enough to dull others pain. other plans like stepping in front of a semi or bus, "accidental" deaths. but if i was going to do it, i wanted to die, and not screw up and be in the hospital disfigured and lame.

i had lost all hope. i thought that no one would care. i thought my existence was a burden. i still tried to put on a happy face, no sense pulling other people down with my problems. i think i did a halfway decent job as well, at least making other people thinking i was halfway normal. perhaps i should be an actor. i had prayed prayers i could never duplicate in passion, i wanted god to give me a reason not to do it and god seemed stagnant. it seemed as if god was turning a blind eye toward me, God himself had turned away from me and was giving the ok it seemed. and so i became more and more adamant about taking my life, and i started to truly convince myself it was the best possible thing. i was praying, what i thought might be the last time i would ask god to intervene. and he did. its nearly unexplainable, but the grace of god, the love of god, his desire for me seemed to be revealed to me. it seemed as if he enveloped me. ididnt leave my body or anything, i just got the impression of a love i couldnt understand. one thatwas there and would always be there. one that would miss me if i was gone. and a grace that would work with me, would continue to perfect me. images of my mother, my family, my friends, all those who loved me flashed into my head. maybe it was desperation. perhaps it was the stress. i believed and still do, that god finally answered my prayers. and there, on the floor of janssen 303 i was saved from myself. god revealed his face to me. and i made a covenant that i would continue to live. i would continue to grow in relationship with christ who saved me.

what wondrous love is this, that caused the king of this to bear this dreadful curse for my soul. when i was sinking down beneath gods righteous frown, christ laid aside his crown for my soul. to god and to the lamb i will sing, who is the great i am and when from death im free i will sing.
and when from death im free, ill sing in joyful glee and through eternity ill sing on.~wondrous love

3. halo 1 COMBAT EVOLVED versus halo 2 STRATEGY EVOLVED...your thoughts on the differences between the two based primarily on multiplayer functionality and their respective ideologies surrounding the purpose of each game's conflict emphasis.
i hated halo 2. i honestly did. at least for the first 24 hours. i had waited over a year for its release, i went to walmart at 12 am to buy it when it was released, i had played it for 6 hours before most people had woken up. and i hated it, at least the multiplayer. it seemed incredibly unnatural. it seemed like skill had been taken out and you just ran around shooting. then i played on the campaign, and fell in love with it. halo 2 is much faster, but i think my problem was i didnt know where anything was. since that first day, i have played quite a bit, and am starting to like the multiplayer. i still dont like the levels all that much. they seem rather big, even for 8 people. but im sure ill end up liking it just as much. the only thing i dont like is the emphasis on xbox live, for which 2 seems to be based on. i mean it would be cool if i could play it like that. but i cant. so that aim kinda sucks. oh well.

father, i thank you for what you have shown me. for what you have blessed me with. so often i discount what you have blessed me with for something that only seems greater. i thank you for your saving grace and for your wondrous love. be with chase, show him compassioin. i love him.
your love
sean

take a look at me now

2004-11-15T21:16:00.000-08:00

theres just an empty space/theres nothing left to remind me/just the memory of your face ~Against all odds-the postal service

little kids are so amazing. so innocent, in a sense so worthless. but they fill my life with joy. i went home this weekend, and today at church i sat with mara, tete (matea-such a beautiful name) and nico, mara drew a picture of me. shes in 3rd grade, and it looks really good, shell be a great artist someday. it really lifted my spirits. i was having a hard time this weekend, so it helped out a lot. im not really sure why i was down. i just have been lately, its reflecting a lot on my life i think. my mom kept asking if i was ok, i think shes worried about me.

i have to do a project this week for pentateuch explaining my personal exodus. im not really sure i want to do it. i dont know what to talk about, well i do, im not sure i really want to talk about it to 35 people i dont really know. its supposed to be a project, most people have used art to tell about their exodus. most of them have been incredibly vague, just characterizing their life as their exodus, which i guess i could do. itd make things a lot easier. i could use a search for significance thesis which everyone seems to go through. Walls did it, his was freaking awesome. he did a powerpoint to my favorite coldplay song-the scientist. but i have decided to do it on my struggle with depression, basing most of it on my journals and poetry. i think itll be a collage of my thoughts, as well as some quotes from other people. i went back and read all of the journals i have written that i could find. im not going to get too specific, most of my journaling started after my mt sinai experience. so i wont tell exactly how bad it was. i still dont want to tell the class though. well i need to go to bed.

father, help me with this exodus i am still in. guide me, take me into the promised land. im not sure if that is part of the impending future, but just continue to show me your love and grace. be with nick and his gma, she may have cancer. be with him in africa. be with andy as well. i love them so much, and really miss them. please be with chase. thank you for john and joe and danny
my love
sean

i would like you to ASK ME 3 QUESTIONS

why burn poor and lonely

2004-11-10T23:11:00.000-08:00

we'll be like torches...torches together hand in hand~torches together-mewithoutyou

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?""I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones."Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin."Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones."God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin."Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.Jones again winked off.
However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet herhusband with the hatpin again.The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your butt!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.

wishing for silence

2004-11-09T13:31:00.000-08:00

hard to get it in a dorm-fact

moderation...seems kinda foreign to most of us americans, but in the past 2 days ive had a number of discussions about it. first with stillwell last night and then in pentateuch today. we always seem to think that being unable to do something makes us a slave, taking away our freedom. which i have no doubt that it does. if i were to get stoned for eating pork, chances are i dont really have the freedom to choose to eat pork. however it seems as if the opposite is true as well. if we have the ability to do anything that we want, we tend to become a slave to our desires. there is no control, and we lose our humanity. does that mean we will definitely become a slave to ourself? no, human nature and human drives seem to point toward that though. the more we make a decision or do something, the easier it is for us to do it again and soon it is nearly impossible or improbable that we would chose otherwise. for instance if i were to play halo, it is very likely that i would play again. after a while of chosing to play halo over, say homework, it is hard to say no to halo when that choice is presented to me. this kinda seems like a slippery slope sort of argument, however this is just how it seems to be. by restraining myself i would break my desires and give me the freedom to do homework.

this is a lot like augustine, he differentiated between freedom and liberty. freedom is when you are in sin and have the freedom to sin. you are pushed by the lack of constraints to continue sinning. through the grace of christ you are given liberty which makes you a slave of christ and are given the liberty to choose what is right. augustine said that you cannot choose what is good prior to the grace of christ, which i dont agree with, but i believe there is a lot of truth to the concept of tempering ourselves.

Perhaps it is this ability to restrain ourselves that makes us human, or at least sets us apart. a dog in heat will attempt to have sex with just about anything, even your leg, we have the ability to control our sexual drives to a point. not that we should suppress them, the church does this, and i feel it is ignoring something that god has blessed us with. however, tempering it to a monogomous relationship, through which the intimacy of sex can truly be appreciated seems to set it apart. it is no longer some animalistic drive, but it is something in which God can be glorified through our actions. this sanctification of sex is incredibly important. it makes us aware of what we are doing, but more important aware of God in our lives. the same can be said of food, which is where our discussion lay in pentateuch. we were studying the dietary laws of jews. the jews dont eat pork because pigs are dirty creatures necessarily, but by restraining themselves, they are making themselves aware of the very action of eating, setting it apart for god. how incredible is that. i had never thought of eating in that way. We can glorify god by being aware of Him in hunger, food, a full stomach.

by being aware of God in the seemingly mundane details of life we are becoming intimate with god. by growing in our knowledge and experience with god, we actually have a relationship with god. we get to know god, we get to know christ, our maker, and how mindblowing is that. we finite beings experiencing and begininning to understand the love of an infinite one.

father grant me liberty. push me toward moderation. i have made myself a slave to my own desires, i no longer seek that. i do not know all, my plans, my thoughts, my desires are flawed and i will not find fulfillment or grace in them. give me significance, let me see myself through your eyes. i disappoint myself so much. i live in shame and guilt, which i know you do not desire of me. i am a new creation, please reinforce that. your love
sean

he made the world a grassy road

2004-11-04T23:32:00.000-08:00

before our bare and wandering feet~seven sisters-mewithoutyou

im worn to bare threads. i tried to escape. i went to pokies tonight to read, it ended up not being a good idea. i always get distracted here in the room, so i go there sometimes. i left right after vespers thinking no one from gc would show up for another hour or so. i beat the crowd by like 15 minutes, so i didnt get much done. i was reading paradise lost i believe is the title, not completely sure. the back cover made it seem awesome. and it was, but its hard to understand when u cant concentrate with people yelling. poor waitress. shes such a nice lady, people just give her a horrible time. im glad i dont work there. why is it that we just seem to treat people in service jobs like crap. it seems people take out all their stress and anxiety on them. she told me she was having a bad day, and im sure all the college students didnt make it any better. it doesnt say much for GC when we students treat others like she was being treated. whats even worse is the fact that the people of the town associate GC with christ, so our actions tarnish christ. forgive us love. may we represent you with love and grace.

rehearsed indifference tossed aside, our narrow arms spread wide,
"What unseen pen etched eternal things on the hearts of humankind
But never let them in our minds?"
Like the clouds bring a darkness and a hard rain's gonna fall and
all my laughter ends in emptiness and a hard rain's gonna fall
my every medicine caused more illness and a hard rain's gonna fall
my exit, unfair~mewithoutyou

father, i know i have inherited your love, your grace, your life, through our death. reinforce this into my heart, my life, my thoughts. its easy to profess, but so hard to embrace, too good to be true. lift me from my depths. i am descending again. bring my exodus about, let me wander no longer, lift up my broken soul unless i should break even more, unless i should lay in the grave of this body longer. i dont see what i receive from it. catch for me the fox in the vineyard, my love
sean

he crushed the stones

2004-11-04T00:27:00.000-08:00

into the softest sand underneath my feet-mewithoutyou

so bush won...i couldnt tell you what i think. not because its lewd, i just dont comprehend my thoughts. part of me is glad, part of me isnt...but most of me just doesnt care. i dont believe bush is as dumb or evil as people make him out to be. i actually find him to be rather trustworthy. does he always make the best decisions...ie iraq, no. as apart from kerry, who's platforms really werent different from bush. and who ive never liked even in the primaries. heck even before he ran. its not that hes a flip flopper, i just get this sense about him that turns me off to him. i get those about a lot of people and theyre usually right. however, i dont see much changing under bush. he seems to keep pushing on in what hes doing. i mean perserverance isnt a bad trait, but i think some things need to be reworked. i know this wont be very popular, but i feel the war in iraq is going rather well. did we find any wmd's, no and we prolly wont. but we got into this war, and we cant exactly leave it cold turkey. so far the kill count is under 1100 boys. its terrible that we have a single american life taken, but the fact is this war is over a year and a half old. to have that few casualties is simply amazing. and this isnt easy desert warfare, this is street by street urban warfare. people can hide anywhere, and our tanks and heavy weapons arent much use, so its our soldiers fighting. however bush cant just alienate the world over the war. flying solo is tough, and i dont believe it is smart. it doesnt mean we get their soldiers, just their diplomatic support and aid.

But overall, the fact that we have these two to choose from is pathetic. i mean its hard for the republicans to pick someone other than bush, although McCain shoulda been in 4 years ago. but the democrats pick the most lackluster candidate you could offer. not only was he a dud, he hardly opposed bush. he promised to change things, but when he presented his changes, there was nothing different from what he desired than from what bush wanted. North Korea was the major difference, and i think the multilateral approach of bush is better. Michael Badnarik was the libertarian choice, i thought about actually voting and voting for him, but it was too late for me to sign up. people kept telling me i need to vote, its my duty. no its not. in australia it is your duty, and they make it your duty by fining you if you dont. in the US it is a choice, it is an opportunity that i have to participate in the government. and i chose not to. why not. because i didnt want either in the office. give me McCain, give me Powell, I may even have voted for Daschle, id definitely vote for hastert, but i dont want kerry or bush for crying out loud. pick the least of 2 evils everyone says. screw you and your mother. thats almost as bad as not voting. its pretty much saying lets put in someone who isnt qualified, just cuz the other guy isnt qualified either. what sense does that make.

but the biggest reason i didnt vote other than the lack of candidates, is that i dont care. i know that politics supposedly makes the world go round, but only love does that. honestly politics has done very little, especially on a large scale. perhaps if we were in a clan when we were intimately tied, but i dont think with civilization government does a whole lot. mainly govt just pushes itself. ok, so the government does do things, but on the whole i find them to be detrimental. you can say, what about equal rights, ill say you mean the government repealed the jim crow LAWS, that it set up. hmmm, doesnt seem like its doing anything. anyways, its late, im tired, so my logic is clearly flawed. gnight
sean

brilliance from a master, part i

2004-10-31T23:43:00.000-08:00

Josh Caddell's advice on getting a sugar momma
1. gain a lot of weight
2...more to come

call in the army corps of architects

2004-10-31T21:15:00.000-08:00

to flatten the skyline and begin again~army corps of architects-death cab

im studying NSC policy paper number 68, in other words containment against the soviets. and am writing a paper for it. kinda ironic, senior year i took international relations with comrade keogh, and was suppose to read a book for the class. i never opened it. now i am using it for my background info. imagine if i had read it in high school like i was supposed to, id just have to skim back through it. but no, my laziness screws me once again. oh well. as dr. "stormin" norman hall says, youre bright but lazy and thatll come back to bite you in the butt.

i do get to listen to music while reading though, and that has sparked a list of awesome songs, which touch my soul every time i listen to them.
death cab~styrofoam plates, tiny vessels, passenger seataugustana~bostoncopeland~brightest and testing the strong onesbrand new~ soco amaretto limCat Stevens~the winddashboard confessional~the places u have come to fear the mostelton john~tiny dancerjeff buckley~hallelujah maroon 5~sunday morningmewithoutyou~nice and blue, gentlemen shortwave radio~signsthe postal service~such great heights, brand new colonysomething corporate~hurricane, downunderoath~some will seek forgiveness...

all around

2004-10-31T01:35:00.000-08:00

i knew the conscious choice was crystal clear~20th century towers-death cab for cutie

tonight is daylight savings time, in which we get an extra hour of sleep. so what am i doing, staying up an extra hour. stupid. but anyways, i think the nonexistent hour is the perfect time to commit a crime. it would be possible to create a scenario in which you had an alibi from 12 til 2, and then from 2 til whenever. of course the cops would prolly know about daylight savings time, and that would foil the plan. but perhaps it would give the criminal a slight edge.

this led me to thinking about time travel, since that is precisely what we are doing. ok, not really, but thats not important. if you were able to time travel, which i dont believe would ever happen (just look at napolean dynamite) would you have the moral responsibility to stop atrocities that happen. like if you traveled back to 1907, would you have the moral duty to murder hitler as a youth to save 6 million jews from death. as well as the millions who died in ww2. i so desire to strangle young adolph in his crib, but what if he chose not to.

perhaps everything changed. perhaps a different set of decisions and circumstances came up, so that hitler didnt grow up to be in a position of power. plus, am i just as bad as he was or might possibly be for murdering a young child who is still innocent. or even worse, for playing god. what if it didnt matter who led the nazis, the idea of it due to the treaty of versailles would have still lived on and grew in strength to do the same things. and perhaps if they hadnt have had an insane leader and would have gone on to not attack the russians and take over the world. despite those possiblilities, i think i would still kill him. the cost not to, if everything proceeds accordingly seems too great. although it might be better to mangle his leg, so that he would not be able to fight in WW1, although theres still a possiblity he would be able to continue on in his work. do the ends ever justify immoral means?

this is too deep for me to understand, or comprehend i believe, so ill let the brilliant minds sift through this.

i must admit i was charmed by your advances, your advantage led me helplessly into you. talking how the group had begun to splinter, and i could taste your lipstick on the filter. i tried my best to keep my distance from your dress, but called response overturns conviction everytime.~title track-death cab

father, how lovely is this place youve made. beauty and grace fills the world. allow my life to be pure and holy, some remnant of you. josh caddell isa great guy, im glad that we have met. let us continue to grow in our friendship. i thank you for chase and johnny and enoch. bless ewok and becky in their marriage. allow them to minister together in amazing ways. for those of us lost, running in circles, assure us that theres some point to whats going on. we are all so vulnerable to ideas of unworthiness, ignorance, hatred towards ourself, reassure us of your love.
all i am
sean

standing in the doorway of regret

2004-10-28T23:22:00.000-07:00

nothins really changed...at least not yet~signs-shortwave radio

this is my favorite song of the moment. most of you prolly dont know toad, but hes spilly's brother. it just seems to connect with you, almost a spiritual experience. wilding agrees with me, so theres gotta be some truth to it. their website is http://www.shortwaveradiomusic.com festivus is actually playing drums for them at the moment, which is really freaking awesome. so check them out if u can, or ask me for a dose of it.

so tonight i went to the symphony for fine arts class. im not very classy. i cant sit there for that long. i mean i like the music, just listening to it, and the architecture of this building was incredible, but i was bored outta my mind. some famous russian pianist was the guest, and i completely fell asleep for her time. i heard the beginning and the end, but completely missed everything else. oh well, cant like everything i guess.

i got to talk to a friend of mine for the first time in forever. i was really happy to hear from them. they ended up calling me a chicken, and you know, theyre right. im not very brave when it comes to most things. i care so much about saving myself pain or trouble i either act incredibly selfish or just dont act out of fear, completely frozen, like deer in the headlights. there are so many things i desire to do so deeply, but i dont do them either because i convince myself theyre illogical or im just too afraid of doing them. most the time theyre just silly impulses, like constantly wanting to drop out of school. but i dont do the ones that i would really like to do. right now i really wanna take a semester off and work. then in june i would take the month off and hitchhike for a month or so. id take down a journal and maybe write a book. lol. freakin big plans.

maybe there is a God above...but all ive ever learned from love...is how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya...its not a cry that you hear at night...its not somebody whos seen the light...its a cold and a broken hallelujah~hallelujah-jeff buckley

father, bless us your children, let us please you with the aspirations of our hearts. bless us with your courage, your undaunted righteousness to do what is right in the face of what is evil. be with the ministers that visited the campus this week, they are truly your servants. worked to the bone, to meet the needs of your children. bring about harmony between the church, we do little good when we rip each other apart. for those of us who are searching for your face, meet us father, give us hope, something to put faith in. love
sean

if youd rather be a window

2004-10-26T23:59:00.000-07:00

id gladly be the frame...torches together-mewithoutyou

tonight was a good night in philosophy of religion. kate claims it was the best, but shes wrong. she always is. tonight we were supposed to talk about the hiddeness of god, but ended up focusing on tangents. this is one of boyds specialties, and hes writing a book about natural moral law, and we ended up talking about grace, and grace upon grace, (jesus built on top of the law). then ended up talking about spiritual development and the fowler faith interviews. im not sure i like the idea behind it. i didnt get to do it, but im not sure you can accurately judge a persons spiritual maturity. i guess you can see the ripples in their pond so to say, but it seems to put a measure on your spirituality. then people were asking how they could become a 6. as if there is some way to earn it. by the grace of god id say. it takes incredible moral courage, to take the step of faith to live a life entirely devoted to christ and his children. mother teresa is amazing. joel has an incredible sense of moral courage, it humbles me. i can barely step out of my little spot, and hes going into the projects to help kids. these kids grow up with gangs around them, dont know who their dad is, dont have any money, and joel just serves them. i am not half the man he is.

Boyd also said something i found to be incredibly profound and damning at the same time. he said, "People dont leave Christianity because they find a better answer, they leave because this other option shows them love." we are so concerned about converting people, getting them to say some prayer, we completely forget what that little prayer is saying. We completely forget the love and grace and meaning christ blessed us with. we will do anything for their souls, taking it completely upon ourselves, which is a scary idea, to turn someone to christ. i heard a quote, i think from GK Chesterton, maybe, that says, even the young man knocking on the door of the brothel is looking for God. we are all looking for acceptance, redemption and meaning. we must not forget that the holy spirit is already even now working in them through their knocking on brothel doors, or drinking in a pub, or whatever. our job is to be christ to them in our actions and words and demeanor. My favorite quote is by St. Francis of Assisi, "preach the gospel at all times, and when necessary use words." he had so many. i should become a franciscan monk.

Ah but im so small...i can barely see...how can this great love be inside of me...look at your eyes theyre small in size...but they see enormous things...four letter word-mewithoutyou

i did a stupid thing. chase left a computer monitor on the couch, so i lifted it off so i could sleep. im not supposed to use my left hand, especially to lift. they had to cut through the ligaments in my wrist to get the pin in the bone. my ligaments arent healed, so right now they hurt incredibly bad. they didnt tear or pop, but they still hurt.

father, work in me. draw me close to you, i am still seeking your acceptance and forgiveness and love. i know you freely give, it is i who need to merely accept it. heal my arm, take away the pain please. be with joel, i miss him more than i thought i would. grape on the vine
sean

In Your Face

2004-10-26T00:45:00.000-07:00

this is for those of you who claim i cant swim with freshwater dolphins in Iowa...

Are there dolphins that live in fresh water?
Answers
Sep 27, 04 Yes.
For example, there is the remarkable dolphin species in China's Yangtze river. It's known variously as the Wuhan Baiji Dolphin, and the Chinese River Dolphin. It's particularly interesting because it's NEARLY BLIND, with eyes that protrude a bit and seem to face upward a bit. It's thought to have come to its current river habitat roughly 20,000 years ago. It's nearly extinct-- roughly 13 individuals are currently alive. It's the world's most-endangered cetacean, and is expected to become extinct sometime in this decade, despite an active preservation project. Its habitat is steadily changing and disappearing because of the "3 gorges" dam project, normal river pollution, tons of SOUND pollution from heavy boat-traffic, and mortality from the expected collisions with all that boat traffic.

oh and save the river dolphins

I am thinking its a sign

2004-10-25T23:05:00.000-07:00

that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images...and when we kiss theyre perfectly aligned...Such Great Heights-the postal service

i got to talk to emac tonight. i was very happy. im never here when he tries to talk to me. in november his magazine is doing a national sunday insert, like Parade. everyones going to see his handiwork. thats awesome. hes taking classes. im not sure how much more he has on his masters. i wouldnt think itd be that much more, but i actually have no clue how much many classes it takes to get a masters. spilly's only takes 10 months. i think its incredibly intensive though. like thats all hes doing. he said he would try to fly me out for the weekend before thanksgiving. dad said something about leaving for kansas on tuesday. grrr. i love my dads side, but theyre a little different. not a whole lot like christmas vacation, but u get a hint. emac said he may get to come in the spring, which would be awesome.

ill be the platform shoes undo what heredity's done to you, you wont have to strain to look into my eyes. ill be your winter coat button zipped straight to the throat, with the collar up so u wont catch cold. i want to take you far from the cynics in this town and kiss you on the mouth.

father, please be with emac and emily. let them grow together as well as with you. give them widsom and guidance. heal me father. im getting distant, draw me back. i have not been making good decisions in my studies. be with chase. i thank you for john and his friendship. it means so much to me, it helps me get through most days. i thank you for all my loved ones. they keep my life worth living. you have blessed me. your love
sean

please dont leave me

2004-10-21T23:19:00.000-07:00

without saying goodbye...leaving-the starting line

tonight troy spoke in vespers. he opened up with 1Cor 13, prolly my favorite. but then he proceeded to tell about the story of how his sister died in a car wreck. he was there, he held her hand while she was dead in the car. and the focus of his talk was on gods love. here he is recounting the death of his sister, and he is praising gods love. how amazing is that, i mean i was sitting there completely shaken, trying to understand what purpose there was for her death, and hes praising god. that completely humbles me. i wonder how i would react if i ever had to go through something so hard as that. sometimes i think id completely break, and my faith would be completely destroyed.

ive never really been tested. pretty much everything i struggle with is inside me, its pretty much a result of my own doing. inspired by my own fear and stupidity. nothing that i dont have at least some control over or a major responsibility in doing. and i feel that has made me a weak pathetic man/child. i mean i see it as a blessing that i havent had to suffer immense pain, but i also see it as a sign that i havent lived well. i live in my own little world most of the time. very rarely if ever have i reached beyond myself. and i think thats why i never am tested. i never hurt, and if i am i think most of it is me putting it upon myself because thats what i feel should happen.

sorry if this is putting you to sleep, im trying to work out thoughts that would just settle and rot in my head if i didnt go over them. i get the picture that ive dulled myself to everything, or maybe as people say, you put up walls, and i think theyre right. ive blocked everything around me from affecting me, in an attempt to stay safe. i think chase was trying to get at this the other evening. he asked me why i had such a hard time getting close to people. i couldnt answer him. i have no reason for them, and yet i cant seem to break old habits. maybe ive spent so much time closed in those walls i think thats the natural surrounding, not questioning them or why theyre there. i heard a story about this idea...

there were a colony of jombuds, just think of jimminy cricket, these little guys lived in a stream, and the current was incredibly fast. to keep from being carried to an unknown, they spent their entire lives gripping this reed, even in their sleep. one jombud decided to let go and was carried by the current bumping and smacking the bottom. finally the stream started to slow down and the brave jombud stood up, not having to grip onto a reed. he was surrounded by the most beautiful place he had ever seen. sand and shells were everywhere, and the food was plentiful. all he had to do was let go.
i know thats incredibly corny but i think that might be true. life isnt about closing yourself off, cuz itll just pass you by. i only wish that i could do it, and not just think it. i have a hard time with that.

father, break my will. i seek after myself, and where will that lead me except death. break me so i must love, so that i must be honest, so that i must reach out to others and to you. i dont want to exist in name only, but im to hard headed to do it on my own. save me from myself.
ive gotta be honest, ive been waiting for you all of my life
sean

I dont care if mondays passed

2004-10-21T02:37:00.000-07:00

Tuesday, Wednesday heart attack...thursday never looking back...its friday im in love...friday im in love-death cab

do you have somedays just pass by and you dont really remember what you did. i think today is one of those days, and you think was this day worthwhile? your life doesnt seem to grow or change or get better or worse. it just is sometimes. frankl talked about finding meaning in life. about how u can in your work or relationships or anything. sometimes that seems to take too much energy and patience to rationalize days, especially these days. maybe sometimes there is no point, only just to live.

i guess there is redemption even in today. i took international relations midterm and was mentally ravaged. not that it was necessarily hard, although once again i failed to realize that i should at least look over whats gonna be on a neumann test. the test was just long and drawn out. it took me an hour and a half. the only tests i spend more than 45 minutes on are neumann tests, and usually then only about an hour. plus class is only an hour long, so we all stayed after. joe and i were the first ones done. i dont know how long everybody else stayed.

tonight was rather weird. i felt like i was constantly surrounded by couples...even though i wasnt. at supper there were no couples, although a they all have a ball and chain. i guess it was more in the fishbowl and union. everyone was watching the sox beat the yankees, and everyone was flirting hardcore. hormones are constantly raging here at greenville, i think i need hormonal therapy so that i can fit in. i think thats completely out of context, but it sounded funny in my head, and completely bombed when written out.

almighty god, unto whom all hearts are open, all desires known, and from whom no secrets are hid, cleanse the thoughts of our hearts by the inspiration of your holy spirit, so that we may perfectly love you and worthily magnify your holy name through christ our lord. be with chase, guide his heart, give him wisdom. i thank you for him, he is very dear to me. bless andy, keep him safe. its dangerous there, and i want to see him soon. touch chester, i know he is feeling lonely and depressed. remind me of him at all times. touch aunt mary and uncle keith, theyre relationship isnt going well, provide peace to both. draw me in the fold. sometimes i have a hard time with you. give me faith
your love
sean

thinking of you

2004-10-20T23:42:00.000-07:00

so kate asked me at supper about my freshman crush to put in the newspaper, and i couldnt remember who it was. turns out she meant of this years freshman, and i know none, so i dont have a freshman crush. but i started looking back on my crushes throughout my life, those that had some sort of substance to them, not just a passing fancy. so heres a list in order of their happening...

there is some discrepancy for my first crush. greg coates claims it was his sister rachel, but i dont remember that...but hes a godly man so ill trust him
1. Rachel Coates~first or second grade if it really happened
1a. Summer Grossman~first or second grade and on and off all the way through 10th grade
2. Valerie Curtis~fourth grade until 10th...although she was the only one i ever actually asked out...sort of asked out
3. Laura Pagana~jr year in high school through so. year in college...
4. Aria Eaton~freshman year in college
5. Lisa Cunningham~so. and jr. summer
6. jeanna bosacki~sophmore year...chase approved and all

and that, ladies and gentlemen is a catalog of my crushes, none of which have ever gone anywhere, nor probably ever will.
eat your heart out kate.

ps... i do not wish to embarrass any of the people on this post, if u r then i will remove your name if you ask. just a little good fun.

Fresh Beginnings

2004-10-20T14:55:00.000-07:00

i really like bloggy mcbloggerson's site, so im copying and changing mine to blogger.

if you want to read my past entries, they are at blurty.

awesome
sean

You're a disgrace to the concept of family

2004-10-20T01:29:00.000-07:00

the priest wont divulge that fact in his homily...styrofoam plates-death cab

otis, tony's dog, died today. poor marcy. they had to put him down, im not sure why. hes just had a lot of medical problems. i never had much of a desire for animals. otis changed that, at least a little. he was a jack russell terrier, so he was supposed to be crazy, but he was the most laid back dog ive ever met. it was like he was constantly high. simply amazing. he use to just sit next to me and tony while we played video games. if any dog goes to heaven, it would be him. he comforted so many in his time here.
makes me think of betty. i still havethe bulletin from her funeral in my wallet. she was like a second grandmother. its amazing how fast the body will fall. she was perfectly fine, more active than me, then 2 or 3 months later shes fighting for life in mayo clinic.

craig boyd aka dr morpheus aka nobodaddy was attempting to bring the realization of death to us in philosophy of religion last week. he took a piece of chalk and said, "ian this piece of chalk is your existence." and proceeded to pound the chalk with a cup until it was a fine dust, then he blew it off the desk. at the moment i love boyd even more cause he put off the synthesis paper due today which i have not finished until friday. above all he makes me think.

Keeping Busy is just wasting time

2004-10-19T02:34:00.000-07:00

and ive wasted what little He gave me...20th century towers-death cab

ive got a synthesis paper due for philosophy tomorrow. im doing it on evil, and how can there be an all powerful, good god and still be evil in His creation. hume wrote "is he willing to prevent evil, but not able? then he is impotent. Is he able, but not willing? then he is malevolent. is he both able and willing? whence then is the evil." tough predicament...but if evil is the result of decisions made by fallen humans in free will, and if god cannot or will not force an action on someone then evil is possible. i dont think the conclusions to the first 2 premises necessarily follow. although thats a toughy.

i read a little of the brothers karamozov by dostoyevsky, id like to read the entire thing. the 2 chapters ive read have been good. the chapter i read today dealt with the problem of evil and how one of the characters didnt want to accept grace from a god who lets evil happen to children, because if people are extended grace the atonement for their sins doesnt happen. the character described some horrible things. one mother would beat her little girl until she was just a giant bruise. the little girl wet the bed and the mother covered her in crap and locked her in the outhouse in the middle of winter. in another story a little boy threw a rock and injured the paw of a russian generals favorite hound, so the general had him stripped naked and made to run and the rest of the hounds were let loose on him and he was torn to pieces in front of his mother.

it was hard to read it, shows a lot about humanity. we consider it to be an insult when one is called an animal, and a complament to be called humane. animals will kill you to eat you or out of fear. humans will torture and kill you out of pleasure. we think through how we hurt each other, we see their pain and keep going, says a lot about us.

father i have hurt so many, i have seen their pain, their dejection, their fear, and continued on. i have not followed in your likeness. how can i be called a son of god, yet you call me that anyways. how amazing is your grace. to say it is sweetness on my lips. i dont understand, or have a hard time rationalizing it, but you give it nonetheless. lovesean

ps...
i was pretty harsh on humans. i mean i still think its true and ironic how we torture and kill one another, but there is good. think of all the people who lay down their lives every day. firefighters, police, that is noble. humans alone can love, which is wonderful. people help one another all the time. i see it all around me. ashley beard has been spending a lot of time with someone few others will, someone i try to avoid. i find that beautiful.

GOT NO PLACE TO GO

2004-10-15T02:41:00.000-07:00

take a look around you...got no place to go...and youd rather die here...No place to go-For all the drifters

its rained the past 3 days. just a drizzle mainly, but still kind of a downer. id rather it rain like a mofo and storm, hail, tornado, whatever. drizzle is just kinda there, not demanding anything, just getting you wet, although u cant really feel it except on you arms and ears. and then when a big drop hits you right on the nose, (mine being a rather large target i get more than the normal person) or when you scratch your head, the dam that was holding back all the water your hair collected breaks loose and makes it look like ur crying or sweatin bad.

joel called. that was cool, i hadnt talked to him since he left for cali. he thinks itll be a good experience, but he is in a group with 8 girls and one other guy. the other guy is the team leader who is like 28, and joel says he sounds exactly like kip from napolean dynamite. so either joels gonna get a lot of girls, or his life will be miserable for the next 10 months, chances are itll be both. i kinda wish that i had done that. i thoght about signing up with him and misssing a year, i prolly should have. doing it next year would be stupid since itll be my last. oh well, my life seems to be about missing chances.

tonight i went to vespers, yes i was on duty, but i really needed chapel credit. no use doing a job if you do it and will get fired from it, while not doing it for an hour will make you keep your job. kind of a weird situation to be put in. if i dont make checkpoint theres a chance ill get fired. i only had 5 at checkpoint out of 9, and i missed an entire week while i was at home having surgery. ive been to 3 so far this week and am going tomorrow, but im still going to be down quite a bit at number 2. so hopefully pedro will give me some grace. im not sure how much chase wants to be rc, although i think hed be good at it.
so tonight enoch just came in to the room and asked if he could pray for me. it was great. im really blessed to have him on the floor. i hardly see anyone else, they have their own thing giong on it seems. well i guess i see chase all the time, but hes my roomate so it doesnt matter. tomorrow im heading home to go see dr. oakey, he reminds me of rudy, the football legend. ill either end up getting a cast, which would suck, or a little splint which would allow me to wear long sleeves and actually get my hand through the hand hole. but of course that means im driving and dont get the help of mr vicatin to sleep tonight.

father, i thank you for josh, hes a good kid. help his visit from his family this weekend cut down on his homesickness. ive been rather antisocial lately and shouldnt be, give me a desire to spend time with others and build upon our relationships. forgive me for my sins which do nothing but harm to all. let me not sell out love, grace, righteousness, all that is beautiful for that which is instant, self serving and sickly, destructing like a virus. let me live for the eternal, i rarely think of it. bless those who bless me, and those who curse me as well.
o agapemenos uios pas
sean

Recent Bedroom talk with the roomie

2004-10-13T01:31:00.000-07:00

chase-you know this is the easiest time to meet a wife, i mean its not easy after you get out in the working world.
me-i know
chase-and the girls here are pretty cute
me-yeah, you sound like my mother
chase-were not all gonna work for playboy
me-actually, i think i am
chase-youll be hugh's right hand man, living in his mansion
me-then ill take it over

I just know that She warms my heart

2004-10-12T01:28:00.000-07:00

and knows what all my imperfections are...and she said that i was the brightest little firefly in her jar brightest-copeland

joe taught me something today that i didnt know. since i broke my wrist i cant turn my hand over on its back. really freakin weird. i keep trying, and it hurts, but its just so weird i keep doing it. and i keep hurting. im a moron.

so yes i did tell molly that i would rather overdose on drugs than to go homecoming with her, but i was partly kidding. i dont think id overdose, but ud have to get me on a lot of drugs to go with you hun. jk. but id rather not go at all i dont believe, not just with you molly, which is why i took heathers duty so i wouldnt have to. i never went to anything like that, not even prom, and id rather not start. ill prolly go next year since ill be president, ill have to.

yes i just said that. im kinda thinking about running, and then setting up a dictatorship, with johnboy as my minister of assasinations. i can get enough votes placed in the senate to get all power handed to me. its brilliant. and then id just pass the duties to the vice president and just have somebody stupid as my vp so i can control their brain. im a genius. id call everybody comrade and the such to make them think that we were equals, but we wouldnt be. so i might. that is a lot of work to do, so i prolly wont. and if i do, thats not my plan for what i would do if i were president. im trying to get good at lying.

father i thank you for this day, even though it was hard for a lot of people. be with enoch, hes got such a pure heart, sometimes i think he gets weighed down by it. hold him up, hes one of yours. i like jake edwards, please guide our paths to cross often. father please be with anna, shes having a hard time at the moment. from where does my hope come from...my hope is in the lord, my love
sean